Am I right to keep pregnancy from my best friend?

[Hoping77]

Hi all, I’m 5 weeks pregnant. Huge shock and surprise as I’m in my 40’s and wasn’t even trying.

I already have a 4 year old daughter. At the time when I conceived her my best friend and her partner at the time had been trying and also ended up having 4 rounds of IVF plus one extra round with donor eggs. All of which failed. She is no longer with her partner and is currently still single. She struggled mentally and emotionally with the break up and also coming to terms with the fact that she won’t have a child of her own. (She is 47 now). She still struggles to come to terms with it. she’s had counselling and therapy and really feels like a failure.

She has had co-workers and other friends in the last year or 2 become pregnant and she’s been in tears, unable to sleep, really low and done every thing she can to avoid seeing them when they are pregnant.

me and her have been through loads together and we are more like sisters than just best friends. We are due to go out on a day drinking event on 1st June which she is really looking forward to.

So far I’ve not told her I’m pregnant. I genuinely thought it would all have ended by now (I’ve had 8 miscarriages in the past). So I thought what’s the point of telling her when it’s going to end and I can save her the heartache.

But even though I’m only 5 weeks I’ve seen her twice and feel absolutely awful for keeping it from her. She will be absolutely devastated when she finds out, not for me but for herself as it will bring everything back.

I have a scan booked on Weds 29th which is 3 has before our day out. I still think there is a strong chance the pregnancy won’t be viable and part of me wants to wait until then so I can avoid upsetting her. But obviously if the scan goes well I’ll have to tell her 3 days before the event that I can still go but I can’t drink because I’m pregnant!

wouldn’t give her much time to find someone else to go in my place if she wanted to. I doubt she’d want to go with me if she found out.

Feel so torn, don’t know if I should tell her sooner or try to hold out and save her the pain if it’s bad news at the scan.

Any help or advice appreciated x

Gosh this is so tough. I remember finding out I was pregnant when my friend was going through IVF & I felt absolutely terrible telling her. You’re absolutely right that it will knock her for six & as pp have said she may need to distance herself from you for a bit. Life can be so unfair at times & it can be so difficult when you have something your friend desperately wants. I would definitely wait though to see if the pregnancy is viable. Tentative congratulations by the way OP.

I still think it’s insensitive. What’s it to you?

and actually coming on to see it again further down is just a bit of a shame. But never mind. Fair play.

I think you're very kind to think so much about your friends reaction, but this really is about you.

you shouldn't have to second guess her resction if you don't tell her right away - it is usual to wait till 12 weeks to tell peoole, she has no right to hear before, and if she guesses, she shouldn't mention it to you until you tell her.

So I'd vote with don't tell her if the scan goes well but wait till 12 weeks and let her know then. Tell her you can't drink on your day out due to a tummy bug, or a work crisis so you can't take the day off, or your have to take your dad to a drs appointment - white lies are ok in this situation!

And congrats, hope it all goes well for you.

This is one time you need to put you first. Both you and your BF have been through some terrible pregnancy related things. Wait for the scan as that is what is right for you. It sounds selfish and you sound like an amazing friend - but you deserve your own piece of mind too.

She will be upset. But she will understand when her head clears again.

Ah op, that's such a difficult position to be in and I totally get why you'd worry so much about your friend and her feelings around it.

I think you're right in that this is going to be a kick in the guts for her no matter how or when it comes out. I'd also be inclined to wait and see how things go. Hopefully everything will be smooth sailing for you but if (God forbid) it isn't you don't want to be dealing with a pained reaction from her at a time when you might be finding things hard as well. Many, many people wait 12 weeks so it's really not a lie or an omission, it's you being entitled to your privacy in this area of your life and deciding how and when to tell people in your own terms.

If the event is after your scan I'd tell her straight after the scan so she has a few days before seeing you and can decide if she wants to go or not. I wouldn't want to add to any lies or have her feel mislead in any way so outside of the 12 wks I'd be honest just since you do sound really close.

I was pregnant while my friend was really struggling with infertility. It was so difficult to navigate and I so badly wanted to be there for her but ultimately I had to accept that I just wasn't the person who could be there for her in that moment in time and that respecting her need for space was all I could really do. I really hope that at some point we're able to rekindle the closeness we had but I understand its going to need to be on her terms. It just really sucks because i miss her.

The thing is that others are right, you've also had a really difficult time op and you are absolutely entitled to celebrate when you feel ready and safe to do so. So while yes you need to give her consideration, you also need to use your other networks for support and joy in whatever way feels right for you.

Wishing you all the best op really hoping all goes well for you.

