To expect my husband to support me

[Nexusq]

Long story short: my family (parents) have had a falling out with a relative.

My husband and his family know this relative through me and due to the ongoing dispute i asked my in laws to not attend an event this relative was co-organising.

However, this relative has now apologised for their behaviour and is intent on rebuilding bridges.

They have invited me & my husband to lunch. I want to attend but my husband is refusing to go with me on the basis I previously asked him & my in laws to avoid all contact.

I seriously don’t see what the issue is as we are trying to repair a relationship. However, my husband has accused me of playing childish games and involving his parents.

I tried to bring this up again tonight and accused’s me of treating him like a dog, expecting him to jump through hoops.

Am I being unreasonable?

You are being v u
'Don't talk to them or see them cos I say!'
'You can see them now because I say' your dh is right and you and your parents are very childish!

Who expects their husbands parents to miss and event because a relative that their parents have fallen out with might be there?

Will your families children's children still be expected to hold a grudge?

I understand why your DH is fed up.

If he and his family know this person independently then you cannot be expecting to control when they can and cannot see them, that's madness.

Why would your DH want to go to dinner and have a relationship with them when next Tuesday your mothers aunt might fall out with them and then he can't speak to them again?

I think that you should go on your own and see what happens. I’m guessing that there’s some more info that we need to know like if you’ve fallen out before and whether or not this relative has a history of drama that your h is bored of.

Your h isn’t unreasonable to want to not be a pawn and be told who he can and cannot see and what events he can and cannot attend.

He is taking back some control and staying out of the disagreement which is supportive. It’s better than attending until you change your mind again or there is another fall out.

Your h isn’t unreasonable to be annoyed or embarrassed that you dragged your PIL into the drama. You shouldn’t have asked them to not attend because it’s the equivalent of a child saying “I don’t like X so you can’t talk to her” It’s ok to mention the fallout but you should have let PIL do whatever they decided with the info.

Very poor behaviour on your part.

You’re playing childish games and you’ve been busted for spite.

Why involve your in laws? So bizarre

You are living a real life not a soap, you know very well you are being totally unreasonable

I don’t understand why you involved your husband or in-laws in the first place. There was no need to extend the feud to them.

since you did, you don’t get to capriciously change the rules. If it was so important that they stop contact, then you should not be having contact either.

So you make them stop having contact, now you want them to have contact?

I expect your DH is mightily embarrassed that he listened to you in the first place.

He's not a puppet!

I’m pretty sure you posted about this the other day and the response is the same, you are being very unreasonable.

I'm with your dh. You got him to get his parents to not attend an event and basically cut off the relationship and then you turn around and expect them to jump to your new rules. Completely unacceptable of you.

YABU to involve your DH and his family in a quarrel on your side of the family which has nothing to do with them. You have some growing up to do.

i asked my in laws to not attend an event this relative was co-organising.

How childish. Hopefully they ignored you!!

Involving your husband’s parents by asking them not to go to the event was an extraordinary thing to do. Slightly less so asking your husband not to go (though I still think that was poor form). I totally sympathise with why your DH does not want to support these childish machinations. He anticipates that another fall out is around the corner and you will be asking him and his parents to cut contact again.

I would never ever tell my in-laws not to speak to anyone. They are adults and can speak to whoever they like. This has happened with a falling out with my family and I just smile and nod when they mention my relatives as it has nothing to do with me anymore.

You’ve just put them in a very embarrassing and awkward position.

YABVU.

You shouldn't have asked your in-laws to get involved by not going to the event due to your parents dispute; it was nothing to do with them.

You can't expect people to not engage with others, then engage with them on your say-so, it sounds like primary school (and it was childish then too, although more reasonable as they are children and presumably you are not!).

Do you have children ? If they expect friends to shun people on their behalf when they fall out, they are quickly going to find themselves friendless.

The attitude that your ILs only know your relative because of you is also crappy. People can meet because of you but end up friends in their own right and don’t owe you because you’re the person who introduced them.

I read the update saying that you posted before and got the same answers cements your h’s assertion that you are being childish. Why can’t you see that maybe you are? Your h and his parents are being mature by staying out of interactions with this relative because they don’t want childish drama. Your h is being supportive by telling you that you behaved immaturely and he’s not happy that you dragged his parents into your silliness. It should make you stop and think- not double down like a child.

Since an apology has been enough to smooth things over, presumably the fallout was pretty silly.

Siding with your husband here. Unless the falling out was due to something absolutely horrific on your relative’s part, you should have just kept entirely out of it and left the other adults to make decisions for themselves. You have been very childish and unfortunately these are the consequences. I would give a heartfelt apology to your husband and in laws and just hope they can move on.

Yes, very unreasonable.

You had no right to tell them you didn't want them attending in the first place, over a row that had nothing to do with them.

Mind you, more fool them for agreeing to it.

You aren't being even the tiniest bit reasonable.

I can't believe you asked your in laws not to go to an event. You brought them into a drama that didn't involve them and that's a really unfair thing to do. You put them in a bad situation.

Why do you think you get to dictate what your in-laws do and who they spend time with?

The fall out was between your parents and that relative. No one else needs to get involved and I say that as someone who is talking to two relatives who haven't spoken in a decade.

Asking your in-laws not to attend an event was childish. This smacks of playground style behaviour and it needs to stop.

I seriously don’t see what the issue is as we are trying to repair a relationship. However, my husband has accused me of playing childish games and involving his parents.

He's right. It's not up to you telling people when they can and can't talk to other people, or who can and can't attend events. Stop being controlling.

If this is the same poster who stopped her husband from visiting family when going home, and now wants him to see cousins, then yes, the exact same advice was given then - stop being childish and telling people who they are allowed to talk to.