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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when it might get better as a single or lone parent? Another bleak bank holiday

37 replies

Galone · 27/05/2024 13:49

I have ds 20 months. He sees his dad when it suits his dad. This means once for a few hours every couple of weeks. I’m so exhausted as I also work full time. This weekend I was supposed to go for a spa day and ex let me down on Friday morning and hasn’t seen dc at all this weekend. I’ve literally not stopped. I feel so low and everyone is busy with their families so even when we went to the park yesterday we were third wheeling my friend’s family.

I am so tired. I look awful because of it. I resent my ex so feel anger a lot which I know isn’t good. When will this get better? Or is this it now?

OP posts:
wizarddry · 27/05/2024 13:50

Sort out a formal contact arrangement. None of this as and when he wants. If he doesn't come to collect on his day then that's it.

ByCupidStunt · 27/05/2024 13:53

wizarddry · 27/05/2024 13:50

Sort out a formal contact arrangement. None of this as and when he wants. If he doesn't come to collect on his day then that's it.

Yes do this. Let him take you to court for a formal order.

Beezknees · 27/05/2024 13:53

Gets easier as they get older, it did for me anyway.

Mine is 16 now and does his own thing most of the time although he is coming with me to a cafe today!

Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 13:54

ByCupidStunt · 27/05/2024 13:53

Yes do this. Let him take you to court for a formal order.

Show quote history

@ByCupidStunt @wizarddry

that doesn’t mean he would turn up though does it? He could just as easily not pick her up when scheduled to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 13:55

Beezknees · 27/05/2024 13:53

Gets easier as they get older, it did for me anyway.

Mine is 16 now and does his own thing most of the time although he is coming with me to a cafe today!

@Beezknees thank you x

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 27/05/2024 14:07

I think while they are tiny and you have an unco-operative ex, you need to reframe your days off to include your little one in the fun.

Days in the garden, or on a beach if there is one close by. Bucket & spadeing or eating ice creams. Invest in a couple of sun loungers for the garden and a sandpit. Grab five minutes in between when LO wants to play. Invite friends around.

Rather than a spa day, organise a home mani/pedicure.

You can't really leave them on their own until 12 or 13. I paired up with another single mum, and swapped/shared care for getting my hair cut etc.

My ex does about 10 nights a year (and thinks he's dad of the year !) My ds is 15 now and good company.

PopcornPop · 27/05/2024 14:12

It hasn't for me and mine are much older but they don't see their father at all. His choice. I don't feel any less resentful now they are older.

Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 14:14

@Meadowfinch thanks. I guess I’m not desperate to leave them alone but more would love to know they could spend time with a friend at a house alone or they go to a class etc and I can leave them or sit in peace and watch

OP posts:
Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 14:15

@PopcornPop this is my exact worry x

OP posts:
Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 14:15

@PopcornPop how old?

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 27/05/2024 14:18

My ex was unreliable when ds was little. He slowly improved though he's still hugely selfish. I totally get that feeling of seeing families everywhere and having your plans screwed up. I had no family support.

But I have a great relationship with my son. We've had a lovely bank holiday weekend just pottering about, watching movies and stuff.

It does get easier. It's not the life you imagined and it's ok to feel grief over that and take time to come to terms with it.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Life changes. It never stays the same..

Meadowfinch · 27/05/2024 14:20

My ds started karate at 5yo. Most of the parents sit in the viewing lounge and watch, drink coffee, chat, or read. It was a bargain at £7.50 for an hour's class. A babysitter costs more than that. 🙂

Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 14:21

ConfusedNoMore · 27/05/2024 14:18

My ex was unreliable when ds was little. He slowly improved though he's still hugely selfish. I totally get that feeling of seeing families everywhere and having your plans screwed up. I had no family support.

But I have a great relationship with my son. We've had a lovely bank holiday weekend just pottering about, watching movies and stuff.

It does get easier. It's not the life you imagined and it's ok to feel grief over that and take time to come to terms with it.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Life changes. It never stays the same..

