To think I caused my son’s congenital heart defect in pregnancy

[Yellowsubmarine85]

Sorry for the negative post but really struggling at the moment. My 2 week old son had heart surgery nearly 2 years ago now, he’s doing great and so far so good with check ups.

Since we found out about his heart issues after he was born I’ve always blamed myself but it seems to be getting worse the older he’s getting and the more of his personality that’s emerging. He’s such a strong, happy boy and I feel wracked with guilt that I possibly caused the issue he was born with and that I have inadvertently caused him to have a life-long condition that might hold him back in life or cause him worry.
The reason I blame myself is that I didn’t I know I was pregnant at first so I had two very hot baths. Then I found out I was pregnant and ended up getting covid in the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, I had a temperature and had to keep it down with paracetemol. I just feel like both of these things could have caused my boys CHD. I could have avoided getting covid if I hadn’t agreed to see someone who I knew had a stinking cold. I just didn’t want to let them down, even though I knew I was pregnant 😭
Does anyone know if Covid or hot baths could have caused this?

I don’t know how to feel better about this. Am I just going to feel horrendous guilt forever? It’s giving me stomach issues from all the anxiety. I’ve tried counselling and anti-anxiety stuff it’s not really helping.

Sorry for such a negative message.
Thank you for reading

Oh please don’t think you caused it, you didn’t. One of my DC was born early and I felt guilty for so long in case something I’d done had caused it and it took time to accept that it was just something that happened as we all want to search for a reason and as mums we naturally blame ourselves.
Please keep going with the counselling as I can only imagine it’s early days. It took doctors telling me on several occasions that it was not my fault and repeating this to myself to accept this.

I’m very sorry about your sons health troubles.

Nothing you did caused this- please speak to his consultant about this and they will assure you.

I don’t know which way to vote but you haven’t caused his CHD.

No, you didn't cause his CHD. These things happen randomly. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your little boy! Two is a fun age :) Exhausting, but fun!

You didn't cause his heart defect. Nothing you describe could possibly have caused it.

This is depressive thinking, and that's not your fault either. You are under an enormous amount of stress, you feel powerless because your beloved baby is suffering from something you can't protect him from, and it's coming out as self-blame. Your mind is trying to make sense of it by attributing guilt.

Please, please have a chat to your GP, or if you can't get access to one, the medical team looking after your son. These feelings aren't unreasonable given the situation you're in, but there is support available for you, and people who can quickly reassure you that you did nothing to cause this.

Oh lovely- this isn’t you. You didn’t.

my son has a chd too. I must have said something to his consultant about it and he said that he was suprised given how complex the heart is that there are not more people born with CHD. It’s currently 1 in a 100 with some form of CHD and many just don’t know.

2 weeks in is VERY early days. You take it easy. Cuddle your son and try to get some rest. You’ve done a good job and he is lucky to have such a caring mum. and if in a couple of months this still bothers you go for counselling to put it to bed. There’s enough to feel shit about in life, but this isn’t one of them.

you take care x

Meant to add, there may be an element of ptsd going on as well. You've been through so much.

Sorry! I can’t read!! I see your son is now 2. In that case I would go back to counselling. This isn’t you.

Neither of those things would cause a CHD, it wasn't caused by those things.
The truth is that you may never know, it could be genetic or a random event, the only environmental factor I've been told that can increase CHD is uncontrolled diabetes in the first trimester.

I would highly reccomend seeing your GP for some counselling op, it is severely traumatic to go through this as a parent and we kind of get pushed to the back whilst in the throughs of trying to look after a poorly newborn.

Make some time for yourself now to heal from this, it's important.

OP, you didn't cause it. Sometimes random stuff goes wrong. But please do see someone about how you're feeling.

My son with a heart defect is nearly 4 now, and there was definitely some trauma for me around finding out and hospital stays and surgery. I also struggled to bond with him right at the beginning although fortunately that went pretty quickly. It's not surprising that it's affecting you, but you can get past this.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you.

There is zero chance you caused this.

You did not cause CHD

When I was pregnant with DS, I experienced gender disappointment and was anxious/did not feel connected to the pregnancy. He stopped moving at 31 weeks, I went to get checked and he was delivered within 2 hours of arrival at the maternity unit, he had to be resuscitated and was on a ventilator and subsequently spent 6 weeks in NICU. I 100% thought it was my fault for not wanting a boy. It took me 2 years to get therapy and was treated for PTSD. I know now that it was not my fault, that if I had not gone to get checked when his movements stopped, he would have died and that I love him more than anything else in the world but it took a lot of work to get to this point. Be kind to yourself and seek more therapy

DS2 is now 13 and has a CHD. For him, it wasn't diagnosed until he was born. No good will come from me blaming myself. He also has ASD and I don't blame myself for that either.

