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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awful week - am I expecting too much from boyfriend?

32 replies

Rizzo8 · 21/05/2024 23:31

I had to euthanise my cat at 19 years old this week and I am heartbroken.

Regardless of what people say or think she was a constant companion who was there during all my biggest life events. I really loved her and I am crying almost constantly.

I've been with boyfriend for under a year but it's fairly serious. A few days before the death of my pet he moved 3.5 hours away elsewhere in the UK for a new job, so we have just become long distance. He adored the cat/she him and he cried from afar and has offered comforting words as much as he can

We are due to meet next month for a few days but I really thought he would offer to come back for a weekend after this happened?

My relatives and best friend are providing physical support and presence but he hasn't offered to do anything.

OP posts:

DontKnow1988 · 21/05/2024 23:34

Gently, YABU and expecting too much. He's 3.5 hrs away and is starting a new job, he has quite a lot going on too.

MiddleParking · 21/05/2024 23:39

Sorry about your cat. I think your expectations are certainly misaligned with what he’s offering, rather than definitively ‘too much’.

Original poster

Rizzo8 · 21/05/2024 23:40

Although he is starting the new job he already has flexibility to work from home (and has worked from my place several times) - he only went in to the workplace 2 days last week

He doesn't know anyone yet so he's just unpacking boxes here and there and exploring the area at weekends

I understand I need to empathize with him too. I just think if the other way around I would have gone to him this weekend.

OP posts:

logginginloggingout · 21/05/2024 23:40

Sorry for you loss but YABU.
He did not know the cat was gonna die.
And with work being a new job and having to drive 3.5 hours to get back to you its a lot.
I dont think his new boss would enjoy the fact his new worker cant start or started to have days off to go comfort his girlfriend because of the death of her cat.
I know it awful but at least he rang and you have family around you.

OnehundredStars · 21/05/2024 23:40

I don’t have a pet so I don’t fully get it but I am sorry to hear of your sadness. I wouldn’t wreck a relationship because he hasn’t come back because if it.

Justbrowsing2024 · 21/05/2024 23:45

I wouldn't travel back because a cat died. Wouldn't expect my bf too especially after moving and starting a new job.
Talk to him though, he may not realise what you need so tell him

earther · 21/05/2024 23:48

I just think if the other way around I would have gone to him this weekend.
That would be your choice to go.
Sorry but you are expecting too much.
I wouldn't be driving 3.5 hours back either because your cat died.
You have friends and family and him on the other end of the phone.

Original poster

Rizzo8 · 21/05/2024 23:48

I dont want to give him a hard time. He's a good man.

It's just been such an awful time and the person I need a cuddle from is the person I can't get it from and that's rough.

The three of us were a kind of happy bubble in recent months and now they are both gone in the same week

OP posts:

Circumferences · 21/05/2024 23:49

We are due to meet next month for a few days but I really thought he would offer to come back for a weekend after this happened?

You do sound heartbroken so have my sympathies but unfortunately boyfriends and husbands are not mind readers.

In a relationship you should be able to say "I need to see you this weekend can we arrange something" rather than expect magical perfect offerings.....

minipie · 21/05/2024 23:50

You could go to him just as easily as he could come to you? In fact maybe more easily as he’ll have lots to do to sort out his new place and figure out the new location.

I am really sorry about your cat, but I think your expectations are too much.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/05/2024 23:52

He's a boyfriend, and the relationship has just become long distance.
No, he won't be coming to see you any sooner as you already know when he is next seeing you - next month, it's the 21st of this month already.
He has cried, and he has comforted you.

you admit you have relatives and a best friend supporting you thru this.

or would you prefer this weekend instead of the arranged one ?
how often do you think you will be seeing each other ?
If he comes to visit you early, how long would it be until you would see each other again - if he decides to cut out the arranged visit.

What are the plans for the future ?
are you moving too ?
or has he moved just for a certain length of time ?

I think you may need to manage your expectations of a long distance boyfriend.

logginginloggingout · 21/05/2024 23:52

Has above poster said why dont you go to him.

MiddleParking · 21/05/2024 23:53

But OP, he’s chosen to move elsewhere. I don’t know how much clearer it could be that being available to you for physical support and comfort isn’t his current priority. I’m not criticising him there, nor you, it just sounds like you want different things.

Elieza · 21/05/2024 23:56

I'm so sorry for the loss of your much loved furry family member. I lost mine when she was 18. I'd had her since age was a kitten. She was my rock through all sorts.

Your bf probably considered coming back but it's a long journey and he knows you have support.

Can you not go to him? It might do you good to get out if the house. Take lots of tissues and dark glasses.

Original poster

Rizzo8 · 21/05/2024 23:59

I suppose @MiddleParking if seemed fine and dandy to give LDR a go when life was ok

Then grief hits and you realise what it means to not have the person by your side. I did expect some of the posts re not returning for 'a cat' but I feel the loss keenly and that's what matters. It's terrible timing obviously.

OP posts:

FreshStar · 22/05/2024 00:00

I think yabu cause he hasn’t even settled in over there. I bet he’s still unpacking etc it doesn’t make sense for him to go back this early

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 22/05/2024 00:16

Visit him if its that important. Then you get to see where he's living now too

Guavafish1 · 22/05/2024 00:21

Maybe visit him.

Might help your grief?

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2024 01:15

I think that you should have asked him to come back for the weekend. It should have occurred to him to offer and he should want to see you. What will you get from a LDR, Occasional sex? The odd days out? It doesn't seem that much more is on offer tbh.

BaiIey · 22/05/2024 08:31

YABU

AngryBird6122 · 22/05/2024 08:33

Can you ask him if you can get together sooner? You really would love to see him right now?

SpringerFall · 22/05/2024 08:35

Rizzo8 · 21/05/2024 23:40

Although he is starting the new job he already has flexibility to work from home (and has worked from my place several times) - he only went in to the workplace 2 days last week

He doesn't know anyone yet so he's just unpacking boxes here and there and exploring the area at weekends

I understand I need to empathize with him too. I just think if the other way around I would have gone to him this weekend.

To be perfectly honest once people go down then 'well I would have done...' they will never be happy

yellowsmileyface · 22/05/2024 10:00

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, it's just a case of terrible timing. It's understandable that you'd be struggling to cope with two massive changes, the loss of a beloved pet and starting long distance with your boyfriend.

At the same time, your boyfriend is also going through a lot of changes. Even if he has the option to WFH, starting a new job is scary and stressful, especially on top of settling into a new city. I really don't think you can begrudge him for not putting it all on hold to return to visit you.

As others have suggested, could you perhaps visit him instead?

Solidlump · 22/05/2024 10:20

Sending you sympathy. I had my beautiful cat for 14 years and she died in horrible circumstances which I still feel traumatised about, even though it was over 30 years ago. I still have her photos on display. So I understand how horrible this is for you.

However I do think your boyfriend has been sympathetic and supportive to you. And you have your friends and family. So I think it is unreasonable for you to expect him, at what is an important point in his life, to come to be with you. He will be dealing with a lot himself and is also upset at the loss of your beloved pet.

SkaneTos · 22/05/2024 10:24

I'm sorry for your loss.

Is it possible for you to travel to see your boyfriend instead? Might be a good thing to get out of the house, too?

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