AIBU to think some people just aren't cut out for relationships?

[jumpingbean1810]

I've been seeing someone since last October. It's been a slow burn and I felt really positive about it. About six months in he told me he loved me and I thought I felt the same, however doubts started creeping in. His sarcasm which initially was funny I now find grating, his confidence which previously was attractive is now cringe inducing, the loud laugh etc. He's kind, non judgemental, respects my independence and is good for me in lots of ways but I've got the sinking feeling of inevitably that I get with all relationships, that he's not the one and I'll be single again soon.

I don't know if I just pick the wrong ones. I'm attracted to confident men but dislike the bravado, and when I've been out with quieter types I've also got frustrated. I'm in my 50s and spent more time single than in a relationship. I haven't had a relationship last longer than a year for 15 years.

I like the idea of a relationship as I do get lonely, but can't seem to find the right person or know how to maintain one. I think I probably have completely unrealistic expectations. I'm embarrassed to tell people, once again, it's a relationship fail.

Are some people better off single and is it just better to reconcile myself to that and if so, how? If not, any suggestions on how to do things differently to achieve a different outcome? Please be kind, thanks.

Well, I think you could start by putting down the notion of 'the one'. I don't think it's helpful to think that there is some, entirely suitable, complementary person out there who would entirely ameliorate any requirements to tolerate imperfections in another person.

I'm a really laid back and easy going person. I'm very happy with DH, but I also think that if we hadn't got together there are lots of other people I could have been happy with. You sound like the opposite! So yes, I think maybe relationships will be harder for you if you tend to get irritated by the other person. I think maybe you either need to be accepting of minor flaws, or you need to make peace with the fact that you're happier being single and that's absolutely fine.

I think there has to be some sort of compromise in all relationships, but if you really have to work at it or overlook many annoyances then it probably isn't going to work long-term (especially if this is happening only 8 months in).

I have noticed with my female friends that they get choosier as they get older. Doesn't seem to happen with the males! Maybe 'youth' makes things seem rosier or maybe when you are older you know yourself better and have things generally worked out how you like them so are less willing to change and/or compromise? Or maybe they recognise patterns from previous relationships and think "been here, done that, this isn't working".

Agree with Magnetcarhaue - Dan savage talks about looking for the 0.73 that you round up to one, and I like that concept! I was single for 10 years before I met my husband, it was great - I had tons of time to read, spend time with friends, I went travelling by myself (which was incredible - I recommend highly), journaled etc. and then I met my husband and he’s far from
perfect but something just felt right. I think try not to worry about it, try to enjoy yourself as much as you can, and don’t look for “the one”.

Have you heard the 'If I Didn't Have You' song by Tim Minchin @OmuraWhale?

@jumpingbean1810
I think I’m like you and I’m really not able to manage relationships. I usually end them, but not exclusively. Similar age as you too and not looking at all, I’d like a friend/companion but they always seem to come with complications such as other person thinks it will develop into a relationship

I struggle with relationships for similar reasons you describe. I'm just not willing to make compromises and put up with stuff that annoys me.

However I'm fine with this and happy being single. I think if you're not happy being single and do want a relationship you do have to make those compromises.

I get where you are coming from.
Now, I do personally believe it's good to have standards, and once you get the ick it's hard to come back from it, but it doesn't sound quite like that's what's happening here.

This might seem like a bit of a dangerous game to play, but I look at two things:

• their good qualities, and how that can translate into bad qualities.
• my good qualities, and how that can translate into bad qualities.

So for example, I find myself most compatible with someone who has a silly streak - I like to laugh, and sometimes that's at really goofy stuff. That silly streak is great, except that can sometimes manifest in that person making goofy jokes in public that might be embarrassing. But, 95% of the time I love the goofy. So I can handle the 5% as long as the goofy jokes aren't at funerals or work events, and the other person knows when to stop.

This also helps with being objective about what you won't put up with.
I drink alcohol, and I like dating people who want to share a bottle of wine, or go out and have some drinks and get drunk on occasion. The payoff for this might be that once in a blue moon they overdo it and are hungover and not up to anything the next day. Fine. But I wouldn't consider it balanced if that was happening every month, and that's not something I'd want to put up with.

Or to look at it from the other side: I like people who are laid back, because I am. Say we get held up by a crash on the motorway and miss our flight and have to spend money on new flights. I will be disappointed, but I won't be angry or in a heightened emotional state, because it's noone's fault, and there's nothing you can do to resolve the issue other than what you are already doing. I also struggle with outward displays of anger in others and find it distressing. I would much prefer to go ' ah, this sucks, shall we get a coffee and a book and try and find some plug sockets to wait for the next 4 hours'
This can be VERY irritating to people, because sometimes people want and need to get annoyed for a few minutes when a big inconvenience happens, and they might interprete my calmness and focus on resolution as me disregarding their feelings.
So this could really bother someone. On the other hand, I'm great in a crisis and don't make a big deal over small things either, so someone might accept the tradeoff.
So to look at that from the other direction:
I like laid back people because I am the same. However someone being laid back about things can also manifest in someone never making any plans and winging it constantly, and sometimes getting it wrong and missing out/spending money when there was no need to if they had a plan. For some people, they could handle this tradeoff. For me, I find it really irritating. So I've learnt over time that it's not a tradeoff I can make long term.

