Men getting angry with sick wives

[OlympicProcrastinator]

This is a ‘thing’ isn’t it? My ex was like that. Getting cross and huffy if I was too unwell to do much around the house. I thought it was just him.

But over the years I’ve read of more and more women who get shouted at for being sick, or suddenly the man gets even more ‘ill’ whenever their wife becomes unwell.

What the hell is that all about?

I agree with the "broken appliance" theory but I also think men are not historically conditioned to nurture or care for others whereas women are. Men are largely programmed to look after their own interests, that's why they bail when their wives are sick. Women are programmed bioligically (child bearing and rearing) and societally to put others first, especially their families. Generalisation I know but still.

I've known one bloke like this. His poor wife became ill and had to have multiple major surgeries in a relatively short period of time. He kept shouting at her and was really impatient with her (she needed help to get to the loo post surgery). Eventually he just upped and left her. Luckily they don't have children together. Cunt.

It’s a behaviour associated with narcissism.

Yes, I had an ex who was like this. There's two incidents that stand out in my memory. One was my first night home from hospital, after having surgery, my wound started bleeding through the dressing in the night so I quietly got up and went into the bathroom to change it. Ex stormed in and said 'WTF are you doing? Why are you doing that? Leave it alone!! Go back to bed!' I told him I was doing what the doctor had advised which just made him angrier and we ended up having a blazing, completely pointless row for, as far as I could tell, no reason at all. Of course, it was my fault because it was the 'way' I went about it, whatever that means.

The second one was after my first Covid jab and I felt like I was dying. I told ex I had to go to bed and just lay there in the dark shivering, aching, head pounding and feeling like I was at death's door. Ex came in, switched the light on and demanded to know why I'd 'really' gone to bed. I explained and he responded that I'd been 'funny' with him all evening and I was punishing him. I was too weak to argue so just said 'ok' and shut my eyes. He then got into bed next to me and began one of his character assassinations while I pretended to be somewhere else. He refused to leave me alone to rest, turned over and went to sleep. It was awful.

In his case it wasn't about domestic duties or anything like that. He was extremely sensitive to rejection and would fly off the handle if he thought I was rejecting him in some way. He went on to repeatedly accuse me of cheating. Unbeknown to me at the time he was also stalking me. It was all quite sociopathic really. Thank fuck I don't have to put up with that shit anymore.

Just had an example of NAM. I have spent the day in bed, intending to get up about 5 and meet him at the shop. Lost track of time on here. He tried to ring me but my phone battery was flat. Suddenly the bedroom door was opened - he'd walked 3 miles, desperately worried, come up in his outdoor shoes in case he had to call an ambulance. And its not the only example of his concern. So at least one is OK!

Mine was angry the Xmas me and 1yo DS caught a sickness bug as we "ruined his Xmas'. Taking a seriously pukey 1yo to out of hours GP wasn't exactly top of my festive wish list funnily enough.

In his outdoor shoes?!

LTB

Tbh I’m practical… so if you are generally I’ll go to bed, take the meds. Do you need a gp well organise it.

I’ll bring you paracetamol and fluids of your choice in bed. I’ll drive you to gp. Just do not moan and do nothing to ensure you get better.

I will do whatever is needed in a more serious situation .

and if he doesn’t do the same , don’t bang your ass on the door knob on the way out

Yes I remember it well

I dint think they’re scared to do it. They don’t want to.

Thank Gofd didn’t marry one like this - know his lucky I am. FIL isn’t like this, neither is DF. Both in their 80s - both can cook and clean.

In my experience this is so true.

Hmmmm I am woman and hate my DH being ill and hate having to be nice and do all the chore stuff he does.

I mean, if you are used to being looked after it sucks !!!

I think it is more common in men, but it is probably a universal feature and this is a female dominated site

My ex husband would make the excuse that he was no good at looking after anyone.
I experienced this numerous times.
I had what turned out to be anaphylactic shock on holiday and I was vomiting, diarrhoea, my body was swelling and I was finding it hard to breathe. He said I was probably allergic to the washing powder on the hotel bedsheets so told me to sleep on the floor whilst he just went to sleep. It got so bad I begged him to call a doctor which he was very irritated about as it was the middle of the night. Eventually after much begging he did get a doctor but totally minimised the whole thing.
I fell off a horse and broke my wrist and fingers badly. It was displaced and needed surgery and he didn't visit me or come to collect me as he was working.
I had gastric flu and was left to fend for myself at home.
My back locked at the stables and I needed bed rest and diazepam but he still thought I should have got the shopping on my way home.
Worst though was when I got cancer. Not one word of comfort and on the day of my biggest surgery he did come with me but as I was dozing afterwards he read my notes on the end of my bed and made a nasty comment about my weight as recorded.
I found out a year later that he had started an affair just after I was first diagnosed. I think this was in part because I wasn't up to having sex with him and he foresaw a long period of me being ill which he just didn't fancy at all.

