I fear my marriage is in danger

[Lilly242]

Changing name for this. I've been married for just over 6years now, been together 8 years, no children. I'm 36 and hes 35. We fell deep for each other and were so sure of marriage (both christians). He's loving, caring and romantic in so many ways, always has my back infront of family and friends, reminds me how smart and beautiful I am daily. But despite all of this, there a few things have become thorns in my marriage:

He is lazy and complacent, in most areas of life. He completed masters but struggled to find his feet straight after and has been in a£28k salary job for the past 3 years. Whenever I mention finding a better job to help us achieve our goals ie get mortgage for house, travel, have children, and also go for a job that reflects his education because I do feel he should be in higher paid roles. He becomes overwhelmed and says he doesnt feel smart enough for higher paid jobs. This is a constant cycle. Last year he enrolled onto a course to up skill himself, we paid £700 but he never completed it. I do beleive him as it's tough when you dont believe in yourself.

Hes gained so much weight from from over eating over the years, if we go out anywhere within an hour he'll start to complain about pain in feet, back etc. I'll be lying if i said I still find him sexually attractive ( I still love him) and I remind him that he is choosing to increase the risk of making me a widow young by the lifestyle he is living. Also we dont have a sexual relationship, as he has phimosis (tight foreskin) which causes performance issues for him, i only found this out after marriage as we decided to keep intimate relationship for after marriage. Despite me nagging him to get help for years, he only decided to get himself referred a year ago. Hes been for a med assessment and the medic concluded that it is slightly tight, but not to the point where it should cause issues in the bedroom. I feel this is the case and most of it is the anxiety of feeling discomfort which then effects his performance. Hes been referred for psychological help but they closed him saying its physical. Catch 22. Hes now on waiting list to have circumcision on NHS. Because of this we've not been able to have children.

Lastly, as mentioned above hes lazy around the house, I have to nag him to get some household jobs done, doesnt deliver promises made, is financially careless. Weve had many many fights over these issues. He clearly has some commitment issues and I suspect hidden depression which is root cause but he denies it. As much as I try and remind myself to be patient and give time, I find myself in deep rabbit hole questioning my life decisions. I still love him, but I can't help but feel undervalued in this marriage and feel I'm wasting my time. My biological clock is ticking and already behind a few years with having children, and who knows how long more it's going to take.

Please tell me if I'm being an unreasonable and need to be more patient in our marriage

He sounds like he has many issues including depression.

I think he is being unfair and untruthful to you about having children and being a committed partner.

I would recommend martial counselling and individual counselling.

Both will help you understand what you want for the future

I fear that you are a nurse with a purse to him. You earn more, you are more motivated, he isn't even motivated to sort himself out so you can have sex which is, frankly, a huge red flag given you waited till marriage. Have you ever had sex? Does he focus on intimacy and your enjoyment if he cannot have penetrative sex? You sound like a carer, not a wife.

You may not have children if you stay with him. That’s really sad.

You've caught a dud. Whatever reasons there are, it doesn't change the fact that you're married to a man who isn't seeking to resolve big issues in your marriage.

Let's be clear - you mentioned children, mortgages - he is showing you very clearly he doesn't want that. He's reluctant to resolve his willy problems which sounds to be more an excuse that a problem, he won't apply for jobs or even complete the training that he buys to do this. Lazy, financially careless, unambitious? He's showing you very clearly who he is and you aren't listening.

And he lucked out on the 'no try before you buy' Christian ethos didn't he? He's very good at keeping up a facade to friends and family by saying the right things but this stops at the front door doesn't it...

Sorry OP. I suspect this isn't much of a dilemma - this man isn't daddy material and if you want kids, you need to go and make that happen.

He’s probably not a bad person but at the same time he’s clearly disappointing you by not giving you enough respect to put in the effort to fix his issues. Focus on how he is making you feel when you come to make any decisions or raise an ultimatum as may be needed. You can deal with his quirks and his wappy willy but it’s going to require he has enough respect for you to pull himself up by the bootstraps and be the man you deserve!

On the one hand he’s obviously got a lot of issues that maybe he hid / wasn’t transparent about before marriage (he hit the jackpot with you, you got the short end of the straw). HOWEVER if he’s not even trying to help himself over so many years, almost a decade, then my sympathy for him stops and my sadness for you grows.

Theres not much from what you described that sounds like a catch, a partner, or a father I’d want for my children. So no, I don’t think your unreasonable and I think you’ve given more than most, for longer than most in your position. If you want children, go and have children because they won’t always be an option, whereas he could still be in the same position another 10 years from now. You’d be doing it alone anyway by the sounds of it but I’m sure you could meet literally anyone else who would at least support and fulfil you more than he has. It’s not been a marriage it sounds like you’re his carer and the thing you want most he’s never going to give you is he?

