To be uncomfortable with this interaction?

[PinkCardigan93]

I work with lots of men for long hours and have developed some good friendships in my team. Strictly workplace friendships - I don't see or communicate outside of work, but we get on well.

One particular male colleague is 20 years + (I'm early thirties, he's in his fifties) and we often have banter and I would say we have a good friendship.

Today, this particular colleague and I had to share a car journey for a site visit...and he asked me to go out on a date with him! I was genuinely shocked and told him that would not ever happen.

He is 1) in a long term relationship and 2) a much older man than me, with a son my age.

I feel so uncomfortable that he seems to think that was even a possibility and it's made me rethink all of my own behaviour around him. I've always been friendly - as I am to everyone - but this has made me feel very awkward around him and I'm going to be honest, this meant I avoided him for the rest of the day.

I can't help but feel he is a bit pervy and it's creeped me out. AIBU?

Agree, this is uncomfortable. You have a work relationship, and he has used it it / seen it as an opportunity for a sdcual relationship. An affair even.

Well he's scum. Hitting on a much younger colleague when he's in a relationship. Added to that it's a work trip, bleugh what a wanker.

The age thing wouldn’t bother he do much, more that he was already in a long term relationship. Also, he asked you in the confines of a car, so you were effectively trapped, although may be felt comfortable away from the office.

I would avoid him also although going forward, you’ll have to act civilly and professionally, and cool the friendliness a bit.

He took your friendliness as an opportunity to cheat on his partner. Your relationship will likely be very different going forward. I’d feel extremely creeped out knowing what’s on his mind! Although sadly, I’m not surprised, this happens too often.

What a wanker

19% think YABU!!!! Why?! Care to explain?

He’s a creep- YANBU.
Completely unprofessional.

Give the guy a break. No one knows the exact status of his current relationship. He obviously really likes your friendship and sees potential in more. He’s put it out there, you’ve knocked him back. The end. Sheesh!

Yuck yuck yuck.

Unfortunately this behaviour is fairly common in workplaces - as much as I like to treat human beings equally, sometimes boundaries can be appropriate.

Of course you've done nothing wrong.

But often in this situation the bloke will twist things to say you've been leading him on or an equal participant and there was something there.

Some men are very delusional and entitled and obsessive

(especially with a woman they perceive to be of value - younger and physically attractive and they see you as prey.

Also, they know that in any gossip situation many people will side with the man and attack the woman).

I hope this blows over, but please watch yourself going forward.

Maybe have a clear paper trail or send an e-mail to yourself with a log of what happened.

Keep your distance as this type can turn nasty if rejected (start telling their partner It was you trying to seduce him or something).

In my 40’s I’ve given up on friendships with men.
99% of them try to hit on you at some point.

Unprofessional and an abuse of the power dynamic. Make sure he knows how unacceptable you found it and say you won’t hesitate to go to HR next time.

The problem is, especially with men of that generation, they don’t see women as human beings and porn addles their brains even more. They think any friendly women is just gagging for it and can’t resist them. Ugh. Perv. What a shame for his partner.

What an utter entitled prick.

This annoys me just as much as people who assume a male and female must be more than friends!

Hopefully he now feels like a complete idiot!

Yet another man thinks a woman who is friendly must be fair game 🙄

Are you the guy

Er, no. Whereas this —might— just about be acceptable in a social or hobby group outside of work, particularly if the bloke was single, it is totally inappropriate in a professional setting, precisely for the reasons that op has demonstrated eg it has now made it awkward for them to work together when they need to do just that.

I think it’s disgusting, not surprised though.

To the poster who said it’s abuse of the power dynamic, how do you know that OP isn’t his boss?!

Don't change your behaviour OP.

He's a scumbag hitting on you.

There's always one man that has to spoil it for Women.

I'd be bloody angry at him, don't shy away from him as if you've done anything wrong.

Oh give over.

This was a creepy old man, already in a relationship, who fancied a bit on the side.

As I said - an utter entitled prick.

In your position as a much younger woman I would speak to your manager and say that I didn't want to share lifts with him anymore and I would say why. it's disgraceful but he thought you would have an affair with somebody who was in a relationship and he put you in a position where you couldn't get away when he asked you.

It's unforgivable.

Power dynamic? There's nothing that says this.

I think people are overthinking and jumping to conclusions. He's in the wrong as he's not even single but he's got rejected, nothing more to it really.

My heart isn’t bleeding for him. He asked her despite having her not reciprocating the feelings, the age gap, and they were at work - she in a confined situation. He did not give a shit or a thought in his head about how realistic his ‘putting it out there’ was, nor how uncomfortable she might be if it didn’t land well. Didn’t enter his entitled head at all. Male privelege and arrogance right there.

This type often knows exactly how uncomfortable they're making the person they're targeting....they essentially want to create some "dirty little secret" between them.

Friends care for each others wellbeing.

This man is not a friend, he would ruin a younger womans life given the chance.

It's manipulation and grooming....they know the target feels guilty if they've been "friends".

As then the other party feels like they're partially responsible.

(I'm physically attractive for my age, and I could probably manipulate the fuck out of some 20 year olds ...it would be a complete abuse of power.

I would also avoid close "friendships" with them as I'm not sure what anyone would get out of it!)

I was at a particularly shit work location a few years ago (essentially has a really bad reputation for the creepy guys).

There's a liftshare system to get to the site.

I discovered a viable public transport route #helpful.

The creepy guys there were furious I was using this and tried to stop me telling anyone...they liked women stuck in their cars so they could cross boundaries and start weird sleazy conversations in private.

Op writes he is in a long term relationship but you understand no one knows the status. 🙄

Typical man

Don't feel embarrassed or change your behaviour. You did nothing wrong.

OK this is a teachable moment for the men in the cheap seats.

You know how you all say 'you can't even TALK to women' to yourselves to make yourselves feel better, think of it as a points system, like sportball.

You need to look at plus and minus points. If you hit plus, there's a possibility you should go ahead and try to ask a women out:

You're much older than her -1
You're not terribly attractive socially -1
As above physically -1
You're at work -1
You've ever been called creepy or weird by people -5
You've used any of these phrases: bantz, females (about human women), girls (about, you get it), most girls, you're not like other girls, bitches in any non-dog context, just anything misogynistic -1 each
You think any of 'those' men 'have a point' [Jordan, Andrew, other Andrew] -10 each
You have no female friends -10
You're her boss -10
You're in a relationship -100
She's cornered somewhere (car, next to the window in a train) -1000

You look like Ryan [insert surname of choice; Gosling, Reynolds, whomever] +1
You are as charming as one of the Ryan's in something +1
You're at a social event +1
She's flicked her hair, laughed while making eye contact, touched your arm, done the half-smiling thing +1 for each
She's intimated she'd like to see you outside work +1

Try to work out, and I know this is inventive, whether she fancies you. Not just if you fancy her. I know! Revolutionary. And if you asked and she looks a bit unhappy and says 'umm' don't turn into a toxic, psychotic weirdo.

This man doesn't need a break, he needs to read the room.