Sick of being the bad guy

[NonBinaryBlanket]

I’m fuming. DH has form for being a bit Disney Dad when it comes to DS, leaving me to be the disciplinarian. Consequently, DS doesn’t like me very much, if at all, but loves his dad.

DH has given up his weekend to help DS with one of his hobbies. DS’s room is an absolute shit tip and I told DH not to start the hobby until DS had cleaned his room. He needed to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, crockery in the kitchen and rubbish in the bin. That’s all. I’m happy to do the rest. DS made a token effort but there’s still tons of crap in there.

DS was upstairs with me and DH downstairs. I sent DH a text saying the room hasn’t been done, being discreet so that DH could deal with it. Instead of replying by text, he shouted up the stairs “it’s better than it was” meaning I had to shout back my answer, “it’s not good enough”. DS heard this and knew what I was referring to. Cue argument between DS and I 😢.

DS and DH have now driven off to buy things for his hobby and I’m left here, fuming 😡.

I am so sick of always being the bad guy 😞.

You and your husband need to present a united front when dealing with your son. Your husband should already understand this, but apparently he needs a refresher. I'd find time to talk with him when DS won't be around to overhear. Explain how you feel and that you need him to back you up and not let you become the default 'bad guy'.

He might not agree, or he may say he'll do it then fail to follow through, but a decent life partner would at least make an effort to support you.

For now, I wouldn't clean your son's room. It can wait for him (or DH) to tackle when they return home.

Behind every chilled go with the flow dad therefore an adult mum doing all the organising and real parenting. Have a conversation with him and tell him how disappointed you are and how would he like to go forward.

Your husband is a twat.
Stop doing anything for either of them.
No food or laundry, until they BOTH shape up.
Men like your husband give women the Ick. They actually care more about themselves than being a decent parent.
Ick.

You don’t say how old your ds is.

When dc was small, dh tried to duck out of discipline. I said I could do it but when the stroppy teenager walked into our life, he would have no say. The groundwork had to laid and continue to be built on for the appropriate relationship to be formed.

DH got the message.

@TheSandgroper DS is 19.

I fell into this trap too OP.

Next weekend, you go out and do something fun with your DS. Leave your DH to sort the house.

The pair of them are behaving like children.

19! I thought you were writing about a 7-year old.

Jeez.

Well he’s an adult. Personally I’d let the room be as long as you’re crockery back.

It’s not the house, it’s his room. He’s an adult

No. Leave them BOTH to sort the house out, whilst OP goes out and has fun on her own.

Urgh, things won't change OP. You're stuck with them, unless you do something tough about it.

Time to go on strike.
im guessing your sons room isn’t the only place you’re responsible for ensuring gets tidied. What happens when you just leave them to it and do nothing?

no more reminders about appointments, no more buying in the food or doing the washing. Let your son and husband stoat about in dirty clothes from off the floor for a while.

your husband is another man child who prefers to play than be responsible and your son is clearly the same. They need to learn

I think you need to take a different approach to DS, given his age.
So clothes on the floor in his bedroom .. that's his problem. But you do not wash anything of his and he has to wash his own clothes or leave anything he wants washed in the laundry basket by the machine.
Crockery in his room. He simply doesn't get to eat in his room unless the crockery has been brought back. That means you also don't cook for him or if you have prepared food then you withhold the food until it's brought back.
Messy room - that's up to him.

I have two teens and one is really quite messy. The room is not cleaned unless it's tidy (we have a cleaner) and I ask that clothes are either in the basket or brought downstairs to the machine. He learned pretty quickly after being frustrated he didn't have any clean clothes. He also does periodically tidy but he doesn't keep on top of it. I don't ask him any more though. I just pull the door shut ! Mess does have to be confined to the bedroom mind you.
DH also needs to be on board. Can you ask him to buy into these arrangements? I don't think the tidy before hobby idea works for an older DS unfortunately

What??

Why are you doing stuff for a 19 year old that shows no respect?

My x wasn't a Disney dad, he was even more immature, but I was too weak with my son, now 18.

I'd ask your son if he'd like to move in with his dad? Tell his father "as you are happy that son be absolved of all tasks, can son move in with you? That way, he can be free to be lazy without being challenged on that? And you don't mind clearing up/cooking/washing for another so that would suit you two better than coming here, right?"

I thought you were talking about a 10yo. I am impressed that your son and his father are spending time together doing something positive, absolutely think that you have your priorities wrong on this one.
I have a 18yo and a 20yo, I remove crockery from their rooms, otherwise if they want to live like pigs in shit, then that’s up to them.

Oh sorry, I thought he was an x h

I missed the fact DS is 19 😳

In that case it's up to the both of them to pitch in and do their bit to contribute to the household.

19?! He’s an adult and you two still haven’t worked out how to parent together. That’s daft. If your adult son still won’t clean up after himself at 19 I’d give up and become Disney mum.

Why are you impressed adult father and son are spending time together? How low is your bar? I agree with the tidying stuff but the dad isn’t doing anything special.

I wouldn't have anything to do with an adult child bedroom , but yes your dh was being a twat

19??? I too thought you were talking about a 10 year old! Stop Tiptoeing around him like he’s a delicate flower, demand all the dirty crockery but if he’s spent all this time with people treating him with kid gloves then it’s a bit late in the day to start telling him he needs to tidy his bedroom.

OP are you normally the cook of the household? If so I suggest you clean his room but tell DH as he failed to sort the room out, he's now in charge of sorting dinner out for the next several days.