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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To help ex in hour of need?

33 replies

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:09

I split up with dp (and father of my children) 12 years ago and have sole custody of children. FWIW I think he is a horrible, aggressive and very limited person but have tried to stay on good terms for the children.

After we split I let ex stay in a second flat I own in London to help him save up for his own place. He ended up staying for 10 years - I wanted my children to have somewhere nice to stay when they visited him and to give him the opportunity to get back on his feet and I became resigned to the situation. In that time he saved nothing (because he is awful with money) but bought man toys of course and I lost what would have been a lot of rental money. I finally asked him to leave.

He is now in a shitty rental that is going up in price and has developed serious health problems. Hr has a senior job but worried he will lose it and won't get the flexibility needed for his treatment. He has asked for my support and to move back in to the flat. It is vacant as I was planning to sell it.

I know the Christian thing is to help and I know he is my children's father but he has squandered money, has given me the minimum required for child support, took advantage of me when together and cannot save. Once he is in he will never leave.

On the other hand my children will never forgive me if he gets sicker and can't work and I don't help him.

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Crispsandcola · 25/05/2024 23:14

Nope. He is a grown man, an adult. You owe him nothing and have actually done more for him (and, indirectly your children) than you needed to. What ages are your children btw?

Pipersouth · 25/05/2024 23:15

I think you’ve given him enough- this may just be a move designed to get back into the flat. Don’t give him his power back over you. In your own words he is horrible and aggressive and needs to lie in the bed he made (unfortunate about the health issues if they are real but that’s the way it goes if he has saved nothing)

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:15

Thx@Crispsandcola
Children are teenagers. Not very close to him. See him every 3-4 months.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 23:18

Tell everyone it has already been sold, just waiting in the paperwork.

Fuck him op, fuck him.

olderbutwiser · 25/05/2024 23:19

Why do you say your children won’t forgive you? How much are they aware of? Is there another lesser way you can help him? How much will it cost you to let him have the flat for a while? Do you need the money badly?

Objectively I agree with pp he’s had more than enough help from you already, but in reality these situations are really hard to negotiate.

Itsthedress · 25/05/2024 23:20

He is not your responsibility and you would not be unreasonable to say no.

If you are inclined to help and can afford to, then I’d suggest only helping until the children are 18.

But don’t let him live there completely free, ask him for rent.

Chchchchnamechange · 25/05/2024 23:22

he needs to do what other ill people do, which is negotiate with his work. If he’s too ill to work he should get benefits which will pay his rent.

He hasn’t only sponged off you, he has sponged off his own kids. You could have put them through uni or saved a deposit for them. Just say no!

Lavender14 · 25/05/2024 23:23

Ah op I think that's a really hard position he's put you in.

I think you've patched this man's life together for 10 years. And he's had 2 years to get on his own two feet. Realistically with the helping hand you've given him he's really no excuse for not being in a better position.

I think ultimately you say no and remind him that you helped him out for 10 years and he has essentially cost you money for that entire time. I think it's ok to teach your children healthy boundaries. I'd consider what help/support (if any) you feel is appropriate to offer and stick by that. It's not your job to fix him, he's not fixing himself because he's expecting you to bail him out if he bullies you into it.

I think at some point you need to be done with it and if your kids eventually come asking then you can explain to them that you have bailed him out for 10 years and it was more than enough. If it's deeply upsetting for them then you can reconsider but if they aren't close or seeing him often then it might not be an issue.

Doyoumind · 25/05/2024 23:23

You have lost tens of thousands of pounds of income thanks to him. Sounds like your DC would benefit more from the money from the sale of the house. You aren't responsible for him.

Beautifulbythebay · 25/05/2024 23:24

Your dc need to see you have boundaries.. Not being a doormat.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/05/2024 23:25

Jesus Christ almighty! Absolutely not! He's a grown ass adult. You owe him nothing. Tell him sorry the property is for sale. Please don't do this. Let him deal with himself.

PickAChew · 25/05/2024 23:25

He sure knows how to pull your strings.

Pippa12 · 25/05/2024 23:26

Not a chance. Unfortunately, he’ll need to rely on the benefits system for hand outs, not you!

SuzySizzle · 25/05/2024 23:27

How old are your kids? Is the money from the flat likely to end up as theirs? What do they think?
Is the illness life limiting?
I might help him but would do so for the kids.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:28

@Chchchchnamechange that's how I feel too, that he has taken from our children. I estimate I saved him (and could have made about £200k) in the time that he was in my flat.

As an aside the fact that he is horrible with money and refuses to save drives me nuts and was one of the major conflicts in our marriage. I begged him to get a financial plan and to sort a pension and he refused to do either because that sort of thing is a drag. Now he is old, retiring in less than 10 years and has nothing.

Because of his is going to end up being a financial burden on his children - a shitty legacy to leave.

OP posts:
LovedmyRaleighChopper · 25/05/2024 23:29

How unreasonable he is to ask. No of course you shouldn’t sub his accommodation a moment longer, and shouldn’t have done it for the past ten years either. You have given him totally unrealistic expectations. You already have children and from the sounds of it they can expect nothing from him, time to pull on your big girl pants and be kind but firm. Sorry to hear you aren’t well but moving back won’t be possible. On repeat. He is not your responsibility and your children will understand that when they are mature enough.

Theunamedcat · 25/05/2024 23:30

He reserves the right to fuck up his life

And you should protect yours you literally gave him a fuck ton of money by not charging him rent for ten years that 200k could buy a three bed house in my area easily

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 23:30

Saying no now will help your children to learn to say no to him in the future.

He has other options, leave him to it.

Crispsandcola · 25/05/2024 23:39

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:15

Thx@Crispsandcola
Children are teenagers. Not very close to him. See him every 3-4 months.

I reckon your children will be very capable of understanding your position and supporting your decisionto put your needs first. You're the one who has always been there for them after all. Put any lingering guilt aside and move on from him for your own sake.

Starlightstarbright3 · 25/05/2024 23:40

He only see’s the children every 3 - 4 times a year….

He is using it to manipulate you rather than take responsibility for himself .

Its time he dealt with his problems .

You know this deep down .

MyWhoHa · 25/05/2024 23:43

No. You've done far more for him than many other people would have.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 25/05/2024 23:55

Absolutely not! You’ve given him more than enough. He’s taken advantage of you and squandered his money, that’s his problem!
This is a key moment with your DC actually. He will only be a financial burden to them if they let him. By you saying no this time. you’ll teach your kids that it’s okay to say no to him. Don’t do it. Put them first.

mammaCh · 26/05/2024 00:02

You helped him for 10 years. Do not do it anymore.
He's us not your responsibility.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 26/05/2024 10:04

Thx fr everyone's advice. When we were together it was like being a mother to a teenage boy and again he expects me to mother him, so I really must say no to him. Thx all.

OP posts:
Beamur · 26/05/2024 10:07

Stick to that OP! He's not your responsibility.