Is it me, or is this just how people are?

[MyGreenFinch]

I'm finding it so hard to get anyone to come and do anything around the house, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something that puts people off.

I have the feeling that we're all much less likely to keep to agreements these days, but logic suggests that there's a reason why people keep ghosting me. They are really communicative... until they're not.

The two most recent occurrences: a great cleaner came and did a big clean of my house. Then perhaps a month later she came back for a smaller clean. After that we arranged for her to come and do some ironing. On the day she didn't show up, and never opened my message. I've passed her on the street since, so I know she's still alive ;-) I was wondering whether I'd said or done something wrong the second time she was here, but she did text me to make the third appointment before eventually ghosting.

Then I had a handyman who came and did some odd jobs for me. All went great. Came back another time and did some more. Again all good. Then I had a bigger job (still not that major) for him, and he wanted to come over and discuss and measure up. All fine and everything was agreed. I just had to order the bits and pieces he needed, which I did. Then I tried to make a date for him to do the work. No answer. I messaged again and he replied saying he'd been busy, but still didn't mention a date. Do I message him a third time, or am I just not getting the hint? In the meantime I'm sitting here with £100 of materials taking up space, and an unfinished job that means we can't leave our back door open. I just want it done!

I have ADHD so on the one hand I'm not sure if there are social cues that I'm missing or if I come across as odd, but on the other hand I have the associated RSD (if you know, you know) so I wonder if I'm being too sensitive.

YABU: people are just more flakey these days, don't take it personally
YANBU: you're clearly putting people off, after all you're the common denominator here!

Edited to add: obviously I could call people if they don't respond to texts, but presumably someone who's a no-show isn't going to change their mind just because I ring them, right?

Why didn’t you ask the cleaner when you saw her on the street? And yes, call the tradesman!

I think this is just how people are. I talk to millenial and gen z and they are amazed that BEFORE mobile phones we just made arrangements and stuck to them. You only have to look on here to see how many people think everything is optional and never commit. Go easy on yourself, it's probably them, not you :)

Tradesmen are notorious for this.

Especially handymen as they do a lot of small jobs.

I should have said but felt I was too long-winded already - she walked past me on a busy road, talking on the phone. I only really spotted her when we were passing each other.

Not just you, we have had this too.

Last year trying to find someone to cut some of our trees down in the garden, it was ridiculous - most of them just never responded, a few did respond but either never showed up to quote or never sent a quote back - in the end our landscaper found someone for us he had used previously.

Then more recently we had our bathroom re-tiled, used one of those mybuilder websites to get some interest and rough quotes and offered the job to someone - he came out, did the work seemed fine and we had said from the beginning said we also wanted someone to re-tile our kitchen, he said he was interested and would come back to measure up/quote after the Easter holidays - never heard from him again and he didn't respond to the message I sent him so I am not going to ask again so I will end up posting the job back on mybuilder but won't ask him to quote this time as it's made him seem a bit unreliable!

I think itll be more to so with you giving them adhoc jobs rather than regular as such..i think if it was come twice week to clean , or once, then that's regular. I think they probably had regular work offered, but rude not to let you know

You are not being unreasonable!! I waited in one evening for a handyman to pop over to give me quotes after arranging it on FB messenger. He even updated me a few hours before as to what time he'd arrive! Then...nothing!! I messaged him a while later that evening to see if he was still coming or wanted to re-arrange. I was very polite with him and he simply ghosted me! Simillar things have happened to friends and family too re various people. It's nuts!

Its not unusual. You've just had bad luck I think.

My manager was interviewing for an accounts role a few weeks ago. They were looking for two people and arranged to interview about 10. Of the 10 one cancelled 20 mins before and 4 others just didn't turn up for the Teams/ face to face interview. I was shocked that so many just would just not turn up without letting them know.

I've had this too OP and I'm as certain as I can be I've done nothing wrong. Kept out of their way other than to make tea, praised their work, paid on the nail in cash as requested. Much enthusiasm from them about any other jobs I have...then...never see them again. I think good people are so in demand they simply over commit and then don't know how to say no.

Pre mobiles / internet days we had a person lined up to do a small patio
The slabs and cement etc we paid for showed up but the builder didn't! His phone ( landline only then ) rung and rung and nothing doing.
I often wonder what happened there , he didn't give us his address and as we had the things delivered we just got someone else to do it.
I can't get any trades people these days. Or it's very difficult
I think many builders are just doing up old houses around here and helping their friends out. Not interested in one off jobs in private homes.

