That my friend is taking the P a bit?

[HunkaMunkasslipper]

I moved away from my close friend a few years ago and as such if we see one another we tend to stay over.

He came to visit me last weekend, empty handed. We went out for a meal(both paid for our own) and then came back to mine and watched TV and had a few drinks. He was empty handed. Also ate crisps/nibbles at mine later. He doesn't have a drink problem but he can definitely put away the booze on a night in/out when he does drink!

Whenever I go to his (sometimes with my partner) I take my own food and drink. I seldom even have anything to drink that I didn't take. Sometimes he'll buy some food (as in if it is for a BBQ or such) but last time I went fora BBQ he hadn't bought any bread products! So I was very glad that I'd thought ahead and brought some buns with me. He's GF and happy to just have the meat but me and DP aren't.

And we took our own booze/other drinks
For context he's quite wealthy. Not hugely so but in comparison to me he has no mortgage, lives with partner two wages coming in, can basically afford whatever he wants, well-paid industry.
I live on my own And although I appreciate what I have and am far from skint, compared to him I have to be a lot more careful. My DP lives in shared accommodation and has no savings or assets, so we're worse off.

I worry that if I just turned up empty handed I'd end up nipping to the shop (and paying more as local shops are more expensive!)

Because the bread situation illustrates that he'd probably not have anything in for me. If DP is with me she brings her own things too. It's rare that friends partner is wirh him when he visits as for unrelated reasons she doesn't like coming here but when she does I notice they tend to bring some things with them fof themselves but they still eat my food/drink my booze.

I actually really love hosting and don't mind but I think, financial issues aside it should work both ways?

I don't think hes taking the piss tbh just a bit thoughtless

I wouldn't think to buy non gluten free products if i was gluten free. Its like buying in meat if i was a vegetarian.

I would, if i were hosting a BBQ for other people! But if I didn't want to, in his position I'd definitely say 'can you bring any bread products you want to eat with your burgers/sausages/whatever as I haven't bought any'

I'd not just risk people turning up and then realising that none were supplied, I'd find that so embarrassing! And then them having to potentially leave and go to the shop.. some people would be really irritated at that I think. But yes, you're right that it could be just thoughtless.

Next time he comes, say, looking forward to seeing you, we are all ok for drinks but can you bring some crisps and something for dessert (or similar)?

If hosting, we provide everything (but have no guests that take the piss) but would be surprised if guest didn't bring a bottle of Champagne or other wine or some chocolates. It's the same when we are hosted by others.

Tell him what you’d like him to contribute.

Maybe he thought he'd get tempted and eat all the bread before the bbq, he just sounds thoughtless.

Maybe next time he visits say you haven't got any booze or x, y and z in and does he mind picking some up on his way over?

I don't get all these posts at the moment - there are 3 in active right now. If you invite someone to your house to stay you are the host and should provide for them, it sounds like he is a poor host. Whilst it is nice for a guest to bring a bottle of wine or whatever you cannot expect them to bring all their food with them unless you have an agreement. He sounds thoughtless and disorganised.

I don’t think he’s done anything particularly wrong. I personally would bring a bottle of wine or some flowers or something as a gift for the host, but it’s not ‘taking the P’ if someone doesn’t.

It was your choice to bring your own bread products to the barbecue. He wasn’t obliged to supply bread if he can’t eat it - it’s not like meat at a barbecue HAS to be served in a bun! Pretty normal to have barbecued meat on a plate with salad or whatever. You just wanted bread.

You are choosing to take your own food and drink to his home. You could just eat and drink whatever he usually eats, but you choose not to.

His behaviour sounds more normal than yours tbh.

He likely wouldn't have anything for me to drink at all if I didn't take my own
He'd just have enough for himself/his partner.

He's a friend right?

"Oi Dave, stop off and pick up X Y Z on your way please".

Entirely this. I cant imagine not asking my friend to pick up a bottle of wine en route for us to share and saying if thete is abyrhing ejse you want to drink pick up some of that as well

If hes gluten intolerant he probably doesn't want bread in his house. You do know about cross contamination?

Well, then you sit there until he recognises he has literally nothing to give you, and does something about it, surely?

This thread to me has mainly illustrated how we all have different expectations, standards and ways of doing things. Which is fine.

If I am honest, I have brought this up with him before and he took it in and said he'd be mindful next time. This was 18 months or so ago though and he hasn't-one thing he did say was that he has noticed that when he has a gathering 'everyone' drinks all his booze, they've often got hardly anything left.

I said to him okay fair enough however that 'everyone' never encompasses me/DP! We always bring our own drink/most of our food/anything extra we might need. We took a crate of beer last time and DP only drank a few of them and we left it for friend/partner-that's 'normal' for me I'd say? But then we take our own next time too.

