How is this ever going to be fair? (DH/ work/ house split)

[Giveupnow]

I feel in a right mess and don’t know how to get out. I am currently a SAHM but want to return to work, but I feel trapped that I won’t manage balancing children (currently 3.5, possible SEN, and 1.5) and the house.

i had a good career (doctor) which I put on hold to follow my husband abroad (stupid I know). Because of these extra skills he has acquired, he earns a good salary working very little hours (15-20 /week). It’s my belief he wouldn’t be paid this much without my career sacrifice/ support.

I found my job very stressful and difficult. Part time hours would be about 30/ week if I did 3 days. 5 days would be nearer 50 which I would struggle to manage with the children. Husband would earn 3 x what I would earn part time. I’d actually be working more hours than him but earning 1/3rd.

he is the type of man that does very little around the house and I doubt that will change. I don’t feel I can cope with doing 99% of house and children and go back to that stressful job, especially as eldest really struggles, she only does short days at the moment and has never done wrap around care etc as she wouldn’t cope. I just feel trapped.

if I ask for help, he will pretend for a bit but I think secretly feels as he earns so much he doesn’t need to do the household stuff. Cleaner wouldn’t help much because it’s the daily tidying etc that’s hardest to keep on top off.

actually, after reading your reply I would say you need to decide what you want. He doesn't respect you. No amount of outsourcing (cleaner, nanny etc) will change that. I would seriously consider what a future would look like witn him. It may be easier doing if solo with maintaince and hired help and a return to part time duties. bit gobsmacked by all these posters who see a cleaner as a solution to a husband who disrespects you so deeply and doesn't see you as much more than a housekeeper.

I’d go for a cleaner/housekeeper and giving him a list of non negotiable tasks., not ideal but a start in the right direction.

secretly feels as he earns so much he doesn’t need to do the household stuff

But what good is his money if it's not providing a better quality of life? You would be better off with a lower earning husband who pulled his weight. His money can't buy him lazy-husband privileges unless he actually uses it to buy his way out of chores.

My DH has a similar attitude to yours but the difference is he will pay for cleaners, housekeepers etc as much as I want, so he is correct - his money means he doesn't have to do stuff around the house. If I moan at him and say I've take on too much he will step up financially to take the load off.

I despise men who think money equates to effort. My cousin is a nurse. She regularly works 60+ hours a week. Her husband works in finance and works 25 hours a week. He earns about six times her salary, not including obscene bonuses, and believes that she should do six times the amount of domestic load. He’s a cunt, truly. I cannot stand him. It’s mutual because I’ve told him what I think of him. He doesn’t want her to quit work and ‘live off him’, either.

Anyway, this despicable mindset is very commonplace. Male entitlement is rife.

Household chore split should be based on hours you both work, not your salaries! So if he's 15-20 hours, and you're 30 hours, he does more around the house. Simple. Don't let him tell you that salary has anything to do with it. I bet your job has more worth than his, and also more stressful - not many jobs beat a doctor for worth! So argue that one if he brings up the salary again...

But to be honest, it would be easier to find a better husband. I don't understand why woman stay with men who don't respect them and treat them as equals??

If he's earning so much Billy Big Bollocks can pay for some help.

I