Am I right to keep pregnancy from my best friend?

[Hoping77]

Hi all, I’m 5 weeks pregnant. Huge shock and surprise as I’m in my 40’s and wasn’t even trying.

I already have a 4 year old daughter. At the time when I conceived her my best friend and her partner at the time had been trying and also ended up having 4 rounds of IVF plus one extra round with donor eggs. All of which failed. She is no longer with her partner and is currently still single. She struggled mentally and emotionally with the break up and also coming to terms with the fact that she won’t have a child of her own. (She is 47 now). She still struggles to come to terms with it. she’s had counselling and therapy and really feels like a failure.

She has had co-workers and other friends in the last year or 2 become pregnant and she’s been in tears, unable to sleep, really low and done every thing she can to avoid seeing them when they are pregnant.

me and her have been through loads together and we are more like sisters than just best friends. We are due to go out on a day drinking event on 1st June which she is really looking forward to.

So far I’ve not told her I’m pregnant. I genuinely thought it would all have ended by now (I’ve had 8 miscarriages in the past). So I thought what’s the point of telling her when it’s going to end and I can save her the heartache.

But even though I’m only 5 weeks I’ve seen her twice and feel absolutely awful for keeping it from her. She will be absolutely devastated when she finds out, not for me but for herself as it will bring everything back.

I have a scan booked on Weds 29th which is 3 has before our day out. I still think there is a strong chance the pregnancy won’t be viable and part of me wants to wait until then so I can avoid upsetting her. But obviously if the scan goes well I’ll have to tell her 3 days before the event that I can still go but I can’t drink because I’m pregnant!

wouldn’t give her much time to find someone else to go in my place if she wanted to. I doubt she’d want to go with me if she found out.

Feel so torn, don’t know if I should tell her sooner or try to hold out and save her the pain if it’s bad news at the scan.

Any help or advice appreciated x

Ooosh hard one!! If it were me, if I kind of assumed a miscarriage was most likely I would wait. If all ok nearer the time which fingers crossed for you it will be, break it to her gently. She will accept it eventually and the sooner she knows the better as the deception might be worse.

I agree with the others I would wait and see what the scan results are. Good luck! 🤞🏼

Personally, I wouldn't tell her until the 12 week scan. I would make up an excuse now for the event so she has plenty of time to sort other arrangements and you don't need to feel guilty about anything. Best of luck with your pregnancy

what’s meant to be is meant to be and all that :)

@HappyHolidays22 Gosh, please never say this in the context of someone dealing with infertility or miscarriage. Really, really offensive and upsetting.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP, if it comes up I’d probably tell a white lie and say you found out later than you actually did. She may be upset and that’s very sad for her, but it sounds like you’re a very understanding friend who’ll be ok if she needs to take time away.

Congrats and you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty.

You’re absolutely right - I hadn’t thought about it at all when I wrote it. Will try to delete as I’m aware how bad that actually sounds when I think about it!

Antibiotics? Tell her you can't drink

May as well wear a T-shirt saying “I’m pregnant but don’t want to tell you yet”

OP, in your shoes, I would cancel last minute and say you’re unwell for the day drinking.

I would hold on in telling her. I understand why you would want to tell her sooner rather than later, but later rather than sooner I think would save your friend. Be prepared for her being quite upset no matter what, despite your best intentions.

Don’t do the antibiotics bit. Don’t start getting caught in a lie. Even though I said to cancel last minute on the day drinking

If you can drive, make an excuse to drive to the event so you can't drink. If its a beer festival or something where you literally can't not drink, you'll have to decide whether you'd rather just not go or mention that you're pregnant. Or pretend you have an illness, maybe a stomach upset, that means you don't feel like drinking.

I'd leave it till you know the pregnancy is viable.. so I’d have d&v on the day drinking session.. if you subsequently get to tell her of the pregnancy (and I hope you do) then the d&v could be pregnancy related.

you may loose her for a time whilst she deals with her emotions but hopefully she will be able to deal with it.

Good luck op.

I absolutely wouldn’t lie. If she truly is your closest friend I think you should tell her now. It gives her more time to get her head around it if all is well on the scan. And personally, if the early pregnancy scan is bad news, Id struggle to hide that from my best friend only 3 days later (assuming you want the pregnancy). Just be really matter of fact, offer her space to process but remind her you are there for her if she wants to talk. Good luck x

I was in the situation and I am not sure waiting was better for either of us than confiding my friend from the start given how much we talked daily. Ultimately she will know you kept it from her and that will also sting.

Agree. You have put it much better than I did!

Especially when you can drink alcohol on many of them

I'm sorry that you've had 8 losses, that's incredibly hard.

I'd say it depends on your relationship with her. I know you say that she's struggling at the moment. As a close friend of yours do you think she can be a supportive friend towards you should the worst happen? If you think it'll make her struggle more then I'd honestly not tell her yet until you know for definite. Is she the kind of person who would say "I am here for you of course but this is obviously painful for me at the moment". In other words support you as a friend but not being emotionally invested. I know myself personally that I'd be devastated if a friend couldn't share their news. Even when I was struggling to conceive or having my own miscarriages I was happy for my close friends. When it got too much they were supportive enough when I said I pleased for them but I needed to protect my mental health. Whilst stating I was still there if they needed anything any time of day or night.

Did you need to post the exact same reply again?

Thanks everyone for all the lovely responses. It’s given me a few different opinions but all very helpful.

I think the only option here is to tell her this weekend when I see her or wait for the scan.
She is ultra suspicious of anyone who goes out with her and doesn’t drink and we also cancelled the very same event at Xmas time last year because I had a 24hr sickness bug!

the deception is what’s upsetting me at the moment I think she’d rather know that me kept in the dark. We don’t really keep anything from eachother. And like some of you said, she would definitely be there for me if the scan turned out bad news I know she would be.

it will hit her like a bolt out the blue, we have spent the last 2 years talking about perimenopause symptoms and our periods getting shorter/night sweats/mood swings and brain fog! 🙈😩 x

To be fair @HappyHolidays22 asked for her first post to be removed as it accidentally had something in there which could be considered offensive, so absolutely fair enough if she wants to repost her comment with that taken out. It’s appreciated tbh.

I would cancel the event. I can’t see how you will enjoy it, whatever happens. If you tell her you’re pregnant and try to fudge on the drinking, you’ll be on edge all day wondering if she’ll guess. If you do tell her and she gets upset, it ruins the day for both of you. Waiting a while is the best, if not the most honest, solution here.

Best wishes for the scan 🙂

What’s it to you?

wait

You are making your pregnancy about her. It's not about her. Her circumstances are difficult but not for anyone else to fix. I would cancel the event, and avoid her, until the 12 week scan. You need to protect yourself and your metal health first.