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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a MIL one

30 replies

juraandme · 25/05/2024 18:53

Way back in January i asked my inlaws if they could have the DC for two nights this weekend as its my husbands birthday. Our DC are 4 and 1. All was agreed and although i hadn't made physical bookings, we had plans to go hillwalking and go for dinner afterwards and then have a lie in for the first time in a long time the morning after. They were happy with this and added it to their diary.

Around 4 weeks ago a football game was scheduled for today and MIL made a comment to DH about them trying to get tickets. I text and said was this happening as obviously they already had agreed to take the kids so I needed to know if I had to make other arrangements and the reply was yes, FIL wants to go to the football so we are going to try and get tickets. DH very disappointed that they were choosing football over the Gkids at his birthday and i was honestly raging but just simply said fine i will try arrange something else for DH birthday.

Basically couldn't arrange other childcare so our plans were changed to staying at home. Not the end of the world but we were really looking forward to spending a bit of time together.

Well, today they are on the phone and DH asks what time are you guys going to the game and the reply is that they didn’t manage to get any tickets!!!

AIBU to be annoyed here? Cancelled their original plans with grandkids for a football game and then didn’t even get tickets for said game but still didn’t go back to original agreement?

YABU - they were right to do this.
YANBU - that was pretty shitty of them.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 25/05/2024 18:55

Why is this down to MiL alone?

Keeva2017 · 25/05/2024 18:56

Lots of people will say they don’t owe you childcare but I think they’ve been really shitty. It’s unkind letting you get excited and then vaguely cancel for what turns out to be no reason.

Allofaflutter · 25/05/2024 18:58

It’s shitty to agree then pull out for false reasons.

PrincessofWells · 25/05/2024 18:58

Presumably FIL had a say in this. Your misogyny is astounding . . .

PotatoPudding · 25/05/2024 18:59

I think that’s pretty shitty. I have no time for people who can’t be upfront and honest. If they didn’t want to look after your kids for the night, they should have told you.

Justcallmebebes · 25/05/2024 19:00

Really poor form and unkind

LiterallyOnFire · 25/05/2024 19:00

Do you think maybe they disapprove of you spending DH's birthday as a twosome and we're being a bit passive aggressive about it? In some families celebrating your birthday without your children, siblings and/or parents wouldn't go down well.

stayathomer · 25/05/2024 19:00

They possibly were trying until the end but yes, they should have told you. Such a waste!

LiterallyOnFire · 25/05/2024 19:00

Were not we're.

PuppyMonkey · 25/05/2024 19:01

It’s bad of them not to come back to you and say they were now free again. Has your DH not spoken to them at all in all this time?

CardiganTardigan · 25/05/2024 19:06

Nah, that’s shit.

And it’s not just your MIL, it’s both of them. Well, now you know not to rely on them again.

Original poster
juraandme · 25/05/2024 19:11

The reason i say MIL is that FIL actually supports the team so i can understand him going to the game if he got tickets but MIL didn’t need to go too, and the plans could have still went ahead. DH has seen them multiple times since and so have I and it was never mentioned that they didn’t actually get tickets, nor did they question wether we had found alternative childcare. They didn’t keep trying to get tickets as when they originally tried apparently the price was too expensive so they decided not to try to get tickets after that.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 19:13

I don't think they ever intended to look after them op.
Did they apologise?

Original poster
juraandme · 25/05/2024 19:14

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 19:13

I don't think they ever intended to look after them op.
Did they apologise?

Nope, just asked what we were doing for his birthday then and we said we weren’t able to organise anything without the wee ones so would be nothing too exciting. They just went a bit silent and changed the topic.

OP posts:
ArmchairPhycologist · 25/05/2024 19:16

So when dh found out today they weren't going to the football and said "Great, we'll drop the kids off in an hour" (meaning you could still have your meal out at lie in at least) they said...?

