To ask how to stop this house renovation ruining my relationship?

[Renovationnightmare01]

We bought a fixer upper and DH started to get cold feet before exchange as he was worried about the state of it and work involved (small budget). I basically convinced him to push ahead and we bought it.

Now there is just issue after issue and I can feel the resentment coming from him. In hindsight he was right and we should have pulled out of the purchase.

It's really affecting our relationship and I'm worried. How do we get past this?

Could you sell?

I can sort of see where he is coming from. Dh was very keen to purchase our current house. Its very livable but lots of work to be done which seems to be falling to me to organize as Dh would happily live in it the way it is.

I started feeling resentful last year and totally overwhelmed by the amount of work and the cost.

It is helping me to draw up a list of jobs in order of priority and work from there. It makes it feel more manageable. I think you need an honest discussion and an acknowledgment of the amount of work to be done.

Its hard to remain resentful towards a person who admits the mistake :)

I’d start by saying sorry and admitting that you know he was right.
However, you’ve bought this place and presumably don’t want to sell straight away. So maybe sitting together and looking at what you want the end goal to be. What’s the vision for the house? Can you try to get back on the same page and see what a great opportunity this is rather than focusing on the difficulties? I know it’s hard, but just trying to get you both focused on the same end goal may help to work through the difficult parts.

I think silence is the killer - talk to each other.

We felt very in control when we bought ours, loads of time, a solid plan and plenty in the budget...nope! Double the time and budget now and still only 50% done 🤦‍♀️ its definitely affected our relationship and was quite depressing last year when constant rain kept delaying. As a PP said, we got back on the same page and its ok at the moment.

Well, you own it now, and he agreed. Presumably you didn’t torture or blackmail him into the purchase. He needs to stop glowering and deal with the consequences of your joint decision. ‘You made me do it, so I’m going to resent you forever’ isn’t an adult behaviour.

The silence was well and truly broken today. He doesn't want to put anymore money into the house as he wants to get his finances in order because he's so unhappy and as potentially we may break up!

He says I've ruined his dream of owning a home, he is miserable and that I am selfish. He says he can't believe I've done this to us. We're not in a position to sell as we've only recently bought it and I just don't know how to fix it.

I'm so so worried and upset

Having a plan is a good idea
Also celebrating the progress - however slow. Make a point of recognising what you have managed to do

Equally as others have said - have a chat, clear the air, plan the way forward and remember you are a long time dead. You made a change did something that many think about but don’t have the balls to do it. If you hadn’t done it you would always be wondering ‘what if’

Personally when I get peed off I blame George Clarke, Escape to the country, Homes under the hammer - they all lie it takes longer and more money to do what we are doing

I'm not sure he even wants to carry on although we don't have much choice.

I never really get these topics

is the roof falling off - if it is sort that

do the windows and doors let the rain in?

inside, and yes for years we have had a clean property inside, but nothing has ever matched, carpets have been removed and floors painted, I was extremely proud of a rug I made once, it was a hessian sack, and bits of material all cut into the same sizes were pulled thru using a crochet hook - it was free!

Too me, if a house is warm, clean and dry, and you love each other and you love your children, you have your health, nothing else really matters that much.

Oh go to him and try to have a hug without any words of retribution.
Ask him if you both can pull together and work it out. Surely the relationship is more important?

Eh you are not solely responsible for this. We bought a doer upper and spent 5 years doing it bit by bit. The house was a steal and we put time and effort to get it into a family home. People do that, people make choices. You OH went along with it, regrets or no, he made a choice. He needs to put on his big boy breeches and take responsibility for that choice. Stuff goes wrong, that is life.

I think at this point, I would be saying yes to much[or all] of what he suggests[not the breaking up part].

It is possible he is wiser than you about the house and finances.

So now that he's had his pity party, he needs to pull his socks up and get on with it. You can't sell at the moment as the market is low, however as long as it is fit for habitation, just take some time off and do some nice things.

Then dust yourselves off and crack on. It isn't the best situation, but you are where you are. A little humble pie won't go amiss, but he needs to get his thumb out of his mouth and move on.

Oh good lord, tell him to grow up 🙄

He’s planning on divorcing you because of a few weeks/months renovating a house? Yes, it’s hard and shit at times but it’s also massively rewarding when you start getting little bits finished. He agreed to buy it ultimately so the blame game won’t help anything.

