To ask when it might get better as a single or lone parent? Another bleak bank holiday

[Galone]

I have ds 20 months. He sees his dad when it suits his dad. This means once for a few hours every couple of weeks. I’m so exhausted as I also work full time. This weekend I was supposed to go for a spa day and ex let me down on Friday morning and hasn’t seen dc at all this weekend. I’ve literally not stopped. I feel so low and everyone is busy with their families so even when we went to the park yesterday we were third wheeling my friend’s family.

I am so tired. I look awful because of it. I resent my ex so feel anger a lot which I know isn’t good. When will this get better? Or is this it now?

@Starlightstarbright3 , my ex dropped out of dd1,s life when she was 5 , he had been completely unreliable with contact before that . I found paying for two afternoons a week in nursery helped when she was 2 .

@Galone I really feel for you. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Those first few years are very tough going but it does improve. My son is slightly different as he can't speak or do a lot of 4 year old things but he's a delight most of the time.

I break the day up now. We do morning things, come home, lunch, maybe pop to the shops, garden play, dinner, bath and then bed. It breaks those days up. I also try and time things with when I need to get stuff done. i.e. hang the washing out and garden play then straight out into the car. I need to be rigid in my planning due to his needs but I think it could still work for you.

Also Iook at your diary tomorrow to see when you can call a sickie... Then do it!

@Toomanysquishmallows thanks. Unfortunately I work full time and too scared to take annual leave as I would lose pay when they’re ill otherwise. But that’s a good idea to have two afternoons if it ever becomes possible

You can take him to court but as my solicitor wisely said… you can take a horse to the water but you cannot force it to drink.

Same with residence orders, they are there to ensure access to the children is provided but you cannot force a parent to show up for contact if they do not want to.

What worked for me:

-Stop relying on him helping. A lot of your energy is wasted getting annoyed for what he should be doing but doesn’t. I realised soon enough that I was more tired of nagging him and being frustrated at him than parenting DS. Pretending to myself that exh was dead made things surprisingly easier, his irresponsibilities were really sucking the will to live from me, not DC.

-Find your tribe. There are a lot of us in the same situation, you will soon start recognising other mums raising children on their own. They are your allies, the ones that understand where you are coming from, the ones you will be exchanging babysitting with, etc. They are always super busy and very tired but have become so good at multitasking that someway always manage to make the time for a cup of coffee when you need one.

-The way that I managed working full time and raising a toddler on my very own was very simple: accept you cannot do much when you are tired and your child is running around, you won’t manage to do much and you will get stressed many times over. Instead, concentrate on building a good and sacred sleeping routine. The time they are asleep is your “me” time.

-This may sound crazy but the time I have been at my best and holding all my shit together properly was the time when I just went to bed at the same time as my child. I didn’t do any cleaning, watch telly or anything, just dinner, bath and straight to bed on workdays. So I was sleeping like a baby at 8 and therefore wide awake perfectly relaxed at 4am, with 2-3 full hours of my very own that I used to do Pilates for half an hour, read for half an hour, cook the dinner or clean the house for half an hour, get ready without distractions and then wake DS up, able to focus my attention on him only. It made for a very relaxed start to the day.

-Batch cook, if you make double the amount you need and put half in the freezer after a few days you will have enough food frozen not to cook for days. No running around to the supermarket after work either, you just leave the food defrosting when you leave the morning and pop it in the microwave after work.

As others have said, it will get better. I remember dreaming of the times when my child was going to be old enough to stay on his own and I was going to be able to go out. Never did I suspect that I was going to be missing him so much when he stopped wanting doing things with me as a teenager.

Hang on there OP, it will get better 💐

Absolutely this. Having time for a coffee with another parent while waiting for them to finish a class or just being able to have half an hour to go to the supermarket alone.

I really feel for you. I remember those days so well - and, unlike you, I didn't even work!

It's exhausting looking after a child that age on your own all the time, while working as well, and you sound as if you desperately need a break. Do you have any family members who could look after DS, even if it's only for an hour or two? (I know this might not be possible - it wasn't in my case). Is there any scope at all for reducing your hours at work?

It's so unfair that his dad sees him so little and that everything falls to you. I'm not surprised you feel angry and resentful.

On a positive note, I'd say it definitely gets easier as they get older. I found the early years exhausting, then once my DS was at school it was a bit easier, and now he's 15 it's easier still and he's good company.

And lastly - well done for doing such a great job. You're exhausted, yet still took DS to the park. Your DS's dad might be a deadbeat, but he has a great mum!

You really don’t need to show a contact agreement issued by court to get child maintenance increased as very very few children have a residence order. A carefully kept record of contact provided by the mother might suffice.

I found it easier when I just stopped asking her dad to have her and to just rely on myself, it took the anger out of the situation once u just got my head around the fact that I was flying solo. It was tough but at 3/4 something clicked in my head and I was super happy and content. We had an amazing relationship and still do (she’s now 20) Go to bed super early, I often used to, dinner bath and bed for both of use, maybe a little clean around but that was it, I managed better with more sleep.
it’s hard being a single parent and working full time but don’t put to much pressure on yourself. I promise it will get better, keep the faith and keep a positive mindset. Good luck.
ps DDs dad never did step up and she has nothing to do with him and sees him for the deadbeat he showed her he was.

I’d stop wasting mental energy chasing him. From experience of friends they don’t change and step up (unless another woman is involved).

Things get easier, there are activities, they amuse themselves more, they get friends and go on play dates. My teenager asks for food but some days I hardly see her, she’s playing online with school friends just now laughing her head off.

One thing I would see is if you can maybe find a babysitter, someone from the nursery maybe. And make sure dad is paying everything he should.

Agree with this.

Join drop off clubs as soon as possible. Granted most aren't until age 4 or so, but get your son used to being dropped off at activities asap and you buy yourself an hour alone.

Find other single mums, or those with shit husbands who are off golfing / cycling every weekend to have days out with or just meet at the park for a coffee & picnic . My husband wasn't shit but does have chronic illness and so many weekends wasn't able to have days out. I would always be happy to hang out with other mums & kids.

What's your job? Working FT means different things to different people. If you can find time in the day to do life admin, order a supermarket shop etc that is a good use of time.

I’m so tired of doing literally everything.

Yes. That's how it is.

Dump him and just do your thing how to get through this as a solo mum.

If he isn't there for you just fuck him off.

One less problem in your life.

It’s hard work at that age. They generally get much easier by 4.

Do you have any family nearby, or ex’s family who will help you out? If not, could you move nearer your family? Doing it completely alone and working full time is really hard.