He needs to address all his issues, in order to do that he needs to acknowledge it all first. I think marital counselling for both of you is the way forward. You need a space to be really honest and he needs to open up about why he is this way.

I can't see any good reason to stay in this marriage. I'd be cutting my losses and moving on. He might be a nice enough guy, but is not life partner material - I'd rather be alone than with someone like this.

Your religious beliefs might prevent you though, which would be very sad.

Is he even Christian really, or did he just use that story so you couldn't try before you buy because he knew he didn't want to have sex?

None of this is going to change OP. If he hasn’t sorted out the sex issue yet he’s never going to and obviously isn’t bothered. Sounds like he’s just making excuses as well if the doctor didn’t think it would stop him having sex. The fact he didn’t tell you this before marriage is terrible as well! Even if he magically sorts this out wouldn’t it be really awkward and weird to start having sex 8 years into your relationship?!

Likewise if he hasn’t persued a higher paying job yet he’s probably not going to, he’s comfortable where he is.

I would have an honest discussion with him and tell him you are not happy with the above issues and are thinking of separating. If you stay with him you won’t have children I don’t think and you’ll likely grow very resentful.

This man has conned you and played you from the beginning.

You need to leave him. I would do so immediately.

I think the really stark message is that you won’t have kids with him. And if you did, he certainly wouldn’t change his behaviour as he seems unable to without the added pressure of a baby. It’s very sad but ultimately you need to look after yourself and that’s not a selfish act. It’s an act of self preservation.

I feel like you probably love him by habit rather than by virtue. For me, there are too many issues in this relationship, all caused simply by the kind of person he is. At 35yrs old, that is unlikely to change.

Op, this isn't a marriage.

Run. I've wasted 10 years on a man similar to your partner- there's always an excuse and I've had enough.

He lied to you, saying he wanted and was capable of having children. He now is saying he has a physical illness that prevents him having any sexual contact whatsoever? That seems like a total deal breaker. I honestly think you should leave him. He is not capable of fulfilling any of your needs and seemingly doesn't particularly care. You deserve so much better.

If you want a family there is no way possible that you can stay with your husband. He won't have sex with you, and that's clearly not going to change. I think you need to consider the possibility that your husband is asexual or even gay and that you are his beard. Your marriage is fraudulent. He has duped you.

Ummm. Delicate question but have you actually had penetrative sex since you've been married? If not your marriage is considered "voidable".

How would you take ML if you had to rely on his salary? How would you expect any help or equal sharing of parenting if he can't even do the basics? How many years do you wait before you realise your clock is ticking very fast and each month you have missed another chance? This is all before even having a child. I would say leave now. He could sort himself out in the next 2-3 years, leave you and go on to have kids but for you it could be well and truly over.

It sounds like he had relevant information that you weren’t party to before you married, that he deliberately didn’t share (sexual dysfunction) as he wanted the perks of marriage. He has now got these perks, so feels he needs to do nothing else.

i have seen this play out in another persons life. The guy was ‘let go’ by his employer a few weeks before his marriage ( in his early 20’s). He sat back and never worked schijn while his wife ran around earning. It was a complete mess. She should have got out far earlier than she did.

All marriages have some bad patches, but if you've been unhappy with these issues for six years, that's most of your relationship that he's failed to address weight, employment and sexual dysfunction despite you repeatedly asking him and expressing your concern. It's not fair on you to be with someone who refuses to respond to your needs indefinitely.

Throw this one back in OP - he isn't the one for you.

All I can say to that is he isn't behaving like a Christian. How religious is he really? Or is it the case that you are and he pretended to be because it suited his purpose?

He reminds me of those women who go to church on Sunday in their fancy hats and then spend the rest of the week bitching about other people.

that is a really sad post to read OP.

This marriage is not giving you anything.

He obviously needs counselling and treatment, for depression, for his foreskin issues, for his lack of self worth.
I do think it is possible that if he committed to counselling, then he could change, but that is a veyr big IF.

So I would be sitting down with him and saying - marriage counselling, individual counselling and action, or the marriage is over. 6 months to action those or that's it. Otherwise you are looking to a long lonely future and no kids either.

You say you are both Christians, is there anyone in your church who would help you talk this through? Many churches have pastoral support/counsellors available. That may be a first step. BUT I also know of churches which would not be helpful - they would be taking the line of you are married so deal with it. Choose carefully.

There is no reason to stay in this unfullfilling marriage. Time to call it quits.

You don't get sex, resent his low earnings and he doesn't pull his weight with housework, shopping cooking or life planning. Plus you don't find him attractive. He's running a long con on you re children.

Is it your religion that makes you feel the commitment of marriage should be stuck to or do you genuinely believe he will change and become the man you believed him to be with the future he actually promised you?

He's broken your marriage vows he has not loved or honoured you he's lied and conned you.