I don't know how much sense this makes to be honest, but its really helped me in recent years with relationships to look at things this way, helps me be a bit more objective!

Nail. Head 🙂

If you want to have a committed relationship, then you will need to compromise on lots of things.

I can't be arsed. So, I'm single.

Takes all sorts to make a world 😊

I'm not very good in relationships. I always want one, get into one and then do something to mess it up.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have started therapy so that if I do get into another relationship I don't repeat the past.

But yes...I definitely think not everyone is great in relationships.

I don't do relationships. I am an fiercely independent, confident capable person EXCEPT when I'm in a relationship. Then I become a pathetic, needy, wreck of a person. I have been happily single for about 12 years now.

The more time goes on , the more I think I'm not cut out for relationships. I wish there had been more emphasis on learning to be happy as a single adult, than finding someone to settle down with while I was growing up .

I think the bar is in hell when it comes to men.
The VAST majority have nothing to offer a woman and just want to drain her of her energy.
If I can find a man who is going to improve my life then I’ll consider it.

Sounds like you just haven’t met someone you like enough to look past little, annoying things.

My DP is messy and chaotic, I’m methodical and organised. But I bloody love him. I can put up with a bit of mess/broken phone/him wearing the same socks for days cos I get to share my life with the most fantastic, kind, joyful, talkative man.

That said standards are very important. My ex was manipulative and cold - that I can’t put up with!

My friend is not cut out for a relationship now. She is incredibly jealous and can't seem to get past it, so just puts her insecurities onto everyone she is in a relationship with- she needs to get herself sorted first.

She is also quite selfish and thinks her time is more important than anyone else's - she does this with friends as well, cancelling plans at last minute, swapping around plans etc - can be very annoying.

But she just wants love, which is not a lot to ask for, but she won't accept she needs a little help first.

No @Mothership4two - I'll go and find it!

I think I am the same. My last relationship was with a narcissist and I rapidly became needy, insecure and completely lost myself trying to make the relationship work. Which it was never going to do. I will try once more but if I end up feeling the same then I'm going to stay single.

Thanks for your replies. I don't believe in there only bring one person, but agree it's finding someone you like enough that you're willing to compromise. As I get older and realise I live a pretty good life, with good relationship with friends and family, so the willingness to compromise probably has reduced.

@Foxblue , thanks for sharing how you view things, it's a really interesting perspective. I agree someone's positive qualities in extremes become negative. Eg. I am generally thought of as being v rational, the negative of this is that I'm perceived as aloof or unemotional. I will try to reframe what we have in this light.

It's hard to know from the outside what happens when you first meet someone, OP, but I think that's where the answer may lie.
You say that in the beginning, you like certain qualities, but then you come to see them differently. I'm wondering if you might be trying very hard to like them, to put up with things that you really don't want just for the sake of making a relationship work, and then the reality sets in.
If that's the case, maybe the next time around you can be a bit more reticent about getting involved until you are more sure of whether it's a match.

Lots of average people in easy circumstances, will pair up with other average people in easy circumstances. It’s easy cos they’re average. Or else their circumstances are privileged or simple and straightforward, 😆. At either end of the bell curve it’s different - I think. There are a few exceptions of course.

To be honest, DP is literally the only person I’ve ever met in my life who I can spend unlimited time with without them starting to grate on me.

Isn't it just a simple question of whether the person bring overall benefit to your life that outweighs the negative?

Many people who are married with children aren't very happy in the relationship but the huge benefits at that point (second pair of hands to help with child raising, second income, second parent for the child, social structure that comes with being a couple benefits whole family) will outweigh any negatives in most cases. Hence 'staying together for the children until they are 18 etc).

When you are older and single, it's a much more stark question as to whether the person is a + or a minus for you. Fact is a lot of men are frankly [insert expletive] who are selfish and can take it or leave it because if they are just looking for amusing company and sex, it's easy to find on a dating app. Longer term satisfying companionship is harder to find. Much harder because there is little 'glue' in terms of that which holds relationships together when you are younger (first love/intense first time lust/wanting engagement/marriage/babies and holding out to 'see if he/she's the one'). When you are older some of that won't apply and some of it (lust etc) is typically much less intense and less exciting.

Also , people are on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship. Their true colours show through later.

I think most of us like connection, affection and the feeling of security that comes from being loved.

But at this age you've very much your own person and (entirely understandably) don't want to compromise on much.

Maybe the way ahead is to have a boyfriend for dates, fun, high days and holidays but keep your own space. Don't live together.

@Mairzydotes I think there's definitely a case of rose tinted glasses at outset and once I feel more secure in relationship, I start to view things more critically and question whether it's what I really want.

I think perhaps there are those people who are willing to accept annoyances as they'd rather be with someone than alone, and there are those who would rather be single than make compromises in order to maintain a relationship. Neither is right or wrong, it's just down to personality and what works for you.