To ruin my life

[batbiscuits]

I'm not sure if AIBU is the right place for this but here goes. Apologies if this comes out all jumbled, I'm not sure it even all makes sense in my head.

I feel like I've found myself on a path of self destruction and I'm at an utter loss as to what to do. It feels like my life, my marriage is all crumbling around me.

Married 10 years to my DH, one DC. Relationship was strong until DC arrived. I had horrible PND after my DC was born and it took us a lot of therapy to overcome it all. There were lots of other difficulties around that time too, Covid, issues with work, family illness etc. it was just an incredibly tough time and though we moved on, I don't think my relationship with my DH ever fully recovered.

He's a wonderful husband and father. He's always pulled his weight in the home and being a parent. He works hard, he's kind and generous and I should be happy, right? After the shit hit the fan with my PND, I felt like my DH pulled away a bit - I don't blame him, I think this was his way of coping. He admitted in therapy that he felt resentful towards me - I was awful to him in the throes of my PND. I lashed out a lot (not physically) but I was overly critical and harsh with my words. He always maintained that he loved me and cared for me but the relationship never felt right after that.

We moved on, life went back to normal and we ambled along but deep down I was stuck with the feeling that he didn't love me the same anymore - I know this sounds really childish writing it down but he was quicker to lose his temper with me in a disagreement, he became defensive all the time (as I result of my past criticism, I know) He was so loving and thoughtful towards me before we had DC but now he wasn't making the same effort. It's like he was just tired of it all, and I don't blame him for it but the problem was he always denied it to me. He said that he felt the same as he always had, I was putting 2 and 2 together and getting 6. I felt like I was going crazy. We had more therapy on and off as I tried to feel comfortable in our marriage again and shake off all these negative feelings.

Fast forward to maybe 3/4 months ago. Things started to change. It felt like the old 'us' was coming back again. More intimacy, more laughter, just a generally more loving, happy relationship. Things have been great but in the past couple of weeks it's like someone has flicked a switch in me and I've gone into self destruct mode.

I feel like my emotions have gone out of control. I can't handle ANY conflict whatsoever with DH. It's like a trigger to me and I go into complete meltdown. I want to leave, I can't do this any more.. in the worst moments I've even lashed out with hurtful words and I feel awful for it. I've also started to fantasise about leaving and meeting someone else. I find myself being interested in other guys and it's making me feel sick. I hate it and I know deep down it's not what I want but it's almost like I'm having compulsive thoughts. I'm struggling to find the energy to be the parent I want to be. I'm snappy and frustrated with my DC. I've started to feel like I want to walk away from both of them to go and live somewhere by myself. I just don't feel like myself at all and I can't make any sense of this path of self destruction I've found myself on since things started to move in the right direction in my marriage.

One thing that does stick out in a conversation I had with my DH about how well things were going is that he finally admitted that 'he hasn't felt this way about me in years' essentially admitting that the insecurity I'd felt in his loss of love for me was justified when he spent years telling me I was wrong. His defence was he only just realised now the true extent of his feelings towards me at the time and seeing how good things have been going has reignited the spark if you will.

I'm also the fittest and healthiest I've been in years, I've prioritised exercise and eating right and up until a few weeks ago I was feeling amazing but that's also crashed and burned now. I'm nitpicking over every part of myself. I need surgery to fix this that I don't like about myself, I need to lose more weight, I'm starting to dislike how I look and I'm irritable and stressed.

Could I be depressed? I don't know what is wrong with me. I've started to have dark thoughts again like I did during my PND but I know it's not something I'd act upon but still, having them is really unsettling me. I know IABU but I'm spiralling and I guess I want to know if anyone else has felt like this before?

On the surface I have it all, a wonderful DH, a beautiful DC, a nice home, a privileged life, holidays booked, family and friends. So why has this come out of nowhere. Why am I feeling like I'm stuck in a constant state of fight or flight? I'm going to destroy my marriage aren't I? Is it over? What do I do?

Thank you for reading

Op, could you possibly be bipolar? I could have written this post myself and it turned out that I was indeed bipolar. I had lots of intensive psychotherapy on a medical trial and thankfully my barrage survived and this year we have been together for 22 years. I did cheat on him when I was at my worst, I could be an absolute monster when I was hyper manic and felt hideously awful after wards but he did buy me and supported me and we are strive and happier than ever ( but it wasn't easy).

Perhaps OP this has stemmed from a fear of losing your DH - because he has admitted he didn't feel the same about you after you'd been unwell - and therfore you are 1) reacting very emotionally to that (very stressful) news and 2) perhaps you are subconsciously pushing him away before he can leave you. Definitely worth seeking some professional help. But do also talk to DH.

Thank you everyone for your input so far. It's really been helpful and I appreciate all of the advice that's been given. I think just writing it down and being completely transparent about how I'm feeling has helped. I've contacted my therapist and I'm hoping to get a session booked in soon to try and unpick everything.

To those that have suggested my DH lied to me or was manipulative in not telling me the truth about his feelings, I understand your concerns and respect them but knowing my DH, this really isn't who he is. I think he honestly believed things were the same albeit we had some struggles but then when we finally turned a big corner, his eyes were opened I guess. If anything, he lacked awareness or even didn't want to see that we still had some distance between us but now we've been in this great place, he's realised what we were lacking.

A few of you have picked up on the fact that perhaps I'm sabotaging my relationship because it's going well and this resonates. I have a habit of throwing walls up to protect myself. I grew up with emotional abuse and domestic violence and shutting down or lashing out has been a pattern of behaviour I've sometimes struggled to break. I'm not making excuses for myself, just trying to provide some context. I feel like the last few years have been so tough (although definitely not all bad, we have had really happy moments) and now that we've started to see some real positive changes, I'm freaking out. I feel like I physically and mentally cannot go back to how things were now that I've seen how they can be so in a destructive way, I'm saving myself the heartache. I don't know.

I know it looks like my DH has suffered throughout our marriage and I'm not denying my issues have hurt him at times but also it hasn't always been like this. We were together for several happy years before our DC was born and we had a good relationship. I supported him financially and emotionally when he lost his job and rebuilt his career and I was happy to do so. We've always been a team. The PND knocked me for six and it's been an uphill climb since then. Where I find myself currently doesn't make sense to me yet but I'm hoping I can work on myself to be the best version of myself for my DC and my DH.

Sorry if there's some questions I've missed to answer. I'm trying to remember what everyone posted. Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to post though. It means a lot.