To ask how to stop this house renovation ruining my relationship?

[Renovationnightmare01]

We bought a fixer upper and DH started to get cold feet before exchange as he was worried about the state of it and work involved (small budget). I basically convinced him to push ahead and we bought it.

Now there is just issue after issue and I can feel the resentment coming from him. In hindsight he was right and we should have pulled out of the purchase.

It's really affecting our relationship and I'm worried. How do we get past this?

This is all too much honestly. I've just finished work and I'm sitting in a Costa because I don't want to go home 😰

What are the works op? Do you have a list?

He sounds overwhelmed with it
realistically was it him who’s left to do the majority of renovations

we bought a complete shithole that had been empty for years
one coat gloss and cheap white emulsion tidy it no end makes it liveable

even just painting the walls in kitchen will make it t look better

The thing to do here is say look, I'm so sorry I know that you were right and this was a mistake. I wish we were not where we are but we are here. Then say I know the house is a state and it's going to take alot to get it right but house prices are dropping atm and if we sell now we will make a loss.

Tell him that any money spent on the re-furb is stored money. It will see a return upon the sale and it will still most likely make a decent return.

Are there any major structural defects?
What work still needs doing?

You know this happened with DH and I during our renovation, it's such hard work, its so stressful and you have to make so many decisions and feels financially just huge.

We both had 'WTF have we done' moments.

The best thing we did was

1. get away from it for a bit to remember that we liked each other and it was just a fucking house and get some perspective. Just out for a pizza and a glass of wine.

2. We both put together a list of what was left to be done and what our priorities were - and tried to compromise on it so we were prioritising the same thing.

3. My DH (because he's better at Excel) put a spreadsheet together of what we'd spent, how much we had left, and how much more we had to spend.

That meant we were on the same page - it could have been relationship ending - but neither of us wanted that because at the end of the day - if we had to live with the manky bathroom for a bit because the money had gone on a new circuit board - that was that really.

I think he is overwhelmed yes, walls we thought were fine are really not and need knocking back and under the suspended floor there's pools of water.

We've decided to get the water looked at all, sort gutters, get the living room walls sorted and then stop for now other than getting some paint up.

We were going to get a big kitchen diner but we're stopping and then seeing how we feel about it. And each other I guess.

Plastering in bedrooms has just been finished so at least we should be able to make them nice.

Hallway getting completely left as well and that's a bit of state.

Back to the awful treatment today. He's saying he'd rather the bank just took it back than live there. He can't trust my decision making and its made him question if I'm the person he thought I was as I've been so irresponsible and ruined home ownership for him.

Tell him he needs to grow up. You're in it now. You can plan to get out of it, but if this is his response to something that is not really serious, heaven help you when something serious comes along (I hope it never does).

Hmmm. The ruining his dream thing worries me a bit. What was his dream - a fabulous turn-key ready property for £0.50? Choices are unfortunately constrained by circumstances and feasibility. Only you know if what he wanted was something that was actually attainable or whether he resents you for trying to bring the dream into real life with all the messiness and complications that involves.

Have you told him you made a mistake?

I admit I made a mistake are the six most important words in the English language.

And maybe tell him that nothing is more important in the world to you than him and your child.

If he keeps harping on about the house, remind him that you’ve already admitted you’ve made a mistake and now you both need to focus on solving it.

Good luck - and please don’t let him beat a dead horse over and over.
That doesn’t do anyone any good.

Sorry you are going through this. It isn't easy my husband and I did the same thing when we had a 9 month old.

Had just finished doing up a beautiful home but in completely the wrong area. I didn't want to stay and bring our child up. It's the closest we have been to divorce but I stuck to my guns because I knew in the long term it would be best for us as a family.

It's been hard (still is), the house we bought was in a better area but for us to be able to afford it, it had to be a doer upper. We still have a long way to go and little time to do it with a small child in tow who demands a lot of attention (as small children do).

We have made small improvements year by year, we are getting there but have made peace with the fact that it's going to take a long time to get it to a standard we are used to living. My husband has struggled with this more than I have, but although words have been exchanged on occasion he has never placed all the blame on me.

Try and sit down and talk. Easier said than done when you are exhausted from a day of parenting alongside renovating! Maybe try to allocate jobs that you can do, and your husband can do to try and cut the cost down.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Yes, I have straight up said that I know I made a mistake and I deeply regret it. He keeps saying he can't believe I've done this to us.

The thing is yes it was a mistake and in the short term we would lose money but we are where we are and I really wish we could try and look and some of the positives such as area etc. I suggested we go for a walk round the neighbourhood to just explore a bit as it is really nice. He just isn't interested though.

Originally, I was all set to suggest apologising, but after reading your updates (and assuming you have apologised), it feels more a matter of him needing to grow up and take his own share of responsibility. You didn't force him to buy this house, and anyway, at the end of the day what's done is done. You're a married couple with a child. This may be more than either of you bargained for, but you can make it work.

His threatening you with talk of breaking up is immature and unhelpful. It won't make you feel any better, but if he's willing to split over this, he must not have been that committed to the relationship. This isn't the kind of thing to break up a marriage over, imo. I think I'd tell him once and for all that you're sorry for your part in choosing this house and you're willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between you (letting him take the lead for a while, etc), but that he can't keep punishing you for this and guilt-tripping you when you already feel awful about it. Either he forgives and commits to the relationship or not, but he needs to make up his mind.

Take the pressure off yourselves to have it show-home ready as soon as possible. Tell yourselves once any essential work is done, (to stop leaks or damp or replacing rotten wood etc) that you will live in it for a year or two so you get a feel for it and work out what remodelling you want to do over the course of time. Most people really feel glad they didn't rush into remodelling. Spending time learning about how the light falls, or how you would ideally use the space means there's less chance of costly mistakes.

Deep clean the kitchen and bathroom and sort out some practical storage for them both. Give them a lick of paint if you want to. Make two rooms as nice as you can - a living area and the bedroom, as that's where you will be relaxing. Just keeping them really clean and tidy, smelling fresh with some well-placed things you love in them and fresh flowers and nice lamplight will make the house feel welcoming.

Then spend some time together having fun in the house - have friends around for drinks or a BBQ. Make a favourite dinner and eat it watching a comedy set or a classic movie you both love. Have a glass of wine together in the garden and listen to the birds.

It's more important that a home has a happy feel to it than that it gets admiring glances from outsiders.

I am your husband in this situation. It is no exaggeration to say that I hate the house that we’ve bought.

I have begged him to sell even though we’d lose a stupid amount of money and I know that’s unrealistic.

so no advice but it’s really hard! I try to not blame him for it when he pushed for it and I am a person with my own brain that agreed to a project of this scale but I would love to leave it well behind us!

Yes you made a mistake.
However the person you trusted most in the world went there with you.
There's a reason you are partners, and here even if someone makes a mistake, if the other person doesn't say "no way" then it's both our decision
He needs to grow some and support you both out of this mess

I'm hoping he can get past the blaming me. Right now I can feel the resentment coming from him. I feel sick with worry from it all and just want a big hug from my husband 😔

You cannot live the rest of your life with this dragging you down and your DH being the one pulling you deeper and deeper.

Sell. Lose some money. Revaluate your marriage.

You took a risk. It didn't pay off. Most if us have made mistakes and lost money.