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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for what

44 replies

ivise · 21/05/2024 08:22

Am I being unreasonable to wonder why is my friend never chips in for drinks or anything when we hang out . We mainly meet up at mine , sometimes at hers but very rarely. We have a few drinks. I usually offer her a dinner ,which I don't mind as I am cooking anyways . But it's started to bother me that she rarely offers to pay for drinks. She always makes some excuse ,it's always seems to be when she is with me she doesn't want to chip in . We both want to have a drink ,not like I am forcing her but she rarely offers to pay and I feel shy to ask her . I almost feel like I need her to hang out with me 😄 . I know it might sound stupid but in my perfect scenario friends would split the costs of drinks or bring drink for themselves , unless I say dw about it . I feel a bit used I don't know maybe I am overeating

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 21/05/2024 08:23

Pay for drinks at your own house?

FiveGuyPastry · 21/05/2024 08:25

What does she do if you meet not at home? In a cafe or bar?

HelenHen · 21/05/2024 08:25

ivise · 21/05/2024 08:22

Am I being unreasonable to wonder why is my friend never chips in for drinks or anything when we hang out . We mainly meet up at mine , sometimes at hers but very rarely. We have a few drinks. I usually offer her a dinner ,which I don't mind as I am cooking anyways . But it's started to bother me that she rarely offers to pay for drinks. She always makes some excuse ,it's always seems to be when she is with me she doesn't want to chip in . We both want to have a drink ,not like I am forcing her but she rarely offers to pay and I feel shy to ask her . I almost feel like I need her to hang out with me 😄 . I know it might sound stupid but in my perfect scenario friends would split the costs of drinks or bring drink for themselves , unless I say dw about it . I feel a bit used I don't know maybe I am overeating

Can you try to go to hers more often? And drink her drink?

Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 08:27

@FiveGuyPastry we never meet up outside . I can't even remember last time we did , if we did it was at park with kids .
We used to just hang out at mine mostly for few hrs every other week

OP posts:
Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 08:28

@HelenHen she doesn't really invite me that often and whenever I come she doesn't offers me a drink it's again me who brings my own , because I think it's polite but if I don't she doesn't really offer, very very rarely

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/05/2024 08:30

How’s her financial situation, do you know?

Newmumatlast · 21/05/2024 08:32

When you say you bring your own to hers, are we talking alcoholic drinks? If it's just squash or tea I think it's odd to expect someone to pay or for you to bring your own. If alcohol/something that's a treat then if expect to bring some to the person who is hosting. Have the conversation with her. Just say it's costing me a lot and could we perhaps do a kitty for me to get our drinks with or bring a bottle when we go to one another's house. If it's just normal drinks though don't raise it because I think it would seem odd. Just say no more to suggestions to meet at yours and suggest it is her turn.

Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 08:35

@Newmumatlast yes it's alcoholic drinks . I just feel like I am always hosting and she never brings a drink with her knowing very well we always like to have a few .I don't say always of if I say I am hosting then no I don't expect but when we both decide to hang out I would love for her to bring her drink or we both split the costs of that makes sense

OP posts:
Bumblebeeinatree · 21/05/2024 08:36

Just say come for dinner and bring a bottle.

Sparkletastic · 21/05/2024 08:37

Do you mean booze? If so stop offering it.

Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 08:38

@Bumblebeeinatree I have mentioned before but she seems to have an excuse most of the time and I just end up paying for us . That is why I am starting to think she is just used to that now and doesn't bother because she knows I will pay 😄

OP posts:
Eggmoobean · 21/05/2024 08:38

Ask her to pick up drinks on her way round.

JoniBlue · 21/05/2024 08:38

Just offer a cup of tea?

Revelatio · 21/05/2024 08:40

Just stop offering her alcoholic drinks. Have a tea or coffee etc. You’ll soon see how often she comes round then (if it’s just to see you or get free drinks).

If she says ‘oh do you have any wine?’. Just say, ‘no, did you bring any?’.

She may just think you like to be generous. If you keep doing the same thing you’ll keep getting the same results.

Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 08:41

@Revelatio I probably will have to just do that , seems so silly tho but I guess no other choice 😄

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 21/05/2024 08:41

Is she fussed about drinking? What if you didn't offer her one, would she ask?

Next time she is coming to yours ask her to bring a bottle if she fancies a glass of wine, seems fair enough as it is a bit off to turn up empty handed every time.

mondaytosunday · 21/05/2024 08:47

Next time just say 'oh I haven't been out could you bring a couple bottles of wine'? Or how about I come round to yours this time', and show up empty handed. It's a rare person who enjoys alcohol not to have something in. That will resolve that at least once or twice and maybe maybe she'll get the hint.
A friend and I meet up most weeks at each others house for a pre dinner drink (I don't stay for dinner), and we tend to alternate houses. We ALWAYS bring a bottle, and always have wine on hand too, and usually some crisps or nuts to nibble on.

JJathome · 21/05/2024 08:56

We have a friend who does this. I’m finding it annoying and bemusing, she is very comfortably off financially, but is tight. I can’t imagine going to someone’s home repeatedly and not contributing. It is simply rude. She asks to come over too. I’ve started saying no.

its an odd one, I don’t grudge her the drinks, it isn’t a financial issue, but I do feel it is polite to bring something with you or to offer to chip in if getting a takeaway, it’s the rudeness that is bothering me, rather than the actual money, the expectation we will continually provide for her.

if I’m going to a friends I always take drinks with me, always, more than I would drink, and if getting a takeaway I insist on chipping in. She sees all this but doesn’t follow suit. On the occasional time she will bring booze, she drinks what’s In the fridge then takes hers home untouched the next day. I honestly can’t get my head round it, pay your way ffs.

Original poster
ivise · 21/05/2024 09:05

@JJathome couldn't agree more,this is what I am noticing . And I feel I don't need to tell a grown woman how to do things, it's annoying and puts us in awkward position. She has done this with other gatherings where people bring their own drinks or snacks and she just comes empty handed and it's so annoying . If you don't offer or invite than again puts you in awkward position 😄

OP posts:
JJathome · 21/05/2024 09:54

Agree , it’s an awkward one, as it isn’t about the money. It’s about the rudeness and entitlement. And you’re put in a position where if you say something you’re basically saying can I have 10 or 20 quid. Or I grudge providing you with food and drink

thing is she sees us all turning up with booze and flowers etc, in the very very rare occasion she hosts we bring stuff, she sees everyone turning up at others houses with stuff, and she will bring sruff if it’s a group event, but she drinks everyone else’s snd then goes and gets hers and takes if home the next day.

we have one friend who is really skint, she will bring something small and random that she got cheap, like some cider or something, and we will feed her food and drink all night, as it’s not about the money.

It’s the entitlement and refusing to contribute.

this woman who doesn’t contribute is mortgage free and genuinely earns a six figure salary, no debt, no kids, and when you see her leaving with her bottle of wine in her hand the next day you do think bloody hell, who does that.

CoffeeCantata · 21/05/2024 10:13

It's very bad manners to turn up to someone's house for an evening empty-handed. If she's coming round for drinks and/or a meal, she should bring a bottle.

For those saying that she might be skint - that's no excuse for sponging.

CoffeeCantata · 21/05/2024 10:15

Revelatio · Today 08:40
Just stop offering her alcoholic drinks. Have a tea or coffee etc. You’ll soon see how often she comes round then (if it’s just to see you or get free drinks).

If she says ‘oh do you have any wine?’. Just say, ‘no, did you bring any?’.

Perfect!

Toooldforthis36 · 21/05/2024 10:20

So when she comes next , text her “could you pick up a bottle on your way round, I’m all out/forgot to pick up - but I’ve got loads of food/nibbles so don’t worry about those”

drusth · 21/05/2024 10:23

Oh my goodness put a stop to this! Text her a mini list of things she needs to bring for the next catch up. If she turns up empty handed or with 1 can for her, never invite her again.

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2024 10:25

Simple you send a message before she comes round saying “Hi X, it’s spag bol for dinner this eve, do you want to pick up a bottle of wine on your way round to go with it? Looking forward to seeing you.”