Sick of being the bad guy

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I’m fuming. DH has form for being a bit Disney Dad when it comes to DS, leaving me to be the disciplinarian. Consequently, DS doesn’t like me very much, if at all, but loves his dad.

DH has given up his weekend to help DS with one of his hobbies. DS’s room is an absolute shit tip and I told DH not to start the hobby until DS had cleaned his room. He needed to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, crockery in the kitchen and rubbish in the bin. That’s all. I’m happy to do the rest. DS made a token effort but there’s still tons of crap in there.

DS was upstairs with me and DH downstairs. I sent DH a text saying the room hasn’t been done, being discreet so that DH could deal with it. Instead of replying by text, he shouted up the stairs “it’s better than it was” meaning I had to shout back my answer, “it’s not good enough”. DS heard this and knew what I was referring to. Cue argument between DS and I 😢.

DS and DH have now driven off to buy things for his hobby and I’m left here, fuming 😡.

I am so sick of always being the bad guy 😞.

Doing a hobby with his dad but not allowed to do it until he’s tidied his room. I thought fair enough. Then I read he is 19! 🥴

He's an adult .

You need to treat him like an adult.

He needs to be responsible for his room.

He needs to contribute to the household.

If he is taking the crockery, then don't cook.

Dirty clothes. He should be responsible for his own laundry.

I wonder whether the real issue is that you aren't treating him like an adult.

The idea that he can't spend time with his dad unless he cleans his room is the sort of thing that applies to a much younger child.

He is either studying or working full-time. He shouldn't need to be told to clean his room

He’s happy to sleep in a bed of rubbish and mouldy plates and wear the same filthy clothes for days on end. Yet he won’t eat the food I cook because he once found a hair in it 🙄.

It sounds like he's got executive functioning issues and possibly neurodiversity? Sleeping in a bed that is full of mouldy crockery is not a usual thing to do. Nor is wearing dirty clothes - I have a teen with ND who has a lot of difficulty with personal hygiene and clothes - all due to sensory difficulties. Maybe you need to address the reasons behind his behaviour. Obviously some of them are actually a health hazard and that needs to be addressed. The parenting Disney dad isn't the issue.

How have you got any fight left in you after 19 years?

I would have guessed 10 years old. At 19, you have to leave them to it. You can't win, especially if the other parent does not support you. What you can do though is disengage. There is no doing the rest, you are doing nothing. Any consequences if their actions that they bring to you, you make it your husband's responsibility to fix. 2 new favourite phrases for you. "Ask dad" and "tell dad".
" Mom where is my..., I have no clean clothes" *confused look, "ask dad", "tell dad". Dad may soon that getting fed up and finally teach his son some new skills.