That my friend is taking the P a bit?

[HunkaMunkasslipper]

I moved away from my close friend a few years ago and as such if we see one another we tend to stay over.

He came to visit me last weekend, empty handed. We went out for a meal(both paid for our own) and then came back to mine and watched TV and had a few drinks. He was empty handed. Also ate crisps/nibbles at mine later. He doesn't have a drink problem but he can definitely put away the booze on a night in/out when he does drink!

Whenever I go to his (sometimes with my partner) I take my own food and drink. I seldom even have anything to drink that I didn't take. Sometimes he'll buy some food (as in if it is for a BBQ or such) but last time I went fora BBQ he hadn't bought any bread products! So I was very glad that I'd thought ahead and brought some buns with me. He's GF and happy to just have the meat but me and DP aren't.

And we took our own booze/other drinks
For context he's quite wealthy. Not hugely so but in comparison to me he has no mortgage, lives with partner two wages coming in, can basically afford whatever he wants, well-paid industry.
I live on my own And although I appreciate what I have and am far from skint, compared to him I have to be a lot more careful. My DP lives in shared accommodation and has no savings or assets, so we're worse off.

I worry that if I just turned up empty handed I'd end up nipping to the shop (and paying more as local shops are more expensive!)

Because the bread situation illustrates that he'd probably not have anything in for me. If DP is with me she brings her own things too. It's rare that friends partner is wirh him when he visits as for unrelated reasons she doesn't like coming here but when she does I notice they tend to bring some things with them fof themselves but they still eat my food/drink my booze.

I actually really love hosting and don't mind but I think, financial issues aside it should work both ways?

When he gets them a drink look despondent and say "ill have one please "

For context he's quite wealthy

I hear/read this quite a bit when someone is discussing skinflint miserly ways

Surely it occurs to more than me that some people may have seemingly more money because well, they don’t spend their own & expect others to fund them?

I know someone with electronics galore & an expensive musical instrument habit funded by leaching off others - food, drink, clothes, even showering 😂

Using others’ money & effort to save your own is not nice for a friend to do and quite repulsive in a relationship

We never have bread products at our BBQs!! I didn’t realise it was such a faux pas! We usually have steak, chicken, seafood/fish and salad.

I think if you want something specific you should bring it. I’d always take a bottle of wine though.

I think you’re getting an insight into why he’s got lots of money!
Of course you should think about your guests when they come to stay. He doesn’t appear to make any effort at all.

I would dial back on the amount of drink and snacks you're providing, it does sound like you're being very generous and it's not being reciprocated. I wonder if your friend is a little disorganised and hasn't been made to think ahead as you normally bring things with you. Have you ever turned up empty handed and asked for a drink? If he realised he had nothing in, would he not just nip to the shop? My DH wouldn't think twice about inviting his friends over, not buy anything extra in advance but then ask everyone what they wanted and if we don't have it in, he would go to the shop. Likewise he would turn up to a friend's house empty handed but then nip to the shop to buy drinks and snacks.

This friendship sounds very one sided. Makes no effort to look after you at all. He honours you with his presence and that's enough. Sounds like you've had enough.

I totally agree with this, but OP claims to love hosting but then seems to begrudge providing for a guest. I don’t understand all these people who have an issue with providing food and drinks when having people to stay. If you aren’t prepared to do that, don’t have them round/to stay!

I'm mean for providing for him everything when he comes here and providing for me, again everything when I go there?

No shops on the way home from the restaurant we went to, literally 5 mins from my house and too late for any close shops to be open, wine meaning driving not an option.

The other guests vary, when it comes to visiting his, some bring their own but not much and drink his, some according to what he said in last year's conversation, don't bring anything at all, drink/eat all his and then he's in the past moved onto drinking a lot of what I/we have brought.

I do not begrudge providing for guests, any guest.
I feel it should either A) Be host provides all every time, but both ways around or,

B) Guest always takes their own, both ways around.

Not, host provides everything when guest comes to theirs and (same) host, when a guest at their previous guest's house, provides everything for themselves then too.

Sorry last part was to @Toooldtopretend .

@BabySnarkDoDoo no I've never done that. But I am very prepared and I'd hate to be in that position. I don't think he'd go and get anything. Perhaps as a PP has said, he's got too used to me/us always bringing what we want and him not needing to provide.

I think I'll just scale it back as others have said.

If he's coming here I'll say to him 'I've not got much in, can you bring whatever you might need to drink'.

I'm not able to bring myself to say food too, I WOULD just feel too mean with that. When he came here last time I made potato Wedges (mine are his favourite!) And got GF snacks and GF bread for toast in the morning too. I'd have been mortified had he wanted something in the morning and me not have had anything. I think that's just me. And I don't really want to change that, is that wrong? Should I have the balls attitude to say 'sorry I've not got anything, you'll have to do without/drive to shop'?