It really doesn't bother me having to provide for guests, at all. But most people who visit, regardless bring enough booze for themselves at least. Unless it is a more formal gathering-and my friendship group tend to have more casual get-togethers most of the time, BBQs or going out for a few drinks/dinner then coming back to base to relax. I don't expect a gift at all, unless It's a formal occasion or a dinner party or such and even then I don't expect it (I always take one though!) but I still feel It's cheeky to turn up, drink all the booze/eat all the food but not reciprocate when the person visits you. I'd never dream of doing that!

The issue is, if I don't take my own/DPs drink, they'd not be anything there for us. So not a case of just doing the same thing back. We pay if they're here, we pay if we go there (or if I go alone).

I take the point about that we just wanted some bread/buns with our meat from the BBQ and the host didn't have to provide those-perhaps that's just us-second thoughts though, if others are invited to a BBQ would they be fine with their being no bread products there for your meat products? Just interested

@InheritedClock what would you do in that scenario? I doubt he'd even notice if I am honest, this particular friend, but what would you do? Wouldn't it feel awkward or am I just odd? I/We (DP not always there) would probably end up going to the local shop to get whatever it was. Which I feel is a bit weird, plus a faff and more expense than if we just brought what we already had.

Next time he’s due to come just tell him to bring whatever he wants to drink as you don’t have much in. It probably just isn’t even occurring to him.

@Maddy70 yes, maybe I should just tell him next time that I've not much in (even if I have) and to bring his own whatever it is. His partner isn't GF though, he does often have bread in the house, so it isn't that.

@KreedKafer I take your point but he'd not have enough for everyone if I did that. I've noticed toward the end of the evening him and his partner have often gone on to drinking what I/we have supplied as their supply has depleted-and fine! They're providing us with the 'venue' for the gathering and I am happy to have them drink some wine (or whatever) that I've bought, however this means that if I didn't take my own drink, they'd likely be nothing I could have, or at least it would just run out before the end of the evening. It's as if he expects to not have to provide, but expects to be provided for.

Another thing he did that annoyed me (sorry I am derailing my own thread now!) is he and his partner invited me over for the day. The plan was to go out, look around the shops, go for some lunch and then some drinks. Great.

When I arrived, I had a coffee with them then asked what the plan was, where we'd go first etc, and friend's partner said 'Oh, we decided not to go out now.'

Would this annoy anyone else or am I a pain in the ass? I was looking forward to a day out. I'd got there at lunchtime ish (as planned) and didn't fancy a day of just sitting about. Plus I'd not taken food/booze with me as I thought we were going out. If that had have been me (and it never would be unless I came down with an illness or something drastic happened) I'd have definitely let my friend know, not just had them turn up and find out that the day we'd planned wasn't happening?

He’s tight! Doesn’t matter how much money he has, he’s just tight!

You’ll have to remind him every time: please BYOB, please bring some food for the lunch/bbq, please bring extra booze as you drank yours and all of ours last time etc.

Maybe you also need to send a text each time before you leave “just checking we’re still on for shopping” or whatever.

This friendship does sound like it’s becoming kind of hard work… If he gets offended at any of the above, or keeps turning up with one arm as long as the other, well you know what you have to do!

@KreedKafer sorry, re read. I am not expecting gifts. I am expecting rightly or wrongly that if he expects me to provide everything when he visits, that it should be reciprocated when I visit, not 'host provides everything when I am a guest at their house but I provide nothing for them when they're the guest at my house'.

I have also never in my whole 40 odd years on this planet gone to a BBQ where not buns/wraps/bread was available for the burgers or meat to go into.

He doesn't ask me/me and DP to bring out own, it is just expected that we do (or he expects us to not drink anything, I suppose).

@Maddy70 he isn't coeliac, just GF and he does have gluten containing products in the house as his partner eats them. No need for snippy comments, of course I am aware of cross contamination.

Next time you go to his. Go empty handed and don't go to the shop. See what happens

Maybe I could take stuff and leave it in my car and pretend I hadn't brought anything and see what he does I wouldn't want to risk having to starve/stay sober all day (of course I am okay with being sober but I wouldn't fancy it at a BBQ where literally everyone else is getting merry, for example)!

Don’t invite him then - honestly you sound quite mean.

The other guests at his BBQ- what do they do?

It sounds as if he's generally annoying you - perhaps you feel there's more effort in the friendship coming from your side than his?
I agree with some PP that with a close friend you should be able to tell them what you want. With regard to the drink scenario in the OP you could perhaps have stopped at a shop on the way home from the meal and asked him to buy whatever he wanted to drink.