Stepchild

[Jadee23]

Hi there

i just wanted some advice please
me and my partner have been married since September 2021
we have three children my oldest is not his biologically but take her as his own.
when my oldest is at my partner’s mums house and she on FaceTime with family or at any of his family events my mil will introduce are kids to family members who haven’t seen them before and say that this is my partner son and daughter (his two youngest who are biologically his) but when she introduces my oldest she will say this is my partner step daughter

it bothers me but some people say I’m overthinking it as she hasn’t know her that long

but I don’t know if I should say something or other people are right and I’m overthinking

That’s fine.

He isn’t her dad though, he is her step dad. MIL is right and I’d do the same. As long as MIL treats your daughter nicely, it’s not an issue. You can’t make you MIL see her as his actual daughter.

Talk to her! Say to her that I’m future can she simply introduce them by name and say they’re her sons children! (Collectively)… tell her it makes your daughter feel upset and excluded. She probably doesn’t even think about it

What do you mean by stroppy?

Honestly your only way forward is to discuss it with her, calmly…
tell her how it makes your DD feel and go from there!
She can’t possibly know without being asked or told

You can’t make someone introduce a step child as a bio child though. If she doesn’t want to, OP and her daughter will have accept that. There’s nothing wrong with being called a step child when you are one.

You haven't said he's got PR and you said partner not husband, so if as anything, step-child is over stating the relationship. If you want him to have PR and he and your daughter agree, sort the paperwork. If you want him to adopt her, ditto. As things stand she is not his daughter in any real sense. If you and partner split up, partner and his Mum could never see her again even if they wanted to, and they wouldn't have any claim to. If you want her to be acknowledged as his daughter, take some steps to make that real. You don't need to revoke her Dad's PR for your partner to also have PR. But that would give him responsibilities towards her regardless of your relationship status. Its not for everyone.

But it is upsetting the child! So she should be introducing her as ‘his child’ there is nothing wrong with saying that!
she’s so much more than a step child and doesn’t need it to be highlighted anymore than I’d introduce my DD as ‘this is my biological daughter’ …. I just wouldn’t feel the need to day it

But she is his stepchild?

What is wrong with saying that?

Do you want everyone to pretend that's not the case?

It's quite difficult to feel the same bond with an older child as one you have seen from a baby, she may never feel as close to your DD and that's ok

Like PP, I agree your MIL isn't doing anything wrong. After all, lots of children would be very upset and angry about their step parent being introduced as their parent, and would appreciate the accuracy. Your MIL isn't to know how your DD feels unless someone tells her.

However, if your DD is not in that category, and finds it upsetting to be introduced as a step daughter rather than a daughter, especially if her bio dad isn't involved, then your DH should politely explain to his mother how your DD feels and ask her not to say it in front of DD. It's her feelings that matter here, not those of any of the adults involved.

The child needs to know that called being a step child isn’t bad. OP is being ridiculous.

A step child is a step child, you can’t make people change their language if they don’t want to, and in this case it’s factual. He’s not her dad.

Rather than asking everyone to lie, why don’t you get to the bottom of why she feels left out? Papering over the cracks won’t solve the issue. Feelings don’t cancel out facts.

No one is ‘making’ someone do anything, the grandmother probably doesn’t even think about it, there is nothing wrong with either OP or her partner requesting that the grandmother refrain from using terms in front of THEIR child..
being a dad is more than DNA

I'm now wondering why mil needs to define the relationship. If she's introducing them to extended family, or longstanding friends, they will have heard of the existence of your kids before they meet them. So "these are Sarah, Bob and Tiffany" should suffice over "this is Sarah Dave's stepdaughter, and Bob and Tiffany his children."

Factual of not it’s not necessary.
people don’t say this is my biological child… these are my ‘adopted’ children… so why the need to highlight ‘oh these aren’t my real children my step children!’

it does seem a bit cruel.. as she gets older she’ll embrace being a ‘step’ child or maybe she won’t, but for now it’s making her feel excluded, like an outsider, it’s sad.
Anyway no harm can come of an honest conversation letting the nan know it upsets the child, then if she still wants to say step then that’s her choice.

Exactly this!!
I don’t introduce my friends as ‘this is Dave, he was adopted’ this is Meg she grew up with one parent etc….
Just find it sad.

I’d be a lot more concerned about your DD seeing your partner as her dad when he hasn’t made any commitment to her.

When a relationship breaks down it’s not at all uncommon for the step-parent to stop having any contact with their non biological children. As you share children, if you broke up that could mean watching your DP come round to collect your youngest for the weekend, leaving your eldest behind. He’s not her father. Don’t set her up for a loss. Why can’t he just be a great stepfather?

Isn't she just preventing quesuons.

If she says this is bobs child, won't people be thinking -hang on that child is 8 and Bob was with Debbie then?

Did he shag new lady sll that time ago? Have an affair. Is this Debbie's kid with him that I've never been told of before?

So this avoids all those sort of thoughts/gossip.

This is the exact same post as posted yesterday with exactly the same responses 😂

I was thinking this too. Why doesn't she just say "and here are the children Sarah, Bob and Tiffany."

I've been the odd one out step child and a step mam and I'd have hated to feel singled out or spotlighted in this way.

I couldn’t get worked up about this, and I say that as someone who is in a similar situation. If DPs mum was to introduce my son she might say “this is X’s son” or she might say “this is X’s stepson”, I really don’t know. Same with SIL.

My DBro is in a similar set up and I’d usually say he has three kids, but if probed further I might say “yeah two step kids and one that is his, but he’s dad to all of them”

Feel left out? She is his step child not his child. It is factual and you are doing her disservice to encourage her to feel hurt over a basic factual statement.

I have 3 children dd1 has been completely dropped by her waste of space bio “ dad”
and she sees dp as her dad . His mum sees all her grand children as the same , and I would be upset if she didn’t .

My daughter and all the family know the deal that she is his stepdaughter
what is I’m trying to say is that it not nice for her to hear when she is introduced as the stepdaughter as it’s just highlighting that

Why is it not nice for her to hear?

There's nothing wrong with being his stepdaughter, it is what she is

It's more important that she is comfortable with her place in the family than that everyone pretends she is his daughter when she isn't

But it's the literal truth! You're barmy if you think it shouldn't be mentioned and an untruth should be perpetuated...