Who pays for what

[ivise]

Am I being unreasonable to wonder why is my friend never chips in for drinks or anything when we hang out . We mainly meet up at mine , sometimes at hers but very rarely. We have a few drinks. I usually offer her a dinner ,which I don't mind as I am cooking anyways . But it's started to bother me that she rarely offers to pay for drinks. She always makes some excuse ,it's always seems to be when she is with me she doesn't want to chip in . We both want to have a drink ,not like I am forcing her but she rarely offers to pay and I feel shy to ask her . I almost feel like I need her to hang out with me 😄 . I know it might sound stupid but in my perfect scenario friends would split the costs of drinks or bring drink for themselves , unless I say dw about it . I feel a bit used I don't know maybe I am overeating

I’m in a similar situation, my friend often suggests coming to my house and we’ll sometimes get through a couple of bottles of wine, she never ever brings her own drink. Then the CF invited me to her house next weekend and asked “when you pick up that wine that you like will you bring an extra for me” (I highly doubt that she’s planning to give me the money for it, she’s never offered a penny for anything before).

I’m thinking of turning up empty handed and saying that I didn’t have time to go to the shop and that I’m happy to drink water!

I’m not a tight host, but IMO it’s rude when there’s an expectation there that you’ll provide drinks and it’s never reciprocated.

Definitely turn up empty handed, the cheeky bitch!

Can you not text her and ask her why she doesn't bring wine to yours but expects you to bring wine to hers?

@Isitteatime send her a link to online delivery, say you won’t have time to go to shop, can she order yours too while she’s at it.

cheeky cow

So annoying. I've known people like this. Turn up at our house, eat our food and drink our wine. We go to theirs, offered nothing, popped to shop to get wine which they cheerfully shared too. Guess what, we rarely see them now. No idea what their thought process is. Once or twice OK but after that it would really grate and outweigh the benefit of their company.

She may just think you like to be generous.

Not as likely as she likes to be mean.

On the occasional time she will bring booze, she drinks what’s In the fridge then takes hers home untouched the next day.

I'd put it out of sight then. If she says "I didn't drink it" then I'd ask whose she did drink.

If you're going out I'd say before you go (maybe in a text if easier) that you can't afford to buy rounds tonight because you've had an unexpected bill or similar so we'll buy our own drinks if that's okay.

The one who takes her wwine home again...
At the end of the evening, hide ALL of the alcohol. Every last bottle.
If she can't find it in the fridge, it's unlikely she'll ask for it because she knows full well she's a CF

I find this to be the height of rudeness. I have never, ever turned up for a meal at someone's house empty handed. I always ask "what should I bring?". Most good hosts just say "nothing we're fine" or "just bring yourself!" but I will always pick up a bottle of wine or some flowers or chocolates.

I have a friend who turns up with nothing every single time. She sometimes asks what she should bring and when I say nothing she takes it literally! I rarely invite her anymore for that reason.

If someone is cooking for / entertaining you then you take a bottle (usually of whatever you drink) with you.

If it's a bit more fancy than a mid-week tea (i.e. dinner party) then you take flowers or chocolates for the host too (and maybe an extra bottle).

If you meet for dinner you split the bill 50/50 unless it's a birthday / one person has offered to pay and the other one gets the bill next time.

Is it just me or is this just fairly basic and obvious social etiquette? There seem to be so many people out there (I know a few of them!!!) who have no clue how to behave in social situations like this!

Next time message her saying, I've got the food, can you bring over some wine to share. If she doesn't bring any, then only offer soft drinks/tea etc. She'll realise that no ones going to buy it, and she misses out too. It's really tight behaviour.

I've found that with people like this it isn't an isolated 'blind spot' in an otherwise genuinely nice person - it is an indication of the more negative traits lurk beneath.

I suspect you'll see more of them when you start gently pushing back on the expectation that you provide all the food and drinks and she just has to provide herself. Lots of suggestions already on how to do that.

Either think of your supplying the alcohol as a Tax for the pleasure of her company, or offer hot drinks or text her the night before to bring her alcohol with her.
I wonder if she would turn up if you declared you were detoxing or such like, and not buying alcohol.

Think I'd say, want to come around Thursday? I'll provide the food, will you grab a bottle of wine on the way. If she arrived empty handed say no u don't have any wine that's why you asked her to grab some on the way and be steadfast. Same the next time and the next time etc

Arrive with a breezy: “How lovely to see you CF! I totally I ran out of time to get to the shop. Happy to drink whatever you have in”

No, that's unreasonable.
just because you still take something if the host says not to, doesn't mean that someone is a CF because they take you at yyour word when you say not to bring anything.
In fact, the reason she never brings anything is most likely because you say not to whenever she asks!!

Just tell her

I'll cook you bring the wine. Then only serve pop if she doesn't come with any .

So I would probbaly say someyhing like, shallnwe go out to eat and drink, if she says no, say ok I can host I dont mind buying the food if you buy the wine. Or say, Im going to stop at tesco and get hs some bits for tonight, but im running low on funds so lets go halves and Ill let you know how much it is. My husband has a story about a friend of his that pleaded poverty but loved golf, always said he was too broke to pay so for two years my husband paid for weekly golf game for them both. Then one day the guy announces he's off on his dream round the world travelling trip and told my husband he'd been saving for two years for it. Needless to say that was the last time they spoke. Some people are just selfish.

I agree, if you have said not to bring anything then why would someone bring something. I might still bring something if I knew I would be drinking a boytle of eine to myself but really why say dont bring if you mean bring. Thats too confusing.