Not wanting my Dad to hold the baby?

[KellyJellyfish]

My DS is 5 months old, my parents (Mum especially) have been amazing support for me, and we go and stay with them once a week for a bit of company and a break.

I love my Dad, and he clearly adores DS. But last year he had a stroke, irritatingly the hospital really cocked up and sent him home, so he never received treatment, in fact we only found out he suffered a stroke quite recently during a scan for something else. The damage is to the part of the brain that controls coordination and movement. You wouldn’t know anything was wrong if you met him, but Mum’s noticed stuff (and not told me, presumably so I wouldn’t worry).

I asked about it and he just said he’s clumsy, Mum said he stumbles a bit sometimes. But recently something happened that made me realise the reality is much worse than what they both say.

He was carrying the baby in the car seat into my house, I have a large step outside the door (2 paving slabs wide and about 7 inches tall), I was about a minute behind him as I was getting the pram out the boot. I was walking up to the gate when I suddenly heard a huge slamming sound followed by the baby crying hysterically. I dumped the pram on the ground, opened the gate and saw Dad on the floor in the doorway and the car seat next to him (right way up luckily). I asked what happened and he said he tripped on the step (I figured he either slipped or didn’t lift his leg high enough or something).

He tried to stand up but I told him to stay there while I got the baby inside (car seat was blocking the door, so highly likely he’d instantly trip over it again), went back out and had to pick him off the floor as he couldn’t stand himself.

He’s cut his hand, had a nasty graze on his shin and bruised his side, DS was fine luckily.

Now here’s where I’m getting concerned about the future…

After he left I reviewed the Ring cameras footage, outside doorbell didn’t capture much except sound, but we have a second camera in the hall (keeps an eye on the pets when we’re out) and that got a good view of what happened from the inside.

It looked like he walked up to the door at a brisk pace, and didn’t even attempt to lift his leg for the step, as if it wasn’t there entirely. Bearing in mind he walks over this step every week, and it’s massive, 2 paving slabs wide, so impossible to miss. It was like he was actually blind.

It gets worse, as he fell he made no effort with his hands. He neither put out a hand to protect himself, or use the other to keep hold of the car seat (it actually landed on its side, he just corrected it after he’d fallen before I got there), and he seemed to just lay there in shock until I arrived and helped him.

Not only did his brain fail to tell him about the step, it also failed to engage his reflexes as he fell.

So now I’m incredibly worried, if he’d been holding the baby (no car seat) the likelihood of a fatal accident or brain damage for the baby was very high, and the reason he bruised his side is because he partially landed on the car seat handle and that stopped his fall from being any worse, without the seat he likely would have hit his own head on the concrete which could very well have caused him brain damage or worse given his previous stroke.

So now I’m in a dilemma. I’ve kitted out my house as much as I can with extra safety features (hazard tape on all steps, extra hand rail, extra light etc). I’ve also stopped Dad from carrying the car seat, but really I’m nervous about him holding the baby at all (except when sitting).

I have no doubt he’d be very hurt, as it means he can no longer burp him, change or bathe him, soothe him (he’s comforted by movement) or show him things (Dad enjoys carrying him around the garden), and definitely not carrying him up or down the stairs which means on the days him and Mum have DS Dad is now pretty much unable to help out at all (beyond having him on the sofa) which is horrible for him and puts a lot of pressure on Mum.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just trying to protect them both.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable here. It was a nasty fall and could have been much worse.

It would be nice though if your DD could still do some of the bits you suggested with ‘back up’. Bathtime with DC but not solo and not getting them out the bath or walking them round in a towel to dry off.

You clearly love your dad and care a lot for him. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to ask him to only hold the baby on the sofa. Because the potential risk of injury is too high, for your baby or your Dad. And I’m sure he’d be distraught if he inadvertently injured his grandchild.

I know this isn’t what you have asked, but is seriously consider replacing the car seat if you haven’t already because it sounds like it took quite an impact .
I’d also be wary going forward of asking your Mum to be the sole carer for her tiny grandchild and your Dad. That’s a huge ask and has the potential to become very difficult quite quickly as babies become more mobile etc.

It sounds like you’re close to your family so hopefully you’ll find a way forward that works and is safe all round 💐

I'm really sorry you went through this.

In case you aren't aware, you need to get a new car seat, as they should be replaced after any sort of significant impact.

In terms of your dad YANBU, mainly. I think it would be okay for him to burp baby and soothe him, as long as someone is with him initially and he stays sat down. I would show your parents the ring footage to make it clear that this isn't out of spite.

You need to work out if your parents are in denial or if they're just minimising to avoid worrying you as you have a new baby. I say this because If they're minimising how bad it is to avoid worry, then I would stress the importance of honesty so you can support them. If they're in denial, I would seek other child care options, because they will carry on as normal out of your sight, until they get caught or worse, someone gets seriously hurt.

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this trauma

Just to add to this. It might be worth getting a bath seat and maybe a baby bath on a stand if space allows. Some seats are very reclined for younger babies and mean you don't have to hold them. Your dad could sit down to wash baby, and someone else could get him in and out of the bath.

Yes, baths will take longer, and someone would have to supervise but it doesn't have to be for every bath and it would be a practical way of letting your dad still be a part of things x

YANBU, but to comfort you: babies change quickly, it might only be 2 or 3 months before your DS is crawling and as time goes on he won't need to be carried everywhere. You're not taking being a grandfather away forever. My late DH was disabled and couldn't do any lifting but it was a tiny proportion of our child's life in hindsight. In the meantime some tips from our experience:
-nappies can be changed on the floor or a low table or even a mat on the sofa. You'll soon be weaning, you can get a bumbo seat for the floor so your father can feed DS. Your father can play with DS on the floor or a low table too.

