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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH comment baffling

27 replies

BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:27

My DH asked last night whether having an affair was illegal.

He said 'i mean i know you can't go to prison for it, but it is illegal if you're married. like you could get a criminal record'

I then said 'of course not. you think the police are involved in affairs?'

He is now telling me he wasn't "totally wrong as you are breaking the contract with the government and god"

He is actually struggling with his mental health recently and has asked a few baffling things. He is telling me I'm being OTT by thinking this is a baffling question. What do others think?

OP posts:
interestingfailure · 22/05/2024 12:28

I think he's having an affair.

MILTOBE · 22/05/2024 12:28

He wants to know if he's breaking the law!

Anothnamechang · 22/05/2024 12:29

he sounds so much like my ex husband. He once argued with me for a whole week that someone working in a chip shop could be prosecuted if they put too much salt and vinegar on your meal. Even if you asked for it to be drowned in both, they would be prosecuted as it can impact health ☠️

KreedKafer · 22/05/2024 12:29

He is actually struggling with his mental health recently and has asked a few baffling things

What other sorts of baffling things?

It is a peculiar question to ask and I would be worried about his mental state if asking weird questions and having obviously wrong ideas about things is something he's doing a lot.

Original poster
BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:29

ha ha - i doubt that. it is more making me doubt his grip on reality. what the hell is he on about? he thinks it's a reasonable question.

OP posts:
TeaandBissKwitts · 22/05/2024 12:30

Is he from the UK, OP?

Blueeyedmale · 22/05/2024 12:31

It could just be like you say he is struggling with his mental health or has done something along those lines.it does sound a bit strange and maybe he could do with speaking to a professional about

Original poster
BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:32

Yes - he is from the UK.

He once asked me if I thought satellites in the sky could see into our homes. He's not even asking in a paranoid or worried way - in a way that is curious about whether NASA has pictures of our kitchens. really baffling stuff.

@Anothnamechang i could imagine him telling me something like that.

I think there is a childlike quality to him sometimes in that he repeats things he hears on youtube with absolutle certainity.

OP posts:
DahliaSmith · 22/05/2024 12:32

BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:29

ha ha - i doubt that. it is more making me doubt his grip on reality. what the hell is he on about? he thinks it's a reasonable question.

I'd also be worried about his mental health OP

5128gap · 22/05/2024 12:33

Yes, it's odd. Because adults living in our society know the answer to this already, and I'm sure he does too. When people start to question things with obvious answers, it can be a sign that they are becoming a little disengaged from reality. I'd be less concerned he was having an affair (although a past one/someone else's could have triggered this) and more concerned about his MH. Is he getting support?

splatmouse · 22/05/2024 12:35

Apparently;

Adultery is not a crime in any European country, the last being Romania which repealed its law against adultery in 2006. In a few states of the US it is a crime (New York, Oklahoma, Michigan, Wisconsin etc). It is a capital offense in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Brunei, Iran, and Somalia.

according to - law.stackexchange.com/questions/92859/is-there-a-place-where-adultery-is-a-crime/92865#92865

Original poster
BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:35

@5128gap that is exactly it. askign questions with v obvious answers. and because he's proud he then become stubborn. so starting getting annoying with me "obviously i know you can't go to prison for it. but i mean, technically it is illegal. and it kind of is because people divorce over it. the government don't want you to do it". i sometimes feel like i'm talking to a child. and not in a horrible way - but in a worrying way

OP posts:
TeaandBissKwitts · 22/05/2024 12:38

Does he acknowledge his MH stuff? Or does he think he's fine and is functioning normally? Is it impacting his work?

Stompythedinosaur · 22/05/2024 12:38

I'd assume his mental health difficulties are impacting his cognitive functions.

Anothnamechang · 22/05/2024 12:39

BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 12:32

Yes - he is from the UK.

He once asked me if I thought satellites in the sky could see into our homes. He's not even asking in a paranoid or worried way - in a way that is curious about whether NASA has pictures of our kitchens. really baffling stuff.

@Anothnamechang i could imagine him telling me something like that.

I think there is a childlike quality to him sometimes in that he repeats things he hears on youtube with absolutle certainity.

I would say it does sound like mental health taking its toll. My ex did become a lot worse and he too was very interested in god etc. He became an elder of a church and then one day decided he didn’t like that religion and moved onto a completely different one altogether.

fedupandstuck · 22/05/2024 12:40

The marriage contract isn't with the government, it's between the two parties that are married to each other.

There are various grounds which allow either party to initiate the dissolving of the marriage contract (divorce), one of which is adultery. None of this is based on criminal law in any way.

His question isn't baffling, in that the answer is obvious. It's peculiar that he's asking and is unable to reason through the answer or able to look up information to find out.

The most important thing here is whether he's getting any help with his mental health at the moment?

thinkfast · 22/05/2024 13:12

Adultery was a crime before 1857 OP, so maybe he's misremembered something he once heard about that?

Comedycook · 22/05/2024 13:14

He's having an affair or thinks you're having an affair?

Spudthespanner · 22/05/2024 13:15

In true Mumsnet style, you're going to get endless replies with facts about marriage. Especially as you've posted in AIBU.

Weed out the nonsense OP and listen to the posters talking sense. If you're 100% convinced he's not having an affair, and he's said other bizarre things like this recently, I'd be keeping a real eye on him. Make a note of what he's saying and when, and if you're concerned talk to your GP for advice.

wibblywobblywoo · 22/05/2024 13:20

He's not having an affair he's having cognitive problems due to his mental health issues.

Collate some examples and get an appointment with his GP - if he has a history of MH issues hopefully the GP will run with getting some more tests and assessments done to see where this takes you next.

Good luck to both of you.

Marblessolveeverything · 22/05/2024 13:20

It isn't illegal since 1857 in UK. Given the context I would be concerned about it being MH related. My ex had significant MH and often went down moral black holes. Always a concern, can you let his medical team know. It could just be random but if he is involved in talk therapy it may be helpful to disclose.

Original poster
BigGreenBear · 22/05/2024 13:21

I just posted to check my reaction/concern. It is surely an obvious fact that does not need to be checked that having an affair cannot get you arrested. As I say - he thinks its a reasonable question. I think it is baffling and concerning.

I think I may speak to the GP. He does say his MH is a problem and he finds himself struggling to focus or listen to anyone. He is lost in his own world. I wondered if people know that asking v obvious questions can be related to MH?

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/05/2024 13:22

I'd suspect it's evidence of his mental health concerns rather than evidence of him having an affair. I wouldn't rule out him accusing you of having an affair if he becomes paranoid. Is he getting help?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 22/05/2024 13:29

People often misinterpret the words criminal and illegal and use them in the context of contracts. As marriage is a legal contract it's possible to assume breach of the contract due to affair would be 'illegal'. I would think this is the kind of question a teenager may ask or someone who isn't a native English speaker.

Maray1967 · 22/05/2024 13:31

He sounds unwell - unless he’s picked up on it still being technically illegal in some US states via US websites?