To feel awkward when my parents tell my children they love them

[Thischr6]

When I was growing up my parents never said love you, or told me they loved me.

They also never hugged me either. We hug once a year at Christmas and it feels so incredibly awkward, we have an otherwise really good relationship.

I have 2 kids and my parents especially my mum will always say love you to the children when they are saying goodbye and always showering with affection (OTT in my opinion). Although this is nice for the kids I find it so awkward as they never acted this way towards me when I was younger.

AIBU?

I’m the total opposite as my parents when it comes to my own children by the way. Ever since they were born I always tell them I love them (without feeling awkward) and always give them lots of hugs/affection.

YANBU, I can see why that may be upsetting.

I think you need to ask them. Say it’s lovely they love your kids but why did they never say it to you?

Also, were they neglectful parents or was everything else fine?

I don't remember my parents telling me they loved me or my brothers.
But I know they did.

They are of the generation where it just wasn't said. My friends parents of a similar age are the same.

They tell my nieces and nephews, their grandchildren all the time how much they love them, and they say it back.

They've moved with the times and it's a good thing!

We've before a much more openly emotional society in the last few decades. I don't recall anyone saying I love you to anyone other than their romantic partners when I was a child.

You should probably just be glad that your parents have learned to open up a bit. And if they didn't grow up with it, hugging an adult is a more self conscious gesture than hugging a child.

I get why it might seem weird to you. But I'd be glad that your children know that their grandparents love them.

My parents are the exact same and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I hate being hugged or touched by anyone other than my partner.

I had this - seeing my mum telling my nieces she loved them, etc and hugging them, which hadn't been a thing she'd done with me.

Nine months before she died, when she knew she was dying, she said to me one day, "I can't die without telling you I love you." I told her I loved her too, hugged her and did so every time I saw her until she passed away.

If you can, OP, take the bull by the horns and tell your mum you love her.

Culture has changed. We didn’t grow up with ‘i love you’s at the end of conversations, or hugs past a certain age, but I’ll be telling my children that I love them all the time and hugging into adulthood (if it’s tolerated!), and I wouldn’t be surprised if my formerly more formal parents also do. In your family maybe your parents are partly responding to the more open and loving parenting style that you’re modelling with their grandkids. If you have a good relationship then why be awkward or resentful about the generational shift towards something warmer?

I understand why you find this upsetting. But in the past most people did not talk about their emotions. They showed their children they loved them through taking good care of them, rather than hugging or telling them they loved them.
Your parents have changed with the times which is good and can now tell your children they love them.
They are simply a product of their time. You may find when you are a grandparent that your children feel the same about something that becomes common place in the future.

Thanks for the replies.

Just a note, I am of course happy for my children to know they are loved and told they are loved by their grandparents.

The issue is how it makes me feel, I wouldn’t say I was neglected as a child but there was a definite lack of attention/affection. I know it’s not a massive issue! Just needed some opinions on it.

It does seem odd but maybe they’ve had time to reflect and realise they wished they’d done things differently in the past but obviously can’t turn back time but can change going forwards?

I know, now my children are older, I look back at things I did or things that happened, how I reacted etc when they were little and wish it was different. Of course I can’t change them now but can change what I do with any grandchildren I’m lucky to have in the future.

YANBU to feel however you feel.

But you have to realise that people learn from their mistakes. Our parents didn't have Mumsnet or anywhere near the leave of advice/books/research into child development that we have now. I'm sure they did their best. Maybe your Mum has seen how you are with your kids and has leant a lesson. I think it would be wrong to see this change in your parents as some sort of personal slight or negative situation.

You're talking about "the past" and "a product of their time" as if it were the Victorian era!

If OP has young DC now chances are she's in her late twenties to forties - therefore she would presumably have been a child herself in the 80s-early 00s - in my experience most people definitely hugged their children and told them they loved them then - if anything people blame millennials as a generation for growing up too mollycoddled and overpraised!

I don't disagree with your point that perhaps OPs parents showed her they loved her by actions rather than words, but think that was a 'them' thing (and comparatively unusual) rather than them being typical of the period.

If you find it an issue OP why not broach it with them? It doesn't have to be an accusatory 'Why didn't you hug me as a child?" more a general conversation "I've been chatting to friends about how parenting has changed" or "do you find it different being a grandparent to a parent?" etc. You might find they might want to be more affectionate with you but are worried you won't like it!

I am not talking about Victorian times at all. Maybe it is also partially class based? But in the eighties many/most working class parents were not hugging older children and telling them they loved them. It was in the nineties it began to change. But even then some parents take longer to change their ways and are more traditional.

Maybe they have learnt from you, and watching you with your children, how to demonstrate and declare love more easily?

So my parents sometimes hit me. They would never have dreamed of hitting my children. They changed.

Interesting - don’t remember parents saying it but it was always showed. GPS definitely said it to us. The one who excelled was our great aunt who was basically a surrogate GM as our GM on that side had died when both of us were small. Great aunt used to take our faces in her hands and say ‘she’s loved, is our Maray’… ‘he’s loved, is our Maray’s DB’. Wonderful - we both loved it. That was in the 70s/80s.

Are they still young and squishy? You might find they change when your children turn into little people. I remember my Nan going from cuddly to occasionally telling me off to “isn’t she miserable” as I grew up.

what peer reviewed extensive sociological study are you basing this off?

Or is it just...your own limited experience?

Because if YOUR limited experience is that people in the 80s-90s didn't show their kids affection and mine is that they did, then its all just anecdata. You can't say with confidence "It was" "this happened" just because it happened TO YOU.

Same with hitting children. It could be normal in your family but that doesn't mean it was normalised generally by the 90s.

Agree with previous Ps, they are following your lead with how you interact with your kids

I don't believe there was a generation that didn't say I love you. My Mum and Dad (and friends parents) used to say it all the time. I'm in my 60s.

I'm in my 50s and my parents regularly told my brother & I they loved us. When we lived at home we were hugged every night at bedtime & always got told I love you, by both parents. So yes some parents did do it 'in the past'

Even now we hug when we're leaving & my Mum tells me she loves me pretty much every day on the phone

My nieces have always grown up with lots of hugs etc.

Exact same situation as you growing up. I have always told my son I love him frequently. He also says it to me & DH all the time. This has spread via my son to the grandparents on both sides. We all now say it across the board. Felt a bit awkward saying it to my mom & dad at first (do it on the phone, it’s easier). I’m sure they would like to say it but probably feel awkward too. Try it a few times, I’m sure it will open a tsunami of I love yous!

Were your parents middle class? Because I think there is a large class element to parenting styles.

@Thischr6, my DH says exactly this about his parents. DH can never remember being hugged or kissed by either of them throughout his childhood. They never went to watch him on sports day at school either and he won most of the races. Yet they shower love onto their DGC and also my DC who are not even genetically related to them.

My parents never ever told me they loved me. I know they did though. It was just how it was for a lot of their generation.

No. Completely working class. My Mum was a cleaner.