• if someone else puts DS in the bath and takes him out, your father could do the bathing part

-your father could take DS out in his pram There's quite a lot of disabled parents out there who have encountered these issues before and found solutions, if you research along those lines you'll find lots of suggestions.

Baby comes first. Your dad can only hold the baby when he's sitting down and you're with him. End of.

Thank you, your response made me feel really hopeful. You’re right it’s just a short term issue as DS will grow quickly.

It’s odd but until now I’ve never thought of Dad as disabled, I’ve been looking at things very negatively like ‘Dad can’t do this anymore, Dads not safe with this, etc’ when I actually should be looking at it like ‘Dad can use the pram inside and in the garden’ Dad can sit next to the play mat’

Thank you

To everyone asking about the car seat, I’ve contacted the manufacturers for advise on whether or not it needs replacing, apparently fall damage is quite different from car accident damage so we might be ok, but of course I’ll replace it if they suggest so. Luckily it’s not my main car seat, just the spare I use with Mum (my main one is the sort that doesn’t come out the car)

Are you open to having a discussion with your parents about what happened? Are you not mentioning it to them at all that your camera picked up his fall? If not what is stopping you from doing so? You can say you're really worried about him and ask him to get checked.

If you do that maybe you can all agree that this coordination is off and it's best he doesn't hold the baby while standing. At the moment it sounds like a bit of a running joke in your family as opposed to being taken seriously at all. Can you at least speak to your mum about it if she is agreeing his coordination is off anyway?

Are you saying your father has not had any physical therapy or occupational therapy after this stroke?

there are degrees of holding the baby. Walking up stairs. Definitely a no. Walking around the garden, maybe yes, maybe no. Seated and you hand him the baby for story time. Almost certainly yes.

focus on what he can do safely. There are still plenty of opportunities for cuddles with grandpa. You just need to do some planning.

I agree sitting down, but not just with OP there, any other adult aware of the situation, I think is fine,

You’ve said on the days that they have your DS. If that means they’re providing child care could you be confident that none of the circumstances that you want to avoid wouldn’t happen while he’s there?

I wouldn’t let them provide childcare unless you can openly discuss what happened and know that your Dad won’t try to pick up your son.

You sound as though you have a lovely relationship with your Dad. Have you talked to him about your concerns?

Did your DF seek medical advice? I would be concerned in case it was a TIA I think they're called - sort of mini strokes?

Your dad needs to see a doctor, but importantly you need to replace your car seat if it was slammed into a paving slab and then had an adult fall on top of it. Who knows what invisible damage has been done to it. Please don't use the old car seat in the meantime.

Hopefully, the act of replacing the car seat might really prompt both your parents into realising how awful that accident was, and open up a conversation. Yes your dad's feelings might be hurt, but your baby could have been killed. A loving grandfather would accept this and find other ways to interact. Have you shown them the footage you collected? What has your dad said post-incident? Has he admitted what happened and expressed concern for your baby/going forwards?

This.

Calmly and frequently repeated.

YANBU at all.

Not at all unreasonable. I have MS which has caused, among other things, foot drop. I stumble and have an injury causing fall about 1 or 2 times a year. When friends ask if I want to hold the baby, I say let me sit down and ask them to stay close in case my arms get tired.
I love babies, and knowingly putting them at risk of being hurt is not a loving act to me.

Prioritising your baby’s safety over your dad’s feelings does not make you unreasonable!

Re-reading your dad’s fall, it sounds exactly like the way I usually hit the deck - my foot doesn’t lift properly, and I’ll go flying over something like the sill of a door. I’m pretty fit and I’ve worked hard to keep my balance and leg muscles strong, and it’s still unsafe to carry a little person for me.
He may not accept it, but you shouldn’t accept the risk to your baby either. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Edit, drop foot can be a symptom of stroke, maybe worth encouraging him to investigate (I’m no expert, but I think it can be treated with physio etc when it’s stroke caused).

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to need to limit how he holds the baby, and it’s a great post earlier that explores what he can do - he absolutely can have a great and active relationship with his grandchild.

But it does sound like you need to push your parents on being more realistic about your father’s needs, and get him back to the GP for proper advice and investigation. Has there been no follow up at all from the stroke? That’s appalling medical care. The footage from your doorbell could be the wake up call your parents need to take it more seriously. This is all part of the same conversation, because I expect he won’t initially take the conversation about not carrying the baby well.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

Your Dad should see his GP and ask for a referral to the local falls clinic if your area has one. Most areas do and they’re a holistic service which looks for the causes of falls eg blood pressure, inner ear issues and will review meditation but they all have OT and physio who will assess and provide appropriate exercises as part of a one stop appointment.

No he hasn’t, because the hospital never identified he’d had a stroke as he didn’t have the classic symptoms. They found the damage on an unrelated scan recently (over a year later), so no meds and no therapy.

It happened after he’d been involved in an accident and had a head injury, so he was treated for that, but discharged before the stroke happened.

personally I want my parents to hire a medical negligence lawyer, or at the very least write a complaint to the hospital, but they won’t because of the time that’s passed.

Do you have a sling? Could your dad maybe carry DS in the sling with someone close by in case he stumbles? Obviously on even ground!