Thank you for all your replies. I just wish someone could tell me 100% the baths and Covid did not cause this. I torture myself thinking if only I hadn’t had those baths then I wouldn’t be feeling like this. And maybe my son wouldn’t have had a CHD. It’s torture 😔

Hot baths that you tolerated without getting second degree burns won't harm babies.COVID virus is unlikely to have caused heart issue. I am sure the research on this will be available in time to reassure you.

Unfortunately there are things that happen within us that are not within our control. Have you sought some support?

My son is ten was born with an issue had surgery at 19 days old. I have had some counselling as it is traumatic and you are so vulnerable after safely carrying a baby.

I would recommend talking to someone as it is really hard on our wellbeing having these worries.

I went through this guilt with my son, blamed myself. Held on to it until pregnant with my daughter and the feelings just became worse. I then finally asked for help and my gp set up CBT and it was so helpful. Health anxiety is a real thing that is very common in mums. You did nothing wrong, you are not to blame, you have done everything you can to get him the right support since baby has been born. If you hadn't had covid or any baths you would be looking for another reason because having a reason makes these things more logical. Be kind to yourself.

Are you aware that there isn't even a distinct part that is the baby until around week 3 of pregnancy (as opposed to placenta etc), and that the heart doesn't distinguish from the rest until week 5-6?

So anything prior to week 5 (such as your baths) categorically isn't going to have affected the heart, for a start, as there wasn't even a heart present or forming then.

Your covid won't have done anything either, or we would have seen a huge international spike in babies with heart problems born in 2021-22 and I don't believe any such thing has been reported.

Please don’t blame yourself, I am sure baths don’t cause CHD and, as a pp said, if Covid did, there would have been a massive spike 2/3 yrs ago.

My DD has Fallots tetralogy, for a long time I wondered if getting pregnant quickly after a miscarriage caused it, but my GP said I only need wait until after first period, so “who knows”.

She is about to turn 24, and after surgery as a baby and at 2, has lived a normal life, including doing plenty of exercise, being a footballer at one point and travelling extensively last year. The consultants sometimes can’t believe how far she can run 🤣🤣. Her CHD certainly hasn’t held her back.

She did have to have a new valve earlier this year, but it went well and she is well on way to full recovery (and desperate to run again!). She occasionally jokes “Why me” but am sure doesn’t blame me at all.

My older son who was born fit and healthy at 41 wks (DD came at 34) has a suspected kidney problem, did I cause that or is it also one of those things? Again, who knows. I didn’t drink in pregnancy and never smoked either, was very healthy and active at point of having my children.

There are no known links between hot baths or Covid and congenital heart defects. About one in every 100 babies in the U.K. is born with one- for most, the reasons are unknown. It's just 'one of those things'. You've had a hard time so be kind to yourself

My son has a heart condition too. You didn't cause it, but would it help you more to here it from a dr or a geneticist?

Erm no, I feel 100% that you did not cause this. Have you tried going on tablets? My son had fluid on his brain as a baby, he was also born weighing just under 6lbs and I cried during labour saying it was my fault because I was addicted to chocolate, I was high on gas and air too though. I also never even tried breastfeeding any of mine and I don't feel guilty and love them so much. Babies survive to drug addict mums, you only had 2 baths! The baby is protected in the sac.

Isn’t it NTDs that are the risk for hot baths or having a temperature? I don’t think those things are linked to CHDs.

@Yellowsubmarine85 , you sound very unwell. Please go back to your GP or other medical professionals and get more help. There is no amount of reassurance in the world that will satisfy you when you are feeling this way.

Take care and please get more help. And give your lovely little lad a big squashy hug.

Thank you for all the replies and support. I really appreciate every one of them.

I was diagnosed with ocd a few years ago after my mum sadly took her own life. I had had ocd for years but didn’t realise until my early 30s when a psychologist saw me about grief counselling. My ocd is not the obsessive cleaning type, it’s the superstition ‘magical thinking type’ eg if I don’t turn off those light switches something bad will happen. I think that’s possibly why my sons diagnosis affects my mental state so much. I ruminate over the thoughts of ‘if only I’d done that, such and such wouldn’t have happened’. Much like what happened to my mum too I suppose.

I feel generally that life has been so tough and I live each day in fear of ‘what next’. Im so grateful for the life I’ve created with my lovely husband and two children. We live in a nice home and I like my job. It’s just we’ve been rocked by such traumatic events sometimes I think what have I done wrong, why have I caused all these things. I was blamed by my dad for what happened to my mum and I struggle with that daily.

No you couldn't have caused this My grandson had a heart condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome and other complications of the heart on top. He was Stillborn. But nothing my daughter did or didn't do caused it. It's just an unfortunate thing and heart didn't form properly