Stepchild

[Jadee23]

Hi there

i just wanted some advice please
me and my partner have been married since September 2021
we have three children my oldest is not his biologically but take her as his own.
when my oldest is at my partner’s mums house and she on FaceTime with family or at any of his family events my mil will introduce are kids to family members who haven’t seen them before and say that this is my partner son and daughter (his two youngest who are biologically his) but when she introduces my oldest she will say this is my partner step daughter

it bothers me but some people say I’m overthinking it as she hasn’t know her that long

but I don’t know if I should say something or other people are right and I’m overthinking

Exactly this. I don’t think it’s mean to point out basic facts about who is who.

I don’t think pretending you are a nuclear family is particularly helpful for your DD.

If it is upsetting your daughter then it is your job to clarify with her that it doesn't make a difference just Granny being factual, so as not to confuse people.

I imagine if your DD is upset it is because of your reaction to it rather than her own.

Has she actually come to you and told you it upsets her, or have you decided it's unfair on her?

I am also curious tho I suspect I know the answer to know whose idea it was to call a relatively new step dad "dad"..

I know a fair few people with stepdads and the only one who calls their step dad dad was one where the mum remarried when they were a baby

My advice is to manage her expectations now. Don't mislead the girl into thinking everyone will see her as her stepfather's daughter just because he married her mum. What you do within your own family unit is between you, but what happens outside of that is not in your control. Don't lie to her, even when it's with the best of intentions. It will only lead to pain.

This!

This. You've only been together a couple of years. Your DP is not her dad.

Do you think your DD needs to talk through her feelings about her family situation with a neutral party? I get that at that age it doesn't take much to make you feel awkward or different. I don't think you can get everyone to pretend in order to make her feel better though.

Your DD has never met her biological father?
Are there any links between you & her father's family?

Is there any reason why your DH can't adopt your DD? It would make sense & end all the discomfort.

You’d be better teaching your daughter resilience and to be comfortable/proud of her place in the family than telling your MIL she has to lie and keep your daughter fragile on the issue.

What's not nice about being referred to as someone's stepdaughter when you are, in fact, their stepdaughter? Your energies would be better placed in helping your daughter deal with her feelings around her biological father's absence rather than perpetuating the idea that this new man is "dad". Helping her understand she can be loved and safe regardless of how these relationships are defined would be a much better goal than trying to convince other people to call her something she isn't.

How often is it happening? Surely the family know your daughter by now and no need for introductions. How often is she in a position where your DH's mother is introducing her to someone who doesn't know the family set up? Pretty rarely?

If your Mil treats your DD kindly, just let it go.

Why are you attaching negativity to a neutral word? That's a you' issue that you appear to have passed on to your daughter.

I have family who have similar dynamics and he always introduces his dss as the one he chose or the reason he married x as his dsd was fan of xyz etc, so it is acknowledged while being positive.

It would be weird to not have referenced an older child that just appeared.

My dp has been in my daughters life since was 4 , he always refers to her as his daughter and our younger two don’t know he isn’t her bio dad . Her bio dad abandoned her completely, so I think sometimes the phrase step child isn’t needed .

How often does this situation actually arise? Surely not very often at all to be so worried about it.

does your MIL act like a grandma equally to all 3 kids? Does your eldest call her granny or similar? I think that’s more important and if you want to change her mentality that’s how you tackle it by all calling her ‘granny’

Don’t you think that might be a problem in the future when your youngest realise the genetics isn’t what they assume and they might feel deceived and upset by being misled? (Genuinely curious rather than judging in case my tone is off)

@KarmenPQZ , I have wondered this , but i honestly think the situation is best kept as it is. Dd1 doesn’t want anything to do with bio dad if he crawls out the woodwork. I don’t see how a big reveal of the truth would help anyone.

OP is it because you feel your MIL doesn't see your dd as a grandchild? I'm trying to understand the issue.
Stepchild isn't an insult. It's just a factual descriptor.