Difficult situation but I would wait too I think. You don't even have to tell her at the event, there are a lot of reasons why you could not be drinking.
Whatever you decide though don't tell her at the event, tell her either before so she has time to process or after

I would tell her sooner rather than later. She will be hurt if she realises you kept it from her. You know she's going to be upset and may distance herself from you for a while so you might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.

I definitely wouldn't tell her in person as she might feel thrown and act badly that will upset you, or feel she has to be very happy and celebratory immediately which will be hard.

Much better to let her know by text asap saying that you're really sorry that you can't go to event and hope she can find someone else to go with (perhaps offer to reimburse her ticket if she would be put out). Even if you want to you can say 'I've had some surprising news that I'm only sharing now as your my closest friend but I'm very early pregnat. Haven't been to hopital etc yet. I know this is a really difficult topic for you so I wanted to give you a heads up to process rather than putting you on the spot xxxx

Ps you're being very kind but your needs matter too don't feel guilty for pregnancy she needs to take some responsibility here - not wanting to go to an event with you because you're pregnant wouldn't be kind or nice if she's a true best friend.

Personally I'd tell her now so that she has time to process it. Telling her now, before the scan when you're not sure it's going to stick, gives her a period of time where it's not definite so she can mull over how she feels about it and have prepared herself for "the news", when you have your scan. You know her best though so I think you really are the best person to decide this. What would you want her to do if the situation were reversed?

Whatever you decide to do, you are a very kind and thoughtful friend OP. She is lucky to have you. There is no getting away from how badly she will probably take this, I had a similar situation with my sister. It is absolutely shite for her, there is no 'but' you add to the end of that sentence, some things can only be endured. 😒

Meant to add, good luck with your pregnancy. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Perimenopause unfortunately can make some women randomly more fertile (a lot of multiple pregnancies in this situation.)
I think you need to sit her down and have a hard conversation with her. You’ve had a surprise pregnancy and after all your miscarriages, you’re scared and anxious yourself. You don’t want to rub it in or cause her pain, but you want her to know asap because you love and respect her.

I don’t know what you should do but I think it’s great that you care so much and understand her mindset. You know how hard it is when people make announcements when you’re struggling.

Wait until 12 weeks. She will understand why you'd do this and won't take offence. You do have to tell her then though.

As someone waiting for IVF while three of my closest friends have had babies/announced pregnancies, please don’t tell her face to face. Send a text, let her process quietly and privately so that she can get her “happy for you” face on. I really appreciated a private heads up from one friend. The other one told me in a restaurant at the beginning of a girls meal out with 3 other friends. I went to the toilet and sobbed then had to put on a happy smile for a further three hours. I’m happy for my friends I’m just sad for me. I’m sure with some processing time your friend will feel the same. Congrats :)

Don’t lie to her about not drinking it will be like a kick in the teeth if she finds out you’ve lied. If she’s your best friend tell her before the night out so she can decide whether to go or not. Everything happens for a reason after all.

I think you should wait until 29th, lie low until then. If the scan is positive, I think I’d ring her then (at a time when you know her DP is home), and tell her that you’ve found out you are unexpectedly pregnant.

But she’d taken out the part you were complaining about! You obviously didn’t even read it!

I think the only option here is to tell her this weekend when I see her or wait for the scan.

Do you think she would appreciate being told in person?

Sometimes this sort of news is actually better delivered in a text saying what you've told us as it gives her time to process it without thinking about her reaction to you then she can cry or just not speak for a few hours if she wants.

I definitely wouldn't do it in person op. Send her a text and let her have the time she needs to process it. Please don't put her on the spot.

Thanks again everyone, I have such a mixture of responses but ultimately it just goes to show what a difficult situation it is.

Some if you have suggested I send her a text not face to face. Me and my friend have been through a lot and when she split up with her partner and her failed ivf rounds I was there at her house through all the tears and the pain she went through.

So I kind of feel like sending her a text feels very impersonal and like a cop out. As if I don’t have the guts to tell her to her face. Knowing her as I do I feel she would be let down by that.

Maybe.. I could send her a message but then be outside her house and if she wanted me to come in and talk I could, otherwise I could leave and give her space. Sounds daft maybe but it’s such a delicate situation.. and it all might be for nothing.

i don’t want to lose my baby or my best friend x

When ttc it upset me more when friends didn't tell me or felt awkward about being pregnant. I was delighted for every single one of them, yes it hurt, but not their fault! As others have said, no hurry, but these things have a habit of outing themselves. Congrats and good luck. Xx

@Hoping77 You know her best but if you texted her you could also offer to come over. I don't think I'd want you outside my house personally but appreciate we are all different! Even if you've both been through a lot, you being pregnant will be difficult for her. Just text her and maybe don't make a big deal just let her know you understand she might not find it easy to hear and you don't need to talk about it unless she wants to but also that you'll go straight over if she wants to chat.