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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have allowed the debt to get so high

44 replies

Berlin86 · 21/05/2024 07:52

My partner has racked up £16,000 in debt in my name and pays the bare minimum off this debt each month.

We live in a 2 bedroom house which is in my name. It’s solely down to me to move to a bigger house. I’m good with money. Don’t spend any money unless I have to and save what I can. We have been together for 10 years but I didn’t want a mortgage with him and will never because he has gambling problems (which is apparently behind him)

Problem is we have a 2.5 yo and I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I’m also self employed and a SAHM.

Partner pays £800 towards bills and buys his own food while I pay for house improvements, mine and toddlers food and general stuff for house. I pick up the cost of swimming, parking, petrol, toddler groups and of course take a hit on my income.

We sleep in different rooms. I’m co sleeping with DD and will have new born with me when he arrives as well. Very cramped as you can imagine.

Problem I have is resentment has built up and I’m laying awake most nights feeling stagnant. Being on maternity allowance and having a partner who spends his money mainly on himself (cigarettes, take out and going to the pub) has made me seriously think that I’d be better off doing this alone but what holds me back is the thought of losing that control I have over the children’s upbringing.

YABU-It’s your own fault for lending him that money and see it out till he’s paid it off and things will improve
Or
YANBU- Split up, life will always be hard with this type of guy?

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 21/05/2024 07:55

YANBU. It’s going to get worse if you stay with him.

LIZS · 21/05/2024 07:57

Why is it in your name , not his? Did you know?

LittleBearPad · 21/05/2024 07:57

What does he actually bring to your life?

BusyCM · 21/05/2024 07:58

I'm gobsmacked that you're only just having this realisation now.... Gate... horse...bolted... springs to mind!

Rabbitrabbits · 21/05/2024 07:58

Do not marry him.

How much does he earn?
I would discuss him paying off the debt asap. Maybe say we can move once it’s done, tempt him with some reason he would like to move. A garage or hobby room or some other thing he really wants. Close to the pub or the bookies or whatever floats his boat.

Then once it’s paid off - dump him.

bluejelly · 21/05/2024 07:59

Gambling is the pits. I think if you left him you would feel a huge sense of relief.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 21/05/2024 07:59

If you had a friend in this situation what would you advise?

Get rid of this millstone around your neck, he is weighing you down and slowly drowning you.

SeatonCarew · 21/05/2024 08:00

LittleBearPad · 21/05/2024 07:57

What does he actually bring to your life?

Sperm. And debt.

MuggleMe · 21/05/2024 08:02

Surely if he has money to spare he needs to be repaying your debt much much more quickly.

I'd be furious if he's squandering money on cigarettes when he owes you £16k.

I'd probably suggest you stay while baby is tiny, until you can reasonably cope alone.

TeaKitten · 21/05/2024 08:02

Why is the debt in your name? Honestly OP you have children now, time to stop being a mug and kick this looser out. You need to model good behaviour and relationships to the kids you’ve made and give yourself a shot at having a decent life.

AgentJohnson · 21/05/2024 08:02

How is his debt, in your name? You’ve either been silly or he has committed fraud.

Stop waiting for him to change, this is who he is.

therejustbarely · 21/05/2024 08:04

You have little control over their upbringing now, op! You might as well break up so you don't get more debt in your name. I'd be shocked if he isn't hiding more anyway.

Original poster
Berlin86 · 21/05/2024 08:09

This isn't the first time he's borrowed money from me. He uses my credit because he's got bad credit.
He's always paid it back in the past and I'm sure he'd pay this back.
The relationship is ruined because I see him as the sole reason we aren't able to get a bigger house.
Im watching him spend £100s on himself each month in the pub instead of prioritising this debt.
To move house I need this debt gone. I've done a good job of over paying my mortgage as and when I can on maternity so I could cover the costs on my own without him.

Just the thought of losing my kids every other weekend or something over this has got me thinking I should give him a chance to pay it off and see if it improves

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 21/05/2024 08:09

Based on your OP - Yabu and yanbu

It was your choice/"fault" to lend this useless turd money.Even if you hadnt lent him 16k he would still be a deadbeat. Take control of the debt and assume you will have to repay some or all of it. Also please learn your lesson on this one.

nevertheless you have/ will have 2 children who shouldnt be exposed to his crap parenting. Well done for not marrying this man - you can retain your assets.
Kick him out and live your best life without him weighing you down. File for cms immediately and dont feel one drop of doubt or guilt.

therejustbarely · 21/05/2024 08:12

Highly, highly unlikely he will want the responsibility of eow.

TemuSpecialBuy · 21/05/2024 08:12

Berlin86 · 21/05/2024 08:09

This isn't the first time he's borrowed money from me. He uses my credit because he's got bad credit.
He's always paid it back in the past and I'm sure he'd pay this back.
The relationship is ruined because I see him as the sole reason we aren't able to get a bigger house.
Im watching him spend £100s on himself each month in the pub instead of prioritising this debt.
To move house I need this debt gone. I've done a good job of over paying my mortgage as and when I can on maternity so I could cover the costs on my own without him.

Just the thought of losing my kids every other weekend or something over this has got me thinking I should give him a chance to pay it off and see if it improves

Dads like this rarely actually bother with consistent contact. They was a study on contact based on couples who actually went to court. Even the guys that cpuld be bothered to do this DIDN'T bother regularly seeing their children 2 years after the court agreement.