This is why I now try to diy it rather than asking for trades people as they often don’t turn up, or do and then don’t follow up with a quote. It’s just a waste of time.

It's easier now to look up how to
Do some things online , but often plumbing or gas and electrical work you need a proper trader and it's not easy to find reliable ones.

I'm pretty handy in general, but unfortunately am out of action following a major operation earlier this year and some other health problems that have developed recently.

The weird thing is that the handyman even messaged me after the operation to see how I was, which makes me think he's probably just snowed at the moment and I'm being too sensitive. I just always worry about missing unspoken messages that others might find obvious.

It's a tricky one as you don't want to pressure him , but you also need the work doing !
I can sympathize as we've been messed around by people in the past and ended up going elsewhere ( after a lot of hassle and ringing around ) but it is harder to find the right ones these days.

People feel harassed by messaging now and I think they just can’t face answering yet another text, so they ignore it for a day, but then find it harder to reply so just don’t.

20 years ago you wouldn’t have phoned your cleaner at 8pm (not suggesting you did this!) or had such easy and instant access to anyone, with the expectation they reply straight away.

As these seem to be people that have done work and don't want to come back, I'd guess that maybe you're moving the requirements, or asking for more work expecting it to still be within the price?

Or hovering over them, there is a bit of a tradesman's joke, price £20 an hour, £25 if householder helps!

It's a reasonable assumption but definitely not - in fact, when the handyman quoted me for the second job and asked me if I thought it was too much, I said it was too little and insisted on a higher amount (sounds bizarre but he asked for way too little for 3 hours' work. I'm a contractor myself and felt his inital quote was ridiculously low). Maybe that was too weird hahaha.

I'm not really a hoverer either I don't think... I did offer to help him with one thing that needed an extra pair of hands but he was keen to accept so...

I wouldn’t say it’s you. It’s generally hard to find reliable tradespeople. I think they must be really busy so they pick the jobs they prefer to do.

You aren't alone OP. I know things have been generally bad since the pandemic but it has been the story of my life. I also have ADHD and I think (although I'm not sure) that I'm over friendly and I over share. Instead of making people feel comfortable I put them off. I mean, I'm not inappropriate or anything. I just tend to try and make them feel relaxed - I'm making this sound worse aren't I!That's the conclusion I've come to at the ripe old age of 67 anyway.

I agree with this. Cleaners in particular don't usually do ad hoc jobs, they have regular weekly/ fortnightly slots for a household clean. So if anything I expect it was that.

I think it's not that unusual for odd job men to be a bit flaky, and agree tradespeople can be the worst for it.

Yeah, quite a lot of tradesmen are flakey, and people with jobs like cleaning, especially if it's not their sole job because sometimes a better offer comes up, a few weeks of solid work somewhere or something, and they'll drop smaller jobs for that. It is very frustrating, but it's not your fault.

I'm a cleaner and I stop working for clients for many reasons, one being it's too far to travel, or I've got other commitments, or finding another job. Only on a few occasions has it been the client who put me off.

Yep we have had this kind of behaviour numerous times! We had one company accept a job. It got closer to the start date and I messaged to clarify what would be happening that week as I was off work and wanted to make sure I was around - hence why we picked that week and I had made sure this was confirmed numerous time. He messaged back saying he had booked a holiday as that was his only free week so wouldn’t be doing the job that week and could he rearrange. I politely told him to do one.

Another recent one, we organised for our sofa to be cleaned. Once again, I was off work so we picked that day and he was meant to arrive at 8am. He just never showed up. Never opened the messages, didn’t answer his phone. We have saw his van on the estate so he is still a functioning business. Really rude behaviour to be honest.

It almost feels like these businesses think they’re doing you a favour rather than work you are paying good money for!

Really. You've spoken to multiple millennials and gen Z and they've all been AMAZED at the concept of sticking to plans have they. AMAZED. How did these conversations come up I wonder? How did they express their amazement?

I'm a millennial. We're not the clueless kid generation here. I'm in my 30's, my millennial friends are in their 30's and 40's and clearly and easily remember life before mobile phones, and I do believe you're talking out of your arsehole :)