How "fair" do things have to be between siblings?

[fresherprincess]

Something a friend said is bugging me a bit.
Both DD and DS are at private school. DD stayed there to do her A levels, because the learning style suits her and they are the only school locally to offer one of the A levels she's about to sit. DS is pretty certain he's going to leave after GCSEs and go to the excellent local college.
My friend suggested that DS might feel aggrieved that we've spent so much more money on DD (about £45k) and suggested we put it aside for him to use later (for instance as a house deposit.)
I've always believed that unless there's dreadful inequality you just pay what's needed for each child. DS might do medicine- he'll need supporting for a lot longer at university but I wouldn't expect this to annoy DD.

Am I setting myself up for strife in later years? DS knows he could go privately for A levels and is just choosing not to...

We live in a grammar school area and it’s honestly pretty common for the high achieving siblings to go there and the less academic ones ( sometimes but not always with SEN) to go to the non selective privates. I know some people on here have commented that that’s unfair but tbh I don’t see it causing issues in those families.

I’m a twin. My brother and I were at private school and he chose to do his a levels a state school. He jokingly asked if he would get the fee money instead and was told no, shrugged and went to the state school anyway as it was what he wanted.

Years down the line he’s had more financial help than me and I get more childcare. Doesn’t have to be completely the same!

Your friend is a stirrer.

Fairness and equality don't mean treating people EXACTLY the same. She seems to have missed the point a bit.

He's been treated fairly as he has been given the same opportunity and choices. Wouldn't it have been unfair to force him down a path that's not suitable for him?

Even with the best will from parents, things can end up unequal in other ways.

Take tuition fees. My eldest siblings had bursaries. My sister had 1k fees. Then I had 3k fees. Due to a gap in my dad's employment I got a random bursary one year.

None of my siblings are paying student loans.

Well you've been "fair". Or rather offered equality which is much better.

They can both make the choice to have 6th form independent education.

The house deposit option should have been offered as an equal option to both to make an informed decision if that was the route you were going down. That would be equality and fairness.

I'd just check in with ds nearer the time that he's 100% sure he doesn't want to take the private option. If he says "no thanks" then move on!

As long as he can stay in private if he chooses, but chooses not to then it’s fair.

They both have the same opportunities. He has decided to not take that up. He doesn’t need to be financially compensated later on.

If you follow your friends thinking your oldest could then be annoyed that she wasn’t given a choice of staying on in private or having 45k later on. She wasn’t given the same options as him.

My brother got private 6th form and I didn't because the money ran out. It honestly didn't occur to me to care until just now, and now it has occurred to me I still don't care!

I tell mine that fair is that they both get nowt, so they are both doing considerably better than fair! They are lucky that they both get what they need when they need it (eldest is only 12 though). If they get cash handouts as adults they will probably be given equally but anything could happen between now and then to make us change that policy.

Each of your children is getting the 6th form education they chose. You don't need to even anything up.

I have a mumsnet child, who only drinks water. I have a normal child who loves a Slushie or a fruit juice. I had to develop a fairness policy very early! If everyone gets the thing of their choice, no levelling of playing field is needed.

It’s not about the money but about the listening and the opportunity.

My DS wants to go to a great, fairly local, state 6th form, and leave his private school. He’s asked for this because he’s fed up of friends being scattered around two counties and not having an after-school social life - he’s ASD and just beginning to build up social confidence and has made friends through school trips this year. The 6th form he’s chosen is one of the best in the country and at least 5 people he knows - including two very close friends - will be going.

He could care less that we’re ‘saving’ two years money (mum n dad delighted though, and planning some couple’s trips as we’ll finally have some spare cash 🤣). What he cares about is being heard, being trusted enough to make this decision, and knowing we will support him even if it goes wrong. Just as we have his DSis/our DD. That’s what being ‘fair’ or even handed between siblings is.