To go back to work?

[Soupisnotdinner]

My DD is almost a year old and I’m trying to decide whether or not to go back to work FT, PT or be a SAHM for a while. My feelings about this have vacillated hugely over the last year.

Financial situation

• DH earns £150K a year + annual bonus. This bonus fluctuates (it was £40K last year, £12K the year before).
• I earn £75K a year. This may go up, but would require FT work, some overtime and quite a lot of hard work and graft.
• I have the option of going back 2-3 days a week, which would allow me to ‘keep my hand in’ and contribute to the family income. However, in my field, going PT is basically career death. I’d be accepting zero career progression for the foreseeable future.

Domestic situation

• I’m not sure I’m a ‘natural mother’. I love my DD so very much, but I find quite a lot of it relentless and exhausting.
• DH is super supportive and more than pulls his weight at home.
• We have a cleaner and a gardener, so I’m not exactly overwhelmed with stuff to do.

My quandary

• My baby is glorious and I love her. It feels a bit mad to go back to work when I’m in a position to spend time with her. I worry that I’ll regret it if I don’t stay home. I have quite a lot of guilt about the fact that I’m not enjoying maternity leave more.

We live in SE England and have a large mortgage/high outgoings, but are still financially fine, whatever I decide. DH had no strong feelings and just wants me to be happy. But I have no idea what would make me happy.

What have you done? What would you do in this situation? Any and all suggestions are welcome. I’ve tried to provide all the necessary info, so my apologies if this is long.

Go back part time, it won’t be career suicide not to progress but as you say will keep your hand in

if you find it to much you can always quit nothings final

Our household income is nowhere near yours

My DH was happy like yours for me to do as I pleased. I didn't go back to work as COVID hit, we had to shield and I didn't fancy becoming a single parent effectively to keep the rest of the household safe. I had some similar feelings to you, I found being a SAHM quite dull sometimes. When my second was a few weeks old my previous employer reached out as they wanted someone on a small amount of hours to just do admin. They let me pick my days and hours and three years later I'm still doing it. Means I can pick the kids up from school (less guilt) but I'm using my brain and being me for a few days a week. Yes it's freezed my career for a few years but I've got the best of both worlds at the moment. In September my youngest will be upping pre school to 5 days a week (currently 4) and I'll have two weeks days to myself when they are in. I feel that this will be a good measure of a) being present as much as I can and b) having some time to myself.

I would go back part time. It's the scenario I would have chosen if it had been possible back when mine were little. You get DD time and adult time, and both are really important.

Go back part time. It might mean no career progression in the immediate future, but becoming a SAHP will mean you go backwards.

I'd also say (as someone who was also not a "natural mother") that I appreciated my DC more if I didn't have to spend all my time with them. Also, you might find them more interesting when they are a bit older never understood why people coo over babies as they don't really do anything

Can you go back PT and move back to FT in a few years?

Definitely part time and give it 6 months trial.

I think people saying go back PT have missed the point.
Even if that were temporary it has long term ramifications. I went back part time for 4 years and it took me ten to get back to where I would’ve been.
I'd go back fulltime and save money and retire early. Once your DD gets to school your career may be at the point that you have freedom and can control your hours much more. My youngest is 9 now and I earn well and manage my own hours.

Personally, I would be a SAHM for a year and then decide the next step from there. These years when they are small go by so quickly and you can never get them back. I've never met anyone who, when looking back, wished they had worked more. But I appreciate that if you're not massively enjoying maternity leave your experience may be very different to mine.

I would never work FT if I could afford not to. I have a good career that isn't dependent on FT work plus I've got to where I want and have no ambitions of progressing. PT work gives me a good work life balance.

Part time seems a good option. What is a ‘natural’ mother anyway? Surely there’s no one way to be a mother. Working doesn’t make you any less of a mum nor any less natural.

Based on the information you have given, I would go back full time now, with a view to going part time during the primary school years.

Maximise your career progression and earnings while childcare is readily available. When they start school childcare options become much harder, and their school day is long enough without before and after school club. The long days seem far more doable for smaller kids because they still sleep in the day.

Do whatever feels right, but be really careful about being a SAHM as it's hard to get back in to a professional career after even a shortish gap. Unless your employer offers career breaks with guaranteed return?

I took a career break for 6 months. Personally I wish it could be more but financially I will need to go back soon. Is a career break an option for you? That way you can just delay your decision a bit longer and see how you feel later in the year?

Go back part time, keep your hand in, keep your financial independence as well as contributing to the household and keep your NI contributions going for your pension.

I get the feeling you're not too keen to be a SAHM so do part time and go back to full time a bit later on.

