I know IABU - gender disappointment

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

I have a 1yo son, and have just found out that I am now pregnant with a girl.

I had somehow imagined that this pregnancy would be a boy too, and being so close in age they would be able to play together, share clothes/toys/bedroom.

I also adore my son so much and really just want another one of him! Which I know is totally unreasonable.

I am grateful to be pregnant with a healthy child and am sure I will love this one just as much. Tbh I worry more about parenting a girl, life is trickier in many ways in my experience.

Does anyone have any good points of a boy/girl close in age?

I have a dd and ds 2 years between them. They’re the best of friends. play together constantly and incessantly chat. I often say I feel like I’m the 3rd wheel or at a party where no one will talk or listen to me 😂

They previously shared a room. They’re 6&8 now and we separated them to try to tackle early morning but I know 2 sets of boy girl siblings that only stopped sharing when eldest was 11/12 and going to high school. The younger sibling still goes back for regular sleepovers and chats 💕

i have 2 dds and one ds and I love my ds to the moon and back. He’s so cuddly and loving. DDs are so much fun to chat to and do girly things with. I feel so lucky to have a both. I’m sure you will too x

I think there’s definitely two types of gender disappointment. One is where someone knows they obviously have a finite number of children and won’t get to experience one sex and feel a sense of grief over the child they won’t have. I get this, especially as it’s often mixed in with bereavement and loss.

But I don’t understand at all whining because you have a boy and a girl and wanted two boys or two girls. I know that’s harsh but it comes across as so spoilt and indulgent and feet stampy. And the fact it’s about two boys and not two girls doesn’t make it any less so.

Just seen you were wondering about room sharing - we had enough space for the kids to have a room each but I would not have seen it as a problem for them to share a room - I suppose the cut off point us when they really do not want anymore (and there is the space to move them to a seperate badroom).
Certainly when mine were small they quite frequently stayed in each others rooms (most children don't like to sleep alone) and there never was much of an issue when we were away and there was not enough space for everyone to have their own room.

Its interesting what people want.

My cousin had two boys, and became pregnant for a third time. She was hoping and praying for a girl. But she had another boy. She can't have any more babies for health reasons

I can see how it can be disappointing in some instances.

I would prefer to have a girl personally. But I'd love a boy too

Yes, of course he will. And if the OP had 2 boys, they naturally would 'play/share toys together'.

Such a bucolic life have you imagined; yet siblings, as very well evidenced from this site, are often rivals rather then happy. They don't necessarily like each other. You cannot force them to be besties, or smiling, advert type children.

But if the thought of such fairy-tale childhoods gets you through the day, then whoohoo for you. Wait until reality bites

I think that’s where a lot of second child gender disappointment comes from, not because you don’t want the opposite sex but because you just want a copy of your first child as you love them so much.

Yes... I think you might be right, because it's so easy to base expectations on what you know (and love)! I fell victim to "carbon copy thinking" and was convinced that my boys would be carbon copies of each other and was so wrong (different personalities/needs, different looks, but both wonderful in their own unique way).

Alongside my two boys I now have a newborn baby girl and feel much wiser about expectations (and the need for lack of)!

You lucky thing, one of each! (That sounds really patronising, but I promise it's not). They'll grow up close no matter the gender. Toys aren't, and don't have to be, gender specific. Clothes can be unisex, rooms can be shared. They'll have their own sibling bond. They don't have to have the same gender to get on and play together. ❤

On a more personal note I have 3 boys and when I tell you I sobbed until I was dry that my third was a boy... always wanted to experience having one of each. I grew up wanting 3 children (2 boys and a girl) and it didn't happen. The disappointment I had was next level.

Knowing full well I wouldn't physically be able/want to carry another child, I knew I'd never get the opportunity. I just wanted the chance to prove to myself that mother/daughter relationships could be good. I wanted to give to a little girl what my mum never gave to me. I was, and still am, heartbroken that I'll never get that but I wouldn't change any of my boys for the world if you asked me.

