To have allowed the debt to get so high

[Berlin86]

My partner has racked up £16,000 in debt in my name and pays the bare minimum off this debt each month.

We live in a 2 bedroom house which is in my name. It’s solely down to me to move to a bigger house. I’m good with money. Don’t spend any money unless I have to and save what I can. We have been together for 10 years but I didn’t want a mortgage with him and will never because he has gambling problems (which is apparently behind him)

Problem is we have a 2.5 yo and I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I’m also self employed and a SAHM.

Partner pays £800 towards bills and buys his own food while I pay for house improvements, mine and toddlers food and general stuff for house. I pick up the cost of swimming, parking, petrol, toddler groups and of course take a hit on my income.

We sleep in different rooms. I’m co sleeping with DD and will have new born with me when he arrives as well. Very cramped as you can imagine.

Problem I have is resentment has built up and I’m laying awake most nights feeling stagnant. Being on maternity allowance and having a partner who spends his money mainly on himself (cigarettes, take out and going to the pub) has made me seriously think that I’d be better off doing this alone but what holds me back is the thought of losing that control I have over the children’s upbringing.

YABU-It’s your own fault for lending him that money and see it out till he’s paid it off and things will improve
Or
YANBU- Split up, life will always be hard with this type of guy?

Yabu AND Yanbu…..

His business failed and he needed a loan to get the creditors off his back. A kind of bankruptcy agreement with solicitors agreement.
I didn't like to see him so depressed so when he asked for help I helped him by getting a loan out which he pays each month.

The credit card which he's racked up to £7000 is my fault. I just gave him the card to cover him while he waited for his customers to pay him. He is now self employed.
The credit card went up to that amount when his income wasn't regular last year.
Now it is the card has been destroyed and he's not able to spend on it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Means a lot x

You won't need a bigger house if he wasn't living in it.

I agree that it is highly unlikely that he is going to want to have the children- if he ever managed to get himself together enough to get another home. Even men who aren't shit fathers initially get sick of it when they have to do it on their own. And your boyfriend isn't even interested now.

You are pretty much living separately already.

More fool you for getting PG again. This isn't a partnership in any way, shape or form. Why would you continue to sleep with him?

Is this actually for real? Come on, OP.

In the long run it will work out cheaper and will be infinitely better for your wellbeing and your children's future if you leave him.

Good that the house is in your name and you're not married, so you can kick him out. I realise this is tough, given that you are about to give birth, but the longer you wait, the further he'll drag you down.

OP, perhaps seek some independent financial advice with regards the debt that is in your name, just to see if you could pay it back yourself at a managable rate even when on maternity leave. That way you could then decide whether you can go it alone, perhaps it might mean releasing some equity from your house if that is possible in order to clear the debt.
He should still pay you for the debt whether that would continue if you were to end the relationship I don't know but if you clear it and he doesn't know you have cleared it, then hopefully he will still pay and if he doesn't then at least it is gone and you can move on with your children without this man being a constant burden to you.
I'm sure that you would be better off without him as he doesn't sound particularly supportive and comes across as being very selfish not what you need with young children, and will he ever change, not much of a life for you is it.
I wish you luck with you new baby and hope things get sorted for you.

I am gob smacked about the debt, in your name!

Make sure absolutely nothing else can be put in your name.

So he is paying the loan but only the min on the credit card? It's never going to be paid off.

You said he goes to the pub/ take aways instead of paying the debt. Well he is a selfish prick but you need to get really stern tell him, don't ask, tell him you need £500 per month off the credit card.

If you leave him you will be taking the debt with you. He won't pay it back. I think I'd try get him to pay back a large chunk of the debt then leave.

Don’t split with him until he’s cleared the debt otherwise you’ll never see the money and as a self employed person he’ll probably dodge CMS payments- talking from experience!

Unfortunately, if you split with him, it's likely he'll stop paying off the debt and you'll be stuck with paying it off. Make sure that he isn't able to run up any more debt. You need to be firm in telling him to cut back spending on himself and pay off the debt ASAP.

He needs a job and to have a standing order set up to you, or for you to have control of his finances given he owes you a lot of money and you're good at managing it.

Being bad with money and being self-employed is an absolute recipe for disaster. My dad was the same and owes over half a million, it's just got worse over the years. Just the amount owed on interest for his unpaid tax bills is astronomical.

He needs to be in a situation where he's got regular money coming in and a fixed amount that's easy to manage. You need to be great with money to manage a self-employed income with all its highs and lows, as you probably know!

You say the relationship is ruined but you’re 8 months pregnant. He’s never going to change!!

I agree with a @MAFSAUS . You won’t see a penny of the £16k if you kick him out, plus you will be struggling with a newborn and toddler.

He sounds like a millstone around your neck but he’s a millstone who is at least putting an extra £800 a month your way for now and I think you need to keep him on side while you bide your time.

MN loves to advise women in your situation to just ‘get rid’ but the reality is a bit more complicated than that. You sleep in seperate rooms and I’m assuming there is no abuse - physical or emotional - going on? In that case I would keep things as they are for now in the hope he repays at least some of the money and focus on this new baby. Once the baby is older, you are settled into a routine with the DC, back at work and financially ok you can revisit this ‘relationship’ and get him out.

Start by blocking the credit card. Cut it up.

Sit ansld speak to him . He needs to pay u more than 800 too

He sounds awful OP. Get rid and make better choices moving forward.

Are you sure his gambling is in the past? This sounds precarious for you, and, depending on some of the details, like financial abuse on his part.

My bullshit radar is on high alert for someone with “past” gambling issues as they have a way of becoming present again. Or never having really gone away.

I’m wondering if he engaged with support for his gambling or “just stopped”.

There are many other dimensions to this , but if he has a current gambling addiction, there’s no way it’ll improve unless he admits and gets support for it.

It’s a difficult conversation to have but could be really worth doing as soon you feel able. Gamcare have a helpline which also supports people affected by others’s gambling. I’ve had mixed results from calling it, depending on who I’ve got through to, but they might be able to help, or refer you to support to have this conversation.

Wishing you all the luck and strength

I’d also like to refute your statement that the credit card is your fault. It’s REALLY not.

When someone is financially irresponsible it’s too easy to feel like you have to take on all the responsibility. It can happen gradually (yes, I speak from experience) and takes a conscious effort to stand back and examine it.

Get all the advice and support you can - it sounds like you’re carrying a lot and you don’t need to carry it on your own. Talk to trusted friends/family, ask for referrals to support groups, see what’s most helpful to you.

This is excellent advice.

Agree that you should see if you can afford the debt with equity release and then get rid of him. If he continues to pay you great. If not you are debt free and sponger free.

Losing control of the kids will feel strange when he has them but they will always come back to you as the more stable reliable and loving parent.

good luck!

I think this is a very balanced view/ good advice.

Might also be worth seeing if he will up the contribution to 1k now the 2nd baby is here.