Worried I won't be interested when I have grandchildren

[Summerbeachdays]

This is probably a weird thing to worry about because eldest is still only a teenager.

Sometimes though, I read threads on here or when I think about my parents and pil, I wonder what kind of grandparent I would be.

The thing is that I have no interest in babies but of course I loved and looked after my own. I would not want to have a baby or toddler now though. Older children are fab but again, only my own.

My own parents have never been very involved grandparents, my mum is to my dc but doesn't go out of her way.

My mil loves babies and can talk forever about babies, but seemed to lose all interest after about age 4. Seems to be a common theme. When my nieces and nephews have been born people seemed to assume I'd want to spend ages holding and cuddling them but I'm actually thinking I hope they don't be sick on me.

I've heard people say one of the lovely things about grandchildren is they remind you of your own babies when they were little. Can't speak from experience because I'm only on my first child but my mum is not really a 'baby person' and absolutely loves her grandson.

Dm is the same with DS. Absolutely adores him and spoils him in a way that frankly she never did with us! (She was affectionate with us as children but she thinks DS is just wonderful)

She has no interest in other children, but your own are completely different apparently

I can appreciate your worry. My parents were delighted till the kids turned 8 or so: exactly the age at which they kind of lost interest in me. Now neither of them really cares beyond a 'oh how is X's course going <proceeds to name a course they are not doing>"

Their other grandparents were not interested till they became mid-teens, and now have a lovely relationship.

I think if you're aware of it then you can probably train yourself? Part of it is geography, too. My parents live three hours' drive away, and come from a culture where adult kids do all - ALL - the visiting to their parents. They made the effort for little grandchildren and then stopped. So perhaps it'll depend where you end up living in relation to your dc.

Don't worry about it. My MIL isn't really a baby/small child person, but adores her grandchildren and her own children (and even seems to like her DILs). She taught older kids, and always says that she couldn't have dealt with younger ones 😆

The thing is that I have no interest in babies but of course I loved and looked after my own. I would not want to have a baby or toddler now though. Older children are fab but again, only my own

I felt a bit like you - I loved my children when they were little and I am very proud of the adults that they have turned out to be. Other people's (including close family) children not so much.

I now have 3 beautiful grandchildren and I was completely astounded by the feelings that overwhelmed me each time another one came along.

I'm probably not a typical MNetter in that I actually get on well with my SIL and DIL - we all go on holiday together and it's always amazing. Nobody needs to throw themselves to the floor in a fit of tears - well, none of the adults anyway :-)

OP you might (will probably) surprise yourself.

Do you have a DD?

My mum was and remains exactly how you think you might be. She loved and cared for us all very much, but always said she at best tolerated other children and warned us early on she wouldn’t be a hands-on grandmother.

Except her first DGC was a girl by me. She was shocked by how attached she was to that girl. When I was in utero, and was born with my entire ovarian reserve, my eggs were inside my Mum, part of my Mum. Half of my DD is literally part of my Mum. And boy does she feel that. She describes feeling a stronger attachment to my DD than to me because my DD is away from her 99% of her time and yet she’s a part of her.

Same could happen to you!

I feel like you but I figure I will deal with it if/when the time comes.

One of mine is in her 20s. I work full time in a full on job so I think a lot of my feelings are down to that. Dd is very unlikely to have a child soon but if she does there wouldn’t be that much I could do. And my feelings might change by the time she or ds is in the position of having kids. I am hoping not to be working this full on into my 50s.

So much can change I just don’t worry about it.

I love babies, always have, but as my children grow older I don't have that longing for their babyhood that many people talk about. Been there, done that, was lovely but what we have now is just as lovely. I think take all societal pressure away and try not to psychoanalyse how you will feel before it's even happened yet. And when it does acknowledge your feelings without guilt.

It's all of the fun and none of the responsibility all of the good bits Grandchildren of course behave for their grandparents 😂 I melt when I look at them , and absolutely adore them and see no wrong in them . To me they are angels.

Even as parents, we had/have different favourite stages of our children's lives.
My grandchildren are at my favourite stage right now -toddler to early primary.

I'm making the most of it! I know that it'll seem like no time when they'll just want their friends and their phones, and visiting grandma, instead of causing great excitement, will probably cause then to roll their eyes!

