To help ex in hour of need?

[Waferbiscuit]

I split up with dp (and father of my children) 12 years ago and have sole custody of children. FWIW I think he is a horrible, aggressive and very limited person but have tried to stay on good terms for the children.

After we split I let ex stay in a second flat I own in London to help him save up for his own place. He ended up staying for 10 years - I wanted my children to have somewhere nice to stay when they visited him and to give him the opportunity to get back on his feet and I became resigned to the situation. In that time he saved nothing (because he is awful with money) but bought man toys of course and I lost what would have been a lot of rental money. I finally asked him to leave.

He is now in a shitty rental that is going up in price and has developed serious health problems. Hr has a senior job but worried he will lose it and won't get the flexibility needed for his treatment. He has asked for my support and to move back in to the flat. It is vacant as I was planning to sell it.

I know the Christian thing is to help and I know he is my children's father but he has squandered money, has given me the minimum required for child support, took advantage of me when together and cannot save. Once he is in he will never leave.

On the other hand my children will never forgive me if he gets sicker and can't work and I don't help him.

Aibu to say no?

Its not his hour of need, its a the continuation of a lifetime of needieness.
You had a relationship and DCs with him, you did not adopt him and all his problems in perpetuity. I can understand why you made the decisions you did 10 years ago with your children in mind, but you cannot let him guilt you into moving into the flat again now. As you are selling Im presuming you have plans for the money that involve you and your children's futures without this leech derailing them.

If your DCs ask, you can show them the figures and demonstrate how much you have supported and subsidised him over the 10 years, and how much of a difference that money could have made to them eg house deposits, uni.
You could also ask them what responsibility he bears in the situation, given that he was earning and had his housing costs subsidised but chose not to save or plan for the future (his or theirs).

You have carried him for 10 years plus. Enough is enough.

sell the property.
Your children are old enough to understand how charitable you've been but also that adults have to stand on their own 2 feet.

Absolutely not, not a chance. It's not his hour of need it's his continuous utter uselessness and it will never end.

I mean, if you really want to do it for your kids sake, at least charge him some rent this time.

He is a user and a leech who has stolen money from you and your children.

Your children are teens now, so there is really no reason to ever talk to this cocklodger ever again. Send him a text saying you wish him well and goodbye. Then, delete and block him.

Huh? Why is it your responsibility, why do you think they wouldn’t forgive you?

You gave him more than enough help.

"I'm sorry kids, but your dad has paid nothing to live in my flat for ten years. That means I've basically given my ex-husband £200,000. That gave him chance to save most of his wages, which he could have used now. But he didn't. You might not understand it now, but when you're older you'll look back and recognise how incredibly generous that was of me. The flat is for sale and viewings are planned. I can't and won't go back on it"

This is very good advice. My ex husband is similarly useless with money - I won't allow him to rely on our DD. I explain to her that financial support is from the parent to the child snd not the other way around. Saying no now will ultimately help your children.