@ConfusedNoMore what changed to make your ex better? It’s nice to hear you have a great relationship with your son x

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 14:25

Galone · 27/05/2024 14:21

@ConfusedNoMore what changed to make your ex better? It’s nice to hear you have a great relationship with your son x

Show quote history

Sorry to butt in but in general they may get better as the child gets older because there's less personal care involved, basically less effort needed.

I wouldn't let him pick and choose, get it sorted officially and make sure you claim CM from him and perhaps book him into nursery one day a week find a decent babysitter for one night a week if possible.

Wordsmithery · 27/05/2024 16:23

It is hard, and will continue to he hard if you have an uncooperative ex. That doesn't mean you're not entitled to your own time, though. Just don't factor him in as the childcare option. Get a friend or family to babysit when you have your next spa day. You won't spend the days leading up to the event worrying if they'll let you down, and you'll feel empowered as a result. And time away will give you more energy to deal with your kid/s.

PopcornPop · 27/05/2024 16:25

Galone · 27/05/2024 14:15

@PopcornPop how old?

They are 13 12 10 and 7 I've accepted this is my lot till they are adults and I will be exhausted and miserable until they are adults.

Original poster
Galone · 27/05/2024 16:58

Thanks. I just feel so unwell today. I’ve literally not stopped all weekend and I’ve got an awful week ahead with work, last week was full on too. I’m so tired of doing literally everything.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 27/05/2024 17:01

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 14:25

Sorry to butt in but in general they may get better as the child gets older because there's less personal care involved, basically less effort needed.

I wouldn't let him pick and choose, get it sorted officially and make sure you claim CM from him and perhaps book him into nursery one day a week find a decent babysitter for one night a week if possible.

Show quote history

Id agree he finds it easier now he's older. More stuff they can do together. He's still flakey but not as bad as he was once.

ConfusedNoMore · 27/05/2024 17:04

Getting a court order doesn't really mean they turn up. It just means they are entitled to see their child on the times you've agreed.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/05/2024 17:06

Getting a court order etc really isn't the answer if the problem is that the ex can't be arsed. It doesn't compel the nrp to turn up, simply ties the RP to making the child available. OP reliable babysitters or reciprocal arrangements, joint outings with other families ..I had a couple of brilliant holidays with old uni friends and their kids. I was the only SP but they were my friends from pre- kid days so it was all if us just mucking in together and was fab. Mine are teens now and I can go for afternoon cinema trips or shopping or lunch etc. overnights or breaks away are few but yes it does get easier.

Beezknees · 27/05/2024 17:41

My ex didn't bother with our child. I wouldn't have tried to get a court order. It's easy to say do that, but I didn't want to send my child off with someone who didn't care about them enough to turn up to see them. You cannot force an uninterested parent to be involved.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/05/2024 18:08

Who the hell is voting you're unreasonable?
.

Didimum · 27/05/2024 18:13

I also agree (and have seen second hand) that shit dads do tend to get more involved when DC are older, probably 4+, as they are more engaging, talk more (can guilt trip), and less work. Still shit but better for you x

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 18:16

The point of the court order isn't that we see it as a magic button to make them step up and actually have the children but if over a certain time you have proof he isn't seeing the child nor having them overnight you can increase the CM claim.

It's also paper work to prove to your child when or if their sad sack excuse of a father turns up in the teenage years telling lies about you not giving access etc.

Starlightstarbright3 · 27/05/2024 18:28

my ds’s dad dropped out at 3 .

Things that helped - stop trying to make a good relationship with dad . Encouraging contact … it reduced my emotional energy . I don’t think Ds was bothered .

find local activities that Ds can join in with . Gingerbread often did meet ups .

I also ( older ) signed him up for beavers - that is the first time I really got any space .

if your exhausted give yourself half an hour jump in bed after Ds.

You won’t make him the dad your Ds deserves so it’s not something you can change sadly