Mine is the opposite. He’s so caring, offers to get me anything I want, does all the childcare - even if it’s a self inflicted hangover!!

My ex is one. Married 20 years. He'd fly into a rage if I got sick or couldn't keep up. Dumped me while I was seriously ill in hospital and left.
I wasn't expected to survive. I did survive then he wanted to come back after he'd sent me divorce papers. I told him To get to fuck. He didn't get my house either.

@Gettingbysomehow Glad you're rid of him and that you kept your house. Can't believe the CF tried to come back!

No, that's really not the bigger question, as that's a question that's been asked and answered repeatedly on here. In case you missed it, to summarise. Adult man refuses to do his share of the chores. Woman is unable to force him and therefore has the choice of doing them herself, no one doing them, or leaving him and doing them herself. Many decide one is the least worst option, as the children have to be fed, the home kept hygienic, and his limited support as a second adult in the home and wage earner feels better than being a single parent.
The bigger question is always going to be why do men exploit the situation and treat a person they are supposed to love like a servant, and lack any empathy or care for her when she is ill. Because those are seriously poor traits that decent people wouldn't display to an enemy never mind a life partner.

My husband was largely apathetic to me when I had the flu a few months into our marriage. Couldn’t even get me a paracetamol or glass of water. Yet he was very caring when I got better so I didn’t say anything about his behaviour. Then he got sick and of course felt much worse than I did. And I treated him exactly how he treated me and each time he wanted some water or paracetamol I told him where it was and how he should help himself as he never helped me when I was ill, so why should he expect anything different? After this he was much more caring and helpful whenever I got ill and I of course was the same to him.

Fucking hell. I’m so sorry you endured that. I hope you are doing well and are happy now.

Good outcome @Monka .

How interesting that he was SO much worse than you when he was ill.
My DH currently has a cough and some nasal congestion…he isn’t complaining too much, but he’s doing sad eyes and needs lots of tea. I expect he’ll change into the Dressing Gown of Doom later. 😂

It's well known men are much more likely to leave a wife with cancer (divorce/separation rate of 20%) than women are men (divorce/separation rate of 2%)

www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/

Some men are just really really unpleasant.

I've NC for this as very outing.
I became very, very ill around a year into a serious relationship.
We didn't live together, although saw each other all the time, but he offered no care. Absolutely nothing. And I was incredibly sick. He came to hospital once, went out constantly with his mates, never asked about me.
I was probably hard work - I had bad news and needed emotional support - and he gave none. But I also kept most of what I was feeling, the fear, the horror, from him.
Eventually he blindside dumped me - I still don't know why (but I can guess!).
I think it was too overwhelming for him to be in a caregiver role and he wanted fun. It broke my heart though, although probably better to find out sooner. I think he also realised this wasn't an illness which was going away soon, and he didn't want that. Maybe if he had loved me more he would've, but I actually don't think it would've made a difference.

Mine is one of these. I have several conditions that fluctuate a lot. When I'm so ill that I'm bedbound he doesn't come near me, not even to offer me a glass of water. Any food has to be begged for. He didn't even change my bedding when I was so ill I was bedbound for nine months. When I'm in a better phase where I can do things myself suddenly he will bring me cups of tea, cook roast dinners, offer to wash my pj's, etc. It actually is quite bizarre at times. That nine months was the catalyst for me trying to find a way to leave, his anger/shouting was really frightening and I just wanted to die to get away from him.

My mum had parkinsons which eventually brought on dementia. My dad looked after her until her dying moment.

However, he was told by many nurses and carers how wonderful he was to be so helpful and loving towards mum and she was obviously well cared for because so many men left their sick wives. Its so heart breaking!

Don't be ridiculous but it is our fault we put up with crap behaviour, it is our fault that we start playing the housekeeper or the P.A Women are our own worst enemy at times, we think it will be alright when we get married or move in together, that the crap behaviour will change because we share an electricity bill.
Men are to blame for their shit behaviour but we fools for putting up with it, for making excuses instead of walking away.