To say no to this holiday

[Rosebel]

We have been invited to go on holiday with in laws during October half term. This would be our only holiday as we can't afford a summer holidays and this would be split 3 ways and will be fairly cheap as we'd be renting a house near the beach from a friend of SIL.
I love going on holiday but I don't want to go to this one. DS is autistic (low functioning) and starting school in September. We have very high doubts he will cope at school and he certainly will not cope with a holiday straight after. He hates routine change, new places are will not sleep.
I have suggested to DH that one of us takes the older kids away with his family and the other one stay home with DS. He's not keen and wants all of us to go.
I (stupidly) mentioned my concerns to MIL who told me not to worry because DS might be less autistic by then. This just confirms my thoughts that the holiday will be a disaster.
AIBU to tell them we're not going?
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Oh dear, MIL seems to be a little out of touch with the term “Autistic”.
I think you’re absolutely right it could be a disaster. I would stick to my guns and tell DH that I shall stay home with our autistic child and he can go with the rest of the children and his family. This seems an entirely reasonable and sensible arrangement.
Hope things work out.

I absolutely wouldn't be going. You know your child and their needs, and if this holiday is likely to not meet those needs then you don't go. Prioritising other people's wants over your kid would be wrong and your husband sounds like a bit of a twat for wanting to do that really.

I've never been on holiday with family and it not be an endurance though.

I would just see how it goes with starting school, before finally deciding. Your in laws will just have to accept that although a holiday would be lovely, it’s just not worth the upheaval it will cause.

Or you could use it as something for your son to look forward to, especially if he finds school tough?

My DS is autistic but as long as its been clearly explained (where we are going, why etc...) to him he would see it as a good thing.

I think planning for that school holiday to be a chance to rebalance is the best.

he may be fine but you can’t be sure

The October half term is tricky. Season wise it can be a great time for a holiday but the terms on either side can be really long ones and smaller children can find themselves really exhausted. I'd trust your instincts on this.

All of you going just isn't going to happen. You'll get to half term and decide at the last minute that one of you needs to stay home with your ds.

How far away is it? Could your DH take the older ones for the full week and then if your ds is okay could you join them for the middle few days so he still gets some time at home but also can experience some of the holiday...and you can also?

Go with what you feel, I'd say.
There's no point in agreeing to a miseryfest to please others.

Of course YANBU.
In an ideal world it would be lovely to just have a little holiday, but you know that it's not that simple for your child/your family/you, and are thinking about the bigger picture.
Hopefully MIL will eventually begin to understand your DCs situation a bit better because it sounds like she has no idea right now!

"less autistic by then" you have to snort with laughter otherwise you'd cry.
No answer - but just to say you're a wonderful mum for all your kids, wanting what's best for them all.

Unless you can cancel say at a week or two's notice which may be possible, I would say no now.

I think you need to follow your instincts

What about asking your son if he’s like to go? And you can cancel last minute if you and your ds don’t go and dh takes the other kids. You can plan for it and then see how he is at the time. Then if he wants to go take two cars so you can come home early with him if needed.

send DH and the other DC. You know your DS best. doesn't sound like a good arrangement. Holidays are tricky for us too (both DC with SN) and DH is usually holidaying alone and I stay at home with the DC. It's the least stressful thing for everyone even though it's not awfully conventional. I wouldn't discuss it further with MIL. maybe nearer the time. Is there hope she will be less ignorant by half term? ;-)

I would never holiday together with someone who thought that between now and October half term my child would become less autistic. It’s a recipe for disaster. And it’s not about routine after starting school. This attitude is so wrong, it will affect every minute of the holiday.
I don’t know would I laugh or cry hearing this 🤷‍♀️

Same. She seems totally clueless and l bet has other pearls of “wisdom” about her grandson that are highly unhelpful

“Less autistic” could just be terrible phrasing.

on here many parents of autistic children often give reassurance to others about how their children became better able to interact/socialise/cope with demands etc as they get older…. As I said, terrible phrasing but to someone unfamiliar could that not be viewed as being “less autistic”?

certainly the DC with autisim in our family came on leaps and bounds after starting school because they thrived on the routine and liked the learning. It wasn’t plain sailing, and thia isn’t true for all children who are autistic, but my point is before everyone leaps on MIL could we consider she may not have meant it quite so literally?

Don’t go
not fair on you to have the stress and not fair on the others if your child ruins it for everyone else.
Let DH go with the others. Don’t waste your annual leave not enjoying yourself.

Could you decide closer to the time when you know how DS is adapting to school?

They know where they are going so the bedrooms will still be there. You’d just need to arrange your flights separately.

I can't ask DS, he's non verbal and literally wouldn't understand anyway.
I have a feeling the holiday would just be a disaster. You'd hope that my MIL would understand about autism after almost 3 years but she doesn't get it and thinks DS is naughty.
I'm going to tell DH he can go with the older kids and I will stay home with DS or no one goes. Hopefully he'll agree or I'll probably be accused of "issolating" him from his family (not by DH by MIL).

Whether you can cope with a week away with in laws is probably more pertinent than your dc being autistic!

Autism is such a spectrum that it's not a given they don't manage holidays etc. hence hard for others to given advice (my dd loved, obsessed even with hotels and en suite bathrooms, also star ratings, go figure!)

As for you mil saying "less autistic" whilst that is incorrect terminology, my dd did make huge leaps forward when she was 4, going from non verbal, "very autistic" to fully verbal, literate and numerate, able to cope in mainstream by the time she started school at 5 (wasn't in U.K. at that point). They are still autistic but their needs change as do coping skills. I never assumed that she couldn't do whatever she and we wanted

@ChannelyourinnerElsa

Exactly, you aren't "less autistic" but you can fit into life better. My dd is at university now, but i would not have believed that when she was a non verbal rocking 3 year old, we feared the worst.

I wouldn't even be considering it. As for the less autistic comment, I'm as autistic as I was when I was 4, sure I understand it more now but definitely not 'less autistic'. They need to learn to understand your child.

I think your suggestion for some of the family to have a break is the best in not amazing choices.

In regards to MIL I have seen this concept around autism. Sadly they believe it's a delay as opposed to, well to be honest not knowing what is likely.

However, I would like to give hope. I have seen extended family members eventually get it and become great advocates for our family member who had high demand autism.

Over the years they became a very trusted person who was accepted by the now young man. They found their groove, the garden.

Looking back we think a mix of ignorance and a lot of denial. I hope your family follows suit.