Wwyd if your partner did this….

[whyey]

So a friend of mine has been living with her partner for about three years. She has three girls who have another dad. Her partner has got a temper and the other day threw his hot drink at the 12 year old. She was cross but hasn’t chucked him out or anything. I’m appalled. This he should be reported to social services.She’s not gonna leave him. Wwyd? Do you think she should kick him out? I do or AIBU?

So, to address this from two angles since you mentioned reporting:

Me personally as a mother: totally unacceptable, what an awful person! What else has he done?

Me under my professional hat... What were the circumstances? Was the drink thrown at the child or in the direction of? Does this man have a history of DV/DA? What is the history of the family? Do the children have a relationship with dad? Wider family? What is going on personally and what was the build up? What are the housing and finances of the family? Why does mum think it's acceptable for him to remain? How will mum safeguard the children from further harm? Do the children see dad? What is the school's view on the children's presentation?

Obviously it's not acceptable behaviour, but a SWs job isn't to tell people what to do, so if she isn't going to bin him off it's not as simple as the SW telling her to.

We will all have our own opinions on what we will tolerate. Like you, I wouldn't.

You say he has a temper, so it might be a sad fact that this is minor in her eyes, compared to what else she is tolerating.

She's a shit mother. Putting a man over her child. Why are some women so desperate for a man.

@Mummaganoush so yes it was thrown directly at the child. Don’t know about other DV but I know he can drive erratically when he’s cross (with the kids in the car) Kids dad died a while ago. My friend is so blinkered.

Confront her with what she's allowing to happen. Ask her what mother allows this ?

Tell her not to be surprised when her DC are adults if she doesn’t see them again.

I would report that incident to social services and I would tell her I am reporting it.

If you are worried, and I would be myself, I would share the information. If you aren't comfortable sharing directly with your local children's services, you can share with the child's school who can gently discuss and report. The best thing you can do is reinforce to your friend and her child that it's not acceptable and be a safe space for the child. What you've described has made my Spidey sense tingle, I'd be inclined to suggest your friend applies for a Claire's law disclosure. It can be tempting to be annoyed but if you can remain firm but there it prevents your friend being isolated which if this man is abusive, will be his aim

Her poor kids, coming second to an abusive arsehole because their mum values her relationship with him more than their wellbeing.

If he's confident and comfortable enough to do something like this in front her her, and have no consequences, god knows what else he will do.

I would report this to her school so the safeguarding lead can deal with it. She might be desperate to speak to someone about her home life.

Poor kids.

She's setting up her daughters for a lifetime of abuse. She's teaching them that this type of abusive behaviour is normal and acceptable..

I'd be reporting him to social services myself if the mother doesn't plan to.

If she will not leave or report him you should. Report to the school and to social services. You may lose the friendship but you may save the child. That’s more important.

Of course it’s not acceptable at all and you should report it to SS.

If he reacts that way in front of her what the hell is he capable of when she's not looking! She's pretty much saying his behaviour is acceptable both to him and her children.

You need to report this

Wwyd- I would report to safeguarding today.

AIBU- of course you're not.

Your "friend" is a sad excuse for a mother. Those poor children..

You should report this op, part of me would want to tell her I have done so but a bigger part wouldn't so I can keep an eye on anything else that's going on.

Definitely report the incident @whyey .

Why haven't you reported him??

Her poor kids, coming second to an abusive arsehole because their mum values her relationship with him more than their wellbeing.

This is what I was thinking, but I also wonder what sort of abuse, if any, the poor mother is dealing with. I’ve been the kid in this situation. It was over 30 years ago and I haven’t seen him since, but it’s had a long lasting effect on my life, my self worth, my MH, life choices etc.

@whyey your friend is failing her children. Please report to social services and if you can get a word with the kids, tell them to tell teachers etc.

Your friend needs a wake up call. This is apalling.

What has she said about the incident? Does she feel it’s a minor thing or is she also appalled? Do you think there’s a chance she might be too scared of his reaction to leave him?
I wouldn’t accept anyone putting my kids in harm’s way with dangerous driving and throwing things so he’d have to go, but I would also feel pretty scared of him at this point

How hot was the drink? Was the child scalded?

Obviously it was appalling behaviour whatever, but if the child was injured then reporting it is vital because he clearly knew the drink was hot enough to do harm (as opposed to lukewarm)

Call social services yourself. Google mash and your local county and then ring the number on there. Those kids need an adult to advocate for them and prioritise their safety and it’s not going to be her so it has to be you. You can ask to remain anonymous and even if they suspect it’s you then tough tits for them.

Jesus, if someone did this to my DOG they'd be out of my life!

Yes it needs reporting to school and ss. Nothing may happen but it may form part of a bigger picture