Original poster
juraandme · 25/05/2024 19:20

ArmchairPhycologist · 25/05/2024 19:16

So when dh found out today they weren't going to the football and said "Great, we'll drop the kids off in an hour" (meaning you could still have your meal out at lie in at least) they said...?

He actually said, so you could have had the kids then? And there was a lot of spluttering and no words actually came out that meant anything and then she said, you didn’t get anything booked though, as if it was our fault. DH then said he had to go and came off the phone in a terrible mood

OP posts:
pictoosh · 25/05/2024 19:23

Yanbu...this would upset me too. So disappointing.

Halfheadhighlights · 25/05/2024 19:25

Was it the FA cup final?

lechatnoir · 25/05/2024 19:25

It sounds like you need to be clearer & more forthright in your communication.

when you heard they planned on going to football, why on earth did DH not ring and remind them of their commitment to look after your dc. When you found out there didn't get tickets, I can't believe you didn't ask why they didn't tell you so you could go away after all? And when mil asked what you were doing for DH's birthday, why not say 'well nothing as you were able to have the children'

It's currently all very polite, rather passive aggressive and totally infuriating by all accounts.

Moveoverdarlin · 25/05/2024 19:30

It’s extremely shitty behaviour. Have they had the children overnight before? My guess is that they were worried and nervous about it or just didn’t want to have them. Either way I would never ask them again. I’d also keep my distance for the next few weeks, I’d want them to know you and DH are pissy.

Tospyornottospy · 25/05/2024 19:30

YANBU total dick behaviour from them and DH should tell them he’s upset.

SilentSilhouette · 25/05/2024 19:31

juraandme · 25/05/2024 19:20

He actually said, so you could have had the kids then? And there was a lot of spluttering and no words actually came out that meant anything and then she said, you didn’t get anything booked though, as if it was our fault. DH then said he had to go and came off the phone in a terrible mood

Show quote history

But you don't have to book something to have plans! Thats ridiculous!

I'd be fuming. If they committed to have the kids then they shouldn't have started thinking about booking something else.

Original poster
juraandme · 25/05/2024 19:38

Moveoverdarlin · 25/05/2024 19:30

It’s extremely shitty behaviour. Have they had the children overnight before? My guess is that they were worried and nervous about it or just didn’t want to have them. Either way I would never ask them again. I’d also keep my distance for the next few weeks, I’d want them to know you and DH are pissy.

They have had them a few times. This is an ongoing saga of disappointment to be honest so we dont ask them often which is why i asked so far in advance. There is an ongoing feeling of annoyance from DH as they regularly look after their other grandchildren and he worries that if he says anything it will all end up exploding into a huge argument and he will end up being done completely.

I think the annoyance also comes more because my own mum has passed away and my dad who is much older than them (and on his own) does a lot for us and is our main childcare during working hours and we know how much my own mum would have wanted to do these things.

Its one of those ones that we are worried to say anything because it genuinely feels like it would be the end of any relationship, as DH would explode and they would put it back on to him and he’d say things he would regret.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 25/05/2024 19:42

Sorry its the FA Cup Final (or Scottish Cup Final) today so yes fine to cancel if they had managed to get tickets and also fine for MIL to want to go too if she wanted to for such an occasion. When you asked originally they wouldn't have known his team would qualify (especially if its United!)

However not having secured tickets they should have mentioned they hadn't (I guess FIL wanted to watch in peace). Did you say you would make other arrangements? Maybe they didn't because they assumed you had.

FrangipaniBlue · 25/05/2024 19:54

lechatnoir · 25/05/2024 19:25

It sounds like you need to be clearer & more forthright in your communication.

when you heard they planned on going to football, why on earth did DH not ring and remind them of their commitment to look after your dc. When you found out there didn't get tickets, I can't believe you didn't ask why they didn't tell you so you could go away after all? And when mil asked what you were doing for DH's birthday, why not say 'well nothing as you were able to have the children'

It's currently all very polite, rather passive aggressive and totally infuriating by all accounts.

Did you even read ALL of the OPs posts Confused