He'll get "better offers" from mates or the game is on and thry bin off the kids 3 times in 4 so i really wouldnt use that as an excuse

user1471538283 · 21/05/2024 08:14

My ex was a gambler and he showed absolutely no interest in my DS then or since. All he cared about was gambling. If your DP is gambling he won't be paying back the debt and I doubt when you split he will have any interest in your DCs. He's not interested now.

I would find out where the debt is at as maybe it's more rather than less and then get rid of him. If you keep him he will ruin your life

fromtheshires · 21/05/2024 08:15

To go against what the vast majority of people are saying here. People can and do change. OP, you sound a lot like me.

My husband when we met had the perfect lifestyle where I was frugal and had a house.

It turned out his perfect lifestyle wasn't that perfect and he was in loads of debt to fund his life (circa 16k and growing so very much like the OP's amount and also paying minimum payment). It was only when he asked me for some money to get him by I queried why someone who earned so much needed it. We then had a very honest talk.

I said if you want to make this work then write down all your ins and outs and debt to who and at what % and we will come up with a plan.
I agreed that I would write off the debts one at a time starting with the smallest but i still expected him to continue paying down the debt and then pay me back at the same terms as the creditors.

He is now debt free, doesn't own a credit card, doesn't keep getting PCP every 2 years and whacks a lot more away in savings than I ever can. He still spends like a motherfucker but he always prioritises savings first and I cant argue at what he spends his money on if he like me has saved x% of his wage and put x% of his wage into the joint account like I do.

You need to have the talk and give him the chance to change. You are building up resentment and he may be oblivious to his actions.

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2024 08:15

Mate, he sounds like he’s highly unlikely to demand every other weekend with his kids, if he spends all his money in the pub. Plus, while they’re young you have more control to say overnights are not appropriate. And you deserve a good life not one with a deadbeat strapped to you, hoovering up all the money you work for.

Rabbitrabbits · 21/05/2024 08:20

It is unlikely he will want the children. It’s used as a tactic to manipulate you.

My ex tried it. I said yes. I agree I will split 50/50 one week on one week off. When he pushed further I also said I could do every other weekend and one night in the week. He didn’t jump at this offer instead He moved to another county and had them one weekend in two maximum. Very different to the nonsense he was spouting.

’I want full custody’ is a line from the loser exes handbook. 50 points in loser bingo if he says it. 150 bonus points if he says ‘You are crazy so I’ll get full custody’. Extra 25 if he uses the word Bitch in the sentence. I found loser bingo very helpful. They all say the same shit.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 21/05/2024 08:22

You say he's always paid it back in the past, but has he really? It sounds like the debt just grows. Paying back a quid and then borrowing two is not paying back.

Give us a number. How high are you prepared to let it get to before you finally say enough is enough? Whatever that figure is, you will reach it sooner or later if you don't change things. You also have to seriously consider that you will never see whatever he owes you when you do pull the plug. He is a fundamentally selfish person, splurging on nonessentials for himself when he has a family to support. He's only been "paying you back" so far to keep you sweet and maintain the gravy train. When you draw the line you won't see another penny from him. So accept what he owes now is probably lost but don't be naive and let it continue to grow.

This man will pull you and your kids into the gutter with him if you let him.

therejustbarely · 21/05/2024 08:22

My ex couldn't even manage a full year of eow after the court order. Ink was barely dry!

rockingbird · 21/05/2024 08:26

That's a lot of debt he's wracked up in your name. Problem is kicking him to the kerb will likely mean you'll end up paying it all back!! Have you tried to have a strong word with him about clearing it? Chances are it's unlikely to change unless you make it clear you're not putting up with no more.. either way this is not a good situation and with another baby on the way you most definitely need to kick that fecker up the arse.

Chocolateorange22 · 21/05/2024 08:27

I'd speak with citizens advice and get your ducks in order.

It would be hard with a newborn but you might be entitled to more than you realise as a single parent. A drop in income might be more preferable than an idiot who is giving you the bare minimum and increasing debt in your name behind your back. He hasn't trapped you into a corner, there will be a way out somehow. Might have the next five years hard but you won't be taken for a mug any longer.

GRex · 21/05/2024 08:30

Berlin86 · 21/05/2024 08:09

This isn't the first time he's borrowed money from me. He uses my credit because he's got bad credit.
He's always paid it back in the past and I'm sure he'd pay this back.
The relationship is ruined because I see him as the sole reason we aren't able to get a bigger house.
Im watching him spend £100s on himself each month in the pub instead of prioritising this debt.
To move house I need this debt gone. I've done a good job of over paying my mortgage as and when I can on maternity so I could cover the costs on my own without him.

Just the thought of losing my kids every other weekend or something over this has got me thinking I should give him a chance to pay it off and see if it improves

The gambling and money wastage are both big issues. Being apparently unable to sit down with him to make a budget and agree a life plan is far worse. £800 is barely covering his costs, never mind the household nor repaying debt, and you will be entitled to some child maintenance. He is holding you back, and this is not helpful for the kids nor for you. You would have some time not seeing them when he has custody, that is unavoidable, but you would have a chance to build an actual life without this man taking up a bedroom and running up more debt.