I know I'll find that harder, but I'm already training my mind to work on that. Likewise, though I was fascinated by those little babies that carried my genes, and helped with their care, the really massive outburst of love hit hard later, when they became toddlers and realised my place in their lives.

This pretty much sums me up although I never said that I wouldn't be a hands on grandmother as I never expected to be a grandmother at all. I also very much tolerated other peoples children and held my nieces and nephews because it was expected but not really interested in them or my friends DC or DGCs

And like your mum, my DGC was my DD's first DC and is also a girl.

I have been quite shocked at how much I adore this little scrap and she gets more engaging every week. Me and DH adore her

I am currently away on holiday and miss her - this may be because I look after her one day a week, looking forward to seeing her next week

I feel exactly the same, OP, but it's entirely possible that grandmotherly feelings will get switched if we do have grandchildren!

I’m not a baby person or a person who enjoys spending time with other people’s children either but I’m absolutely devoted to my own - as I’m sure you are to yours. I have no worries about being a gp (mine are only teens at the mo so hopefully not too soon) because I have no doubt I’ll love them more than I ever imagined possible, just like my own kids. I wouldn’t worry!

My grandchildren are adult now, but although I love them to bits, I was never interested in small children or any continuous childminding.

On MN, if you declared that you loved all old people, you'd be pasted as ageist, thinking old people are some homogeneous mass.

So I am not being ageist when I say that liking all babies and toddlers etc is weird. Because they're not all the same.

One of my least favourite things about pregnancy was people thinking I wanted to hold their babies. 1) already got one kicking inside thanks, don't want to be beaten both sides, 2) I don't like your baby.

People look at you very oddly when you're 8 months gone and you look askance at small children!

Don't worry about it. As a GM you are not obliged to like new babies.

I think you will want to support your children, listen, empathise etc. But there is no call for you to care for the new arrival. You might help financially, or just be a kind and sympathetic ear.

No-one is expecting you to be Mary Poppins. In fact many DILs would really prefer you didn't try.

All you have to do is care for your daughter however she wants you to when she's having the babies. And then agree there never was a lovelier child and you knew they'd be brilliant parents and they're much better than you ever were. Read some stories, bake some buns, be a listening ear and a pushover when you take them to the shop for an ice cream.

You will be super surprised at your feelings of adoration when your first grandchild arrives.

My mum owned a little decorative plaque that said

“If I had known how wonderful grandchildren were, I would have had them first!”

My mum is not a baby person. To the extent that while she loves my sibling and me fiercely, she has admitted that she probably would not have chosen to have children if it wasn’t the expectation at that time.

When her friends started having grandchildren, she complained about how they had all become so boring because they only talked about their grandchildren and had nothing interesting to say.

Then I had my child. You have never met a more doting grandmother. She’s borderline obsessed! Came over every other day during my mat leave. Offered to look after DC a day a week when DH and I went back to work. My DD is 6 and the love hasn’t abated. She messages about her everyday, sees her as often as she can and would see her every day if she could!

@TheRosesAreInBloom

I need one of these!

It'll be a long time, if ever, if my kids have kids. But I feel the same. The only kids I actually like, are my own (although they're a bit boring)and that incudes other kids in my immediate family.

I suspect if I have gc, I will be briefly and completely obsessed, then just as quickly, lose interest. Which is generally the pattern of my life.

Can you remember how you felt the minute you had your own children? Having DGC is sort of like that impossible to think/know what it's like until it happens. The love you feel for them is different but completely unconditional and even more than you felt for your own DC

Love is something you do, not just something you feel. Be interested in them, sit and play with them, keep up to date with what they are into. It's not just play acting, you grow into it as you invest in them.

You can decide to be a great grandparent and JFDI, you don't need to wait for Cupid's arrow to strike. If course if it comes, and you're bowled over by their very existence - which is quite likely if you felt like that about your own children - then it's easier. But either way you can do it if you choose to.

I've seen this before, and I find it so odd and bizarre.

People don't look after their grandchildren all the time. So of course they are going to appear better/easier, and 'wonderful.' Bit different when you're the sole carer for them, and especially if have a bloody job as well, and financial problems like many parents of children under 21 do.

Also, many grandparents don't work, and if they do it's part time, and they rarely have financial problems, so the grandchildren are like a hobby for them! Suggesting the grandchildren are somehow better/more superior than their own children is pretty shitty IMO.