To ruin my life

[batbiscuits]

I'm not sure if AIBU is the right place for this but here goes. Apologies if this comes out all jumbled, I'm not sure it even all makes sense in my head.

I feel like I've found myself on a path of self destruction and I'm at an utter loss as to what to do. It feels like my life, my marriage is all crumbling around me.

Married 10 years to my DH, one DC. Relationship was strong until DC arrived. I had horrible PND after my DC was born and it took us a lot of therapy to overcome it all. There were lots of other difficulties around that time too, Covid, issues with work, family illness etc. it was just an incredibly tough time and though we moved on, I don't think my relationship with my DH ever fully recovered.

He's a wonderful husband and father. He's always pulled his weight in the home and being a parent. He works hard, he's kind and generous and I should be happy, right? After the shit hit the fan with my PND, I felt like my DH pulled away a bit - I don't blame him, I think this was his way of coping. He admitted in therapy that he felt resentful towards me - I was awful to him in the throes of my PND. I lashed out a lot (not physically) but I was overly critical and harsh with my words. He always maintained that he loved me and cared for me but the relationship never felt right after that.

We moved on, life went back to normal and we ambled along but deep down I was stuck with the feeling that he didn't love me the same anymore - I know this sounds really childish writing it down but he was quicker to lose his temper with me in a disagreement, he became defensive all the time (as I result of my past criticism, I know) He was so loving and thoughtful towards me before we had DC but now he wasn't making the same effort. It's like he was just tired of it all, and I don't blame him for it but the problem was he always denied it to me. He said that he felt the same as he always had, I was putting 2 and 2 together and getting 6. I felt like I was going crazy. We had more therapy on and off as I tried to feel comfortable in our marriage again and shake off all these negative feelings.

Fast forward to maybe 3/4 months ago. Things started to change. It felt like the old 'us' was coming back again. More intimacy, more laughter, just a generally more loving, happy relationship. Things have been great but in the past couple of weeks it's like someone has flicked a switch in me and I've gone into self destruct mode.

I feel like my emotions have gone out of control. I can't handle ANY conflict whatsoever with DH. It's like a trigger to me and I go into complete meltdown. I want to leave, I can't do this any more.. in the worst moments I've even lashed out with hurtful words and I feel awful for it. I've also started to fantasise about leaving and meeting someone else. I find myself being interested in other guys and it's making me feel sick. I hate it and I know deep down it's not what I want but it's almost like I'm having compulsive thoughts. I'm struggling to find the energy to be the parent I want to be. I'm snappy and frustrated with my DC. I've started to feel like I want to walk away from both of them to go and live somewhere by myself. I just don't feel like myself at all and I can't make any sense of this path of self destruction I've found myself on since things started to move in the right direction in my marriage.

One thing that does stick out in a conversation I had with my DH about how well things were going is that he finally admitted that 'he hasn't felt this way about me in years' essentially admitting that the insecurity I'd felt in his loss of love for me was justified when he spent years telling me I was wrong. His defence was he only just realised now the true extent of his feelings towards me at the time and seeing how good things have been going has reignited the spark if you will.

I'm also the fittest and healthiest I've been in years, I've prioritised exercise and eating right and up until a few weeks ago I was feeling amazing but that's also crashed and burned now. I'm nitpicking over every part of myself. I need surgery to fix this that I don't like about myself, I need to lose more weight, I'm starting to dislike how I look and I'm irritable and stressed.

Could I be depressed? I don't know what is wrong with me. I've started to have dark thoughts again like I did during my PND but I know it's not something I'd act upon but still, having them is really unsettling me. I know IABU but I'm spiralling and I guess I want to know if anyone else has felt like this before?

On the surface I have it all, a wonderful DH, a beautiful DC, a nice home, a privileged life, holidays booked, family and friends. So why has this come out of nowhere. Why am I feeling like I'm stuck in a constant state of fight or flight? I'm going to destroy my marriage aren't I? Is it over? What do I do?

Thank you for reading

Do you have a therapist? Or a psychiatrist? Sounds like your mental health is getting worse and you need professional help.

I think you maybe need to talk to your GP about anti depressants. They can really help to settle things down.

How old are you op?

I do have a therapist I can speak to. I've used them for couples and individual therapy so they know my/our history. I just feel like I'm tired of therapy. I feel like what's the point. Which is probably a sign I really do need to speak to someone again.

I'm 35

You sound depressed. Please see your GP as you’re not in a good way and you’ve got a young child who needs you to be well.

I only asked age as peri menopause hit me around 37/38 with horrendous moods. I'd speak to GP and tell them exactly how you are feeling

Thank you. I know I need to fix things for my DC. We've always kept disagreements and problems hidden from my DC but in the past couple of weeks I've screamed and lost it with my DH on 2 occasions whilst my DC has been present and I'm devastated about it. I don't want this for my DC. I grew up in an incredibly volatile/abusive home and I swore I would never have that life for my children. I think that's why I've been having impulsive thoughts to leave.

I think yes it seems mental illness is at play and you need to speak to your doctor on Tuesday. Don’t make any rash decisions before then and apologise to your husband now, explain you’re unwell again and you will seek medical help.

@Sillystrumpet Good advice

Also, tell you dh that your mental health is very bad and you need help. That will make it easier for him to support you.

