How "fair" do things have to be between siblings?

[fresherprincess]

Something a friend said is bugging me a bit.
Both DD and DS are at private school. DD stayed there to do her A levels, because the learning style suits her and they are the only school locally to offer one of the A levels she's about to sit. DS is pretty certain he's going to leave after GCSEs and go to the excellent local college.
My friend suggested that DS might feel aggrieved that we've spent so much more money on DD (about £45k) and suggested we put it aside for him to use later (for instance as a house deposit.)
I've always believed that unless there's dreadful inequality you just pay what's needed for each child. DS might do medicine- he'll need supporting for a lot longer at university but I wouldn't expect this to annoy DD.

Am I setting myself up for strife in later years? DS knows he could go privately for A levels and is just choosing not to...

Your friend needs to mind her own business... Perfectly fine to not 'spend' the same to be fair....

I think you’re fine. You’ve given him the choice and like you say, if your daughter does a 3 year course then you’ll probably end up funding him more later down the line. It’s fair.

Why don’t you speak to DS and see how he feels?

I don't want to put the idea in his head if it isn't already there...

The fairness here isn't the financial aspect, it's providing the option and support for both to do what they choose, which it sounds like is what you're doing.

I think it is fine.

If you give him £45k your DD might complain she would rather have had the money had you given her the choice ....

We spend on education (tutoring) and medical according to need. If one ends up with more spent on them, then so be it.

If you're giving the same opportunities/options in terms of schooling to both and they're making their own decision then it's fair. If your dd at private has access to school trips/ extra curricular that your ds doesn't at college then I'd make sure that was evened out.

Fairness doesn’t mean everyone gets the exact same thing, that would be the opposite of fair!

Good point about the other things.... I've just thought of the thousands spent on DS's cricket and rugby since age 5- bats, kit, tours, club memberships, coaching, more tours.... DD did long distance running which was very economical!

Mine just get what they need within our budget. I don’t think it’s an issue.

I'm the eldest of 4

My parents have always given according to need not fairness
Which has meant that as I have a good job and a high earning DH, I have "missed out" on a fair chunk of cash

Which I am absolutely fine with!

My siblings do not have spouses and have varying degrees of financial and health success - they need more help to live a decent life. I love them and want that for them

I will inherit a share of a house shortly and have already agreed with my next sibling that our shares should sit with the 3rd so he can live there

I can see in other situations where feelings could be hurt - so maybe it's worth a discussion at some point with everyone present just so everyone is on the same page?

Your are providing the resources and the support for both.

one is making a choice that means th resources aren’t needed for now that doesn’t mean he is getting less than the other it just means you’re tailoring things to what each need.

You say yourself he may go on to do something that will need financial support later so nobody is getting cut off your just being flexible

I think this is fine as it's DS's choice.

Feeling better already. Just had a wobble. My younger half sister was massively favoured by my mum (eg she got a £25k house deposit when I was working 3 jobs to fund a phd... I was told I'd get the same when I wanted to buy a house but obviously never did)

Your friend is talking shite. Being equal and fair is making sure everyone gets to do whatever suits them and not forcing everyone to be the same. It's making sure your son gets to study in the environment best suited to him. Obviously completely different if your son wanted to go to the private school and you refused to pay for him but that doesn't seem to be the case. I hate this tit for tat childish attitude. You see it for example where people might begrudge a parent having done childcare for another grandchild and look for the same despite the grandparent being many years older now and possibly with their health not what it was.

Your friend is being silly. Both your children have the same choices and no one knows what paths their lives will take and how they might be supported at different periods.....

Does she stick a fiver in the pot for her child you has a cheaper meal at the pub?
I imagine she might not actually have children.

I would just try to be really sure that he is choosing college for genuine reasons, not secretly eg trying to save you money, or because he's heard that it's easier to get into medical school from a state school. (I don't have figures to hand but surely much more than 7% of medical students still come from private schools.)

Giving him the lump sum would be silly but I would make sure he has all the access to things like trips and tutors, should he need them.

They both had the same opportunity to stay at the private school for. A-levels.

However, you could argue it’s unfair on dc1 if you didn’t give her the choice of private six form , or college/money.

No, you are not setting yourself up for strife.

Your friend is being ridiculous. If you told your DS he couldn't stay on that would be different. But it would be much more unfair to present your DS £45k for a house deposit and not your DD! Surely her argument then would be 'but I was never given an option to take the money! I would have done that'

I think at this stage you are being fair. DS could have stayed on but chose to go elsewhere.

Later in life would be different.

All 3 of my children went to different schools/colleges based on their academic needs, interests and personalities. Some were state and some were private. No problem. They each got what was best suited to them.

Your friend needs to jog on ........

I find it odd when parents do something like putting one child through private primary and the other not, unless there is significant reason to do so like SEN or something. But in your situation it sounds like they both had access to private senior and your son is choosing not to take it. That’s fine!

It’s not as if you’ve said to your DS “sorry nothing left for you now you’ll have to look elsewhere”. It’s his choice and it sounds like you’ve supported them both very well. If he’s doing medicine at university I’m sure it will all even itself out anyway. I’d ignore your friend it’s nothing to do with her.

If he chooses to leave private education then it's fine obviously. Your friend is silly.

It would be different if you'd refused to pay for him, but paid for DD.

My son was not academic and no desire to do A levels. He left private education and got a vocational qualification at a state college after GCSEs. My DD is highly academic and went to an even more expensive school than the one they were in together.
Does he resent the almost £50k more spent on her? I don't think it's even crossed his mind. He's proud she's done so well.