Gender disappointment comes in all forms, and is completely normal if you ask me.

Awww such a sad way to see life. Why be positive and spread this to your children when you can have such a negative, sour view of the world and spread that instead? Good for you hun

Thank you, you are totally right! I am so sorry how you must have felt initially, I really get it now! I bet they are wonderful boys xx

I also had a difficult relationship with my own mother, and am a bit nervous (but motivated) about how to do it right now that I will be having a daughter of my own.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it is so lovely to be able to say it on Mumsnet (I wouldn’t in real life!)

You’re right!

I look at my little boy and think I would just love to have 5 of him (not practical!) but of course they will all be their own individual people.

Until they were about ten. They had bunk beds and used to have a little chat before going to sleep.

They truly are my world, and they are such characters. They are all SO different too. For the most part there are things they'll do together, but they all each have their own 'thing'. They have played together and played apart. They get on like best mates, but argue and nitpick at each other and that will happen no matter the gender!

Having said that, I don't feel like I've missed out on any part of motherhood through just having boys, I just feel like I've missed the opportunity of having and experiencing a positive mother/daughter relationship. Everything else is, by and large, the same! I'm sure you are a wonderful mum to your little boy, and will be a wonderful mum to your little girl. Relationships are hard! x

There's 18m between my brother and me and we played together fine and shared a bedroom until we were about 5/6 .
A lot of clothes were unisex in the 80s so he did wear a lot of my clothes too.

Same here. Wouldnt have it any other way.

I felt this too, but having a daughter has been great for my son. There is less comparison, they play together and share a room (3.5 and 1.5)

You have one of each- I would say (going by what I read here) that you are lucky in that respect. People normally moan when they don’t! YANBU to have a little disappointment but I guarantee you won’t be once that bubba is born.

“I also worry about having to parent a girl through puberty/teenage/relationships/body image, as my own mum avoided discussing these entirely.”
So did mine OP, my period was a shocker! 🤣Be the change! lol DD follows me everywhere so she’s known about periods for some years (she’s 8) pointless hiding it, it’s not scary it’s a bodily function. She takes no notice anymore. She’s seen me and DH naked, so nothing is a shock to her. She actually hasn’t asked much at all. Yet!

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy.

OP I have 2 boys (17 months apart) and girl and the girl (eldest) and youngest boy get on the best. They really get such enjoyment out of each other. The two boys do get along but honestly I can see that it is the personality and not the sex that makes siblings close.

Re parenting a girl, my parents were very shy about body stuff and were not open. I am very open with my children. If you are open and available to chat whenever they need and explain the physical stuff in child appropriate ways throughout their life, there is no need for the big chat and associated awkwardness

My parents were very complimentary of me growing up, always believed in me and that I could achieve things. I am very confident now, I only realized about 2 years ago that their unwavering belief in me resulted in my having very little self doubt!

Yes I was totally terrified what was going on when I had my first period. I felt so awkward when I had to tell my mum and it was like that will all sort of “girl things” growing up. So I probably have some hang ups!

That sounds ideal! I hope mine can be like that too :)

While I love having a brother.

I have often wished that I had a sister as well.

Just to chime in that me (female!) and my older DB have always been really close - maybe not sharing clothes, but we very much played with the same toys, shared a room on holiday etc for many years!

I know it's a big change if you've been imaging another DS but there's every chance they'll be just as close

My two boys don’t play nicely much, they fight and argue. I often wonder what it would be like to only have one, or one of each.

Be glad if you get 2 happy healthy kids! They may get on/not get on regardless of gender?
My girls are the most ungirly girls and fight like cat and dog some days one preferred boys as playmates to girls when they were little.
One also announced she was none binary a couple of years ago (grew out of it)
Just making the point they're just people don't get hung up on gender - just be happy they're there. Good luck.xx

My 2 are 2.5 years apart DS then Dd. They shared from when Dd was nearly 2 until DS was 7 so 3 years. I would have put them in together earlier but we were travelling.

You’re absolutely right!