Suspect he already knows the op is unwell again. It’s important though for her to articulate it, to express she knows it, and will do something about it. He can also formulate coping strategies to protect himself and the child.as the op seeks medial help.

It sounds like you might have developed PMDD which can be sorted with the mirena coil or the pill 💜 or both in my case 😆

Agree with both @parietal and @Sillystrumpet . Just wanted to add, would your DH be up for speaking with someone? He probably needs a space to process the last few years too and he needs to be supported so in turn he can support you.
If you feel yourself losing control, especially in front of your little one, could you remove yourself? Do you have the self awareness while it's happening?
It is a positive that you are aware you are spiralling @batbiscuits . Deep breaths, get to your GP and see where you go from there.

Thank you. I've just been in tears reading the replies because I know things aren't right. I just feel so confused by it all. I felt the happiest I'd been in a long time just a few weeks ago and this has all come out of absolutely nowhere. I can't make sense of it at all. I will contact my therapist and get the ball rolling again.

My DH is very understanding and I know I probably don't deserve him. He said he'll support me in whatever way he can and he knows I'm not myself right now. He's a wonderful person.

@rainbowhairchalk I've just googled PMDD and wow, I have all of those symptoms! Every single one. I have been absolutely exhausted for the past few weeks. I can't sleep properly, I'm feeling really insecure and emotional. This has all coincided with the week before, of and after my period too. My DH even joked I may have been pregnant initially because that was the last time I was this teary - obviously it's progressed since then and I'm definitely spiralling, not getting better.

Op, I mean this gently, please speak to your doctor. Good luck. Mental illness is like physical illness, you’d see a doctor for the latter so should the former, therapy can help in conjunction.

I know it feels really scary, OP, but best not to jump to any conclusions about your mental health right now. You've been through PND and marriage issues/therapy. I would start by being curious about why you're experiencing your current thoughts and feelings. Your husband is not a saint for supporting you through PND. That's what a loving partner should do.

There seems to have been a massive breach of the trust in your relationship, because you knew things didn't feel right and your husband pretended this wasn't the case. He later admitted this. So now you've allowed yourself to be very close to him and emotionally vulnerable again - could this be your brain screaming at you about the risks of doing this and how safe the relationshipis? It's easy to assume it's a relapse of your depression. If it is, that doesn't mean there's no reason for it.

You've had couples and individual therapy with the same counsellor - is that right? I would have an honest conversation with a trusted GP (easy to say and can be hard to find) and consider medication or CBT. Maybe you could also think about finding yourself a safe space with a new counsellor so you can unpick what might be going on for you. It makes sense to me why you might be going through your current turmoil. A counsellor who has worked with yoi both as a couple, may not be the best person to speak to right now.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Things sound incredibly tough for you. What's your support network like? Do you have good friends who aren't 'team husband'?

Thank you. I just typed out a reply and then it disappeared so I'll try again. My DH has had therapy individually and with me over the years since my DC was born. We did a lot of healing together. I know my PND had a big impact on him and I've carried a lot of guilt for that over the years. He says he's happy and in a good place now but I think part of my desire to run away is that I don't want to hurt him again. I'm hiding away upstairs and he's just come in to bring me a cup of tea and give me a hug. He said he's here for me in whatever way I need him to be. He's a good one.

Re. shouting in front of my DC. It's not directed towards them, they've just happened to be around and have heard. An example is my DH will say something snarky if he's tired or in a bad mood and then I erupt. To describe it, it's like I just get this wave of adrenaline maybe - I'm shaking and feel sick and I just want to scream and run away. Fight or flight is probably the best way to describe it. It's not my DH. Previously I would brush off a grumpy comment but now it just sends me spiralling and it's like I fall off the edge of a cliff. I have taken myself away for some time upstairs because I could feel myself getting worked up earlier so I can control it to an extent but the two times I lost it in front of my DC I was really really upset. I'm trying really hard to avoid that now.

I feel like I've lost my mind. The PND I sort of understood but this isn't me at all and it's come out of nowhere.

Your poor dh.

This is just horrible it reads like a sneaky passive aggressive attack on her husband as a way to try to get her to feel her marriage is shit.

Think it is a point worth considering. The OP's DH wasn't open with her about how he felt, yet now has confirmed her fears.

I agree is sounds like peri menopause. And I’m not impressed with your oh passive aggressive backhanded comment.

I think, him admitting he was thinking what you felt all along and what he would never admit, has left you reeling and unsafe.

You weren't crazy at all and you knew he was there in body but not in spirit.

I think that is why your mind is lashing out because you don't feel safe and all your anchors have come flying our at once and now you're flailing about.

I do think this is something to discuss in therapy. Unfortunately, as you've learned, even the ones closest to us can lie. We put them on a pedestal because we love them. And then they let us down. I don't think putting your safety catch on another person is a good mechanism because unfortunately, they can't always maintain this and it isn't hundred percent reliable.

The only one we can put 100% faith in, is ourselves. Do you have any problems trusting yourself due to this? Like your decision-making. Do you often defer to your husband? Not like in a controlling sense but because you vulnerable after pnd?

I could be talking utter rot. I was just wondering what made you spiral so much and it's usually when it's something stressful, that goes beyond our control. I often get this with anxiety or my ocd traits play up. When things have gone tits up basically.

I'm really wishing you the best in life. You deserve peace and happiness.

It was such a relief to find out there was a reason for the way I was feeling. I hope you see your GP and get sorted.