But when he told you that last year about everyone drinking his booze that was the perfect opportunity to say but that's what you do when you come to my house! You never bring anything and you drink and eat everything in sight.

I'd said that already, that's how the conversation started. And when he retaliated with that I said it most definitely wasn't me/DP. He agreed to be mindful after that. The next time he came him and his DP did bring things with them (which I'm assuming was her doing) but he's been twice since then and same as he always was, bringing nothing and me providing.

I would always take plenty drink and nibbles with me to a friends’ and my friends tend to do the same. So yes, he’s being tight.

My DH has moaned about me forgetting to buy bread before - I don’t eat it very often and do occasionally forget. I wouldn’t host a bbq and not but any though!

Thats what I mean @MrsB74 , it should work both ways.

I'd never host a BBQ without being mindful of what people may want, either. It's about your guests IMO, not about what you would just normally want to eat.

I get that. I’m surprised by some people’s standards - I would never dream of not having sufficient food and drink in when hosting. Sometimes I do think people who are oblivious must live very relaxed and untroubled lives, not stressing about such things!

My group of friends always message and ask what they can contribute. I think you’ll have to be more blunt with this one - specify what they can contribute at yours and maybe decline invites to theirs for a while and wait to hear what happens when supplies run out!!

He's mean and thoughtless.
Spell it out to him if you insist on seeing him.
"You need to bring X, Y, Z for your visit.
He has forced the issue.

I would get the Ick for the friendship, I have zero tolerance for meanness though.

I don't think your way of doing things is wrong at all, and agree that hospitality should work both ways. I agree it's very odd to have a BBQ and not provide bread or think that other guests may want to be pre-warned there won't be any. As you say it's a case that people's expectations are different. For example, when my friends get together, we always bring something with us or will take it in turn buying rounds, etc. However, my Mum seems to get offended if I bring food and drink over to her's and always sends it back with me.

I think if his lack of hospitality is overshadowing the enjoyment you get from spending time with him then it may be time to let the friendship fizzle out.

If I invited a friend over for a weekend I wouldn't expect them to bring anything with them other than themselves. He paid for his own meal when out, I guess he could have paid for yours as a gesture due to your hosting but otherwise no I don't think he's taking the P.

He provided the meat for the BBQ at his so again he is maybe being a bit thoughtless not getting bread but not exactly taking the P. But if it is bothering you , and it does sound like you are getting very annoyed, maybe it's time to drift away from each other.

I will probably get jumped on for this but I think it’s not surprising that your friend is a man. In my experience they are thoughtless with this kind of thing and women are often better hosts. When I have gatherings the women usually ask if they can bring anything or just bring stuff along, whereas men turn up empty handed. Or you get to their house and they are underprepared. I feel it’s something women add to the mental load that men don’t have. Of course a massive generalisation and just my opinion from my experiences!

Three possibilities:

1. He is just mean/stingy/a scrounger.

1. He is thoughtless. As another poster has said its a bit of a bloke thing to take being fed and watered for granted (grrrr) but not the other way around. I also think sometimes with well off people they think food and drink costs next to nothing (to them it's a drop in the ocean) so think nothing of consuming stuff purchased by others or guests buying their own because it seems so small and inconsequential.

1. He is secretly very chippy about his wealth and suspicious that others will try and assume he will subsidise them. And to avoid that he's gone too far the other way in that overall he's not even paying his way. I've known a few people like that including a very well off friend who would split down to the penny as she seemed very agitated that no one would get one over on her!

How do men cope running so many businesses, organisations and countries even when they are so thoughtless, underprepared, disorganised and have women all over the place just choosing to be negatively impacted by whatever behaviour they opt to engage in?

Or is it a bit mean to ask 😂

If I invited a friend over for a weekend I wouldn't expect them to bring anything with them other than themselves.

I don't, but by that approach I'd also not expect to have to provide for myself at the same person's when It's their 'turn' to host. I didn't expect him to pay for my meal.

Perhaps crucially, of the other people in our friendship group, they rarely host. In my old hometown gatherings are at the friend's whom I speak about, they don't really come here other than friend's partner (and she is occasionally!) because I moved away.-so this dynamic is unique to me and him, not so relevant what other friend's do at his.

@Shan5474 unfortunately I do tend to agree although hopefully the younger generation are improving this. When friend brings his partner (rarely) they do bring things for themselves then. I think she has an influence.

Why would ypu be embarrassed about an allergy.

I wouldnt be buying in products that can contaminate the other food products and make me ill.

Knock this so called friendship on the head. Move on you must have other friends. Sounds like he does not have any thoughts about his guests or is it just you.