You need to get an estate agent to value it in its current state and what’s it’s likely to be worth after the renovations. Then you will know where you both stand financially which will help you make a decision.

Take a deep breath. Can you cook and clean yourself in the property, and is it secure? The list of jobs and desirables in a house is infinite. But as long as the basics are covered that's what counts. In the short term at least. Can you enjoy living there. Make some time for the pair of you. I've been stuck doing a project for what feels like ever. And it's really one that could have been avoided. Total self-sabotage!

Yes I have said this although we will need to spend a little bit more to make it presentable.

Yes, bathroom is fine and would be near the bottom of the list so not even thinking about it. Kitchen is grubby but functional.

Hopefully we can spend some time together and forget about the house for a bit and maybe try and reconnect a bit.

I suspect the cold feet was more about tying himself to you long term rather than a fixer upper. I think he would be kicking off about something else even in a new build.

Try and sit down together and make a plan of what jobs definitely need doing before selling and a timeframe. Maybe once he sees a light at the end of the dark tunnel it might help with your relationship too.

Sorry OP, he doesn't sound supportive, reliable or trustworthy which a long term partner should be. Maybe you should also be rethinking things especially if you were planning on having children too.

If it's liveable with although you'd like it to be more presentable - it sounds like none of the work is super urgent.
take a break from DIY and renovations. live with it as it is for a bit.

When I bought my current flat, it was liveable with, but tiny rooms, it had been rented out to multiple students, so the decor was shit - I put up with it for about a year til finances were straight, then moved out and had the work done. I was fortunate that it was just me, so no one to argue with, and a friend let me use a flat above his shop very cheaply, but the work took about three times longer than it should have done🙄

DH and I are building a house together, it's very stressful at times and your entire life revolves around it for the duration. The only reason we are coping and coming through sanity intact is because we were both in love with the project and are both equally motivated. I can't imagine going through it at sometime else's behest.

Unless this is a modest project, as in mostly cosmetic and you can go at it a bit at a time not biting off more than you can chew...

Then I think you need to pause, admit it was an error of judgement to dive right in and see if you can identify an exit strategy that you can make work.

The fact you pushed for this was naive but you didn't intentionally railroad him (I hope). It is very easy to underestimate what you're taking on if you don't do your homework and go into it with your eyes wide open.
Apologise, for the naiveté and uninformed enthusiasm.

Maybe you were selfish if you weren't listening to him and overrode him, but if that wasn't a calculated act, then it's the kind of thing you do when you've got tunnel vision and are making decisions too fast. So maybe if you can accept the part you've played in getting you in over your (joint) heads then maybe you can salvage something.

But if this is way more than he ever wanted or is able to cope with then it has essentially hijacked his life until he/you can get free from the situation.

I would put the brakes on work.
Get some decent advice on how all the options from selling now to slowly chipping away, to doing a minimum and seeking in 18 months would work... And work out your best plan.

The relationship will either survive or it won't, but an apology is a start.

I think he’s being very unfair laying all the blame at your door. If he really didn’t want to go ahead he could have put his foot down. It’s very convenient to blame it all on you. How was your relationship before this OP? Have you been together long?

Just came across this. I have never had as many arguments with my partner as when we were doing our extension. It was super stressful, took way longer than expected and we were totally broke after (and broken) but once we started we had no choice but to finish - I didn’t want to do it and he did. I still regret it even though we finish and it looks fab. Our relationship is fine now but I still have resent from time to time on the time and money we spent (we are not going to make it back right now if we sold it).

Why don’t you try and put it back on the market? Or just fix some of the priority items - sometimes even a good coat of paint will make the house more presentable and add value

We've been together 6 years and married for 3. We have a 2 year old.

Relationship was OK but we were living in a rented flat that I absolutely despised. I think that contributed to the tunnel vision with this house.

I certainly didn't intentionally railroad him into it but looking back I didn't listen either. I fully admitted my mistake and apologised.

Maybe a break from it all and just live in it for a bit will do us good.

Make a promise to each other to ignore anything house related for two weeks. Go for meals, rest and take your mind off.

This. I'm not thrilled with his reaction to be honest, so very very ready to blame every last bit on you 🫤 smacks of having fuck all respect for you