Hand up. I wish I’d gone back three months sooner with DS1 (and I went back when he was 11 months). I spent a lot of time clock watching for DH to get home and no joy at all. All that cleared the minute I was back at work and fully enjoying the time I had with DS1 at the weekend.

If you're career driven, FT is fine. You're entitled to care about doing well and feeling achievement through work. I personally found PT worked for me, I was a 'better mum' when I was home by working. But I have had to turn down opportunities and have had to be ok with family being priority for now.

Listen to your gut. If you want to go back to work FT & you can afford lots of help, do it. If PT suits you better, do that. And remember it's nobody else's business. You do you. Your DD will be happier if you're content.

After our first child, I decided to go back to work full time when my son was 9 months old (my husband then took 3 months shared parental leave). I then decided to be a SAHM after our second child was born about 2 years later. I just wasn't happy only seeing my son for such a short time during the week (I had a long commute and not very flexible hours). We could afford it and I always felt I might regret working so much when they were little. My youngest is now 2 and eldest nearly 4. I'm really glad I've got this extra time with them now as I must admit I enjoy the toddler/preschool age much more than the baby stages. I'm planning to go back to work when they are both at school.

It's a difficult decision and only you know what's the best for you and your family, just wanted to share my experience.

Part time for sure. You will enjoy your time off with your daughter more once you’re working again, especially with a cleaner and gardener so you don’t need to fit in chores while you’re with her.

Even if you think it’s career death, it’s not as much so as SAHM. You’ll still be in the industry, you’ll still be paid. And much easier to go full time or get another job than if you quit.

I loved my DC to bits, but couldn't wait to get back to work! I enjoyed being with them so much more when they were a little older.

I went back full time, and then dropped to part time (4 days) when kids were a bit older. Could you both drop to 4 days without it being career suicide? I know several successful blokes at my work who are 4 days and quite a lot of successful women.

Try going full time and see how you get on. A lot of the negotiation in the early days is around sharing time off when kids are sick. Will you both share that? It makes it a lot easier to do full time if the other pulls their weight (that’s why I’m mentioning it a lot).

Part time is actually more useful when they’re at school - more messy inconvenient things like after school clubs, play dates, brownies, swimming lessons - and the ability to see some of the other parents at the school gate v occasionally and do school drop off and pickup.

eta - I would say I am a pretty good “natural mother” as well - but I don’t think working full time stops me being that.

I wouldn’t go back part time. It’s the same in my field too that it is career death.

I’d go back full time.

If I had my time again I'd go FT when they are little. Make money, progress my career, then PT when they're older.

Thanks, everyone. Lots of really kind, helpful comments. I still have no idea what I want to do, but I appreciate your responses. 🙂

If I was in your position, I would get a nanny and go back full time – take your time to settle in and see how you feel about it in 6 months. I think going back full time initially will make it much clearer what you want to do rather than trying to make the decision now – and it's best if you keep your options open for longer.

This is such a quandary. I will give you my own experience (although it differs slightly):

We weren’t in the same financial position as you when my children were tiny, so I had no choice but to go back full time with my first and then part time with my second (part time in my job isn’t amazing for progression but not impossible). Fast forward 8 years (my youngest is 8) and I’m still part time but I’ve worked hard to keep my career ticking over and have progressed well; if I were to go back full time tomorrow, I’d be able to apply for very senior positions. In this sense, I’m now in the same position you are (albeit with older children) as I now can’t really progress further without upping my days.

My husband earns really well - not quite as much as yours but not too far off, although as you say there’s always the bonus fluctuation to consider. We do however live in a very expensive area in our city and have a large mortgage. We have really appreciated my income over the years and when I do go back full time (which I will at some point soon), it will alleviate some of the tax we lose being a high income household mainly reliant upon one income (although I earn well for part time - 30k). I’m so grateful to past me (and my husband for supporting me) for ploughing on with my career because it brings me a lot of satisfaction and - as great as our marriage is - I like the safety net of knowing if the worst were to happen, financially we’d be okay.

Obviously my situation isn’t the same as yours, but personally I feel glad that I’ve continued my own progression despite having a high earning husband. Money doesn’t go as far as it did and I can’t say we always feel ‘well off’ even on our combined income; I guess because you live to your means in terms of mortgage and outgoings to a certain extent. I also enjoy my job and I’m good at it. For me, I’ve had the best of both worlds as my husband’s earnings have allowed me to be at home more but also given us choices. Could you do the same - part time for a short while and see how it goes? You might surprise yourself; it isn’t topical in my job to progress being part time, but I have managed it (although I’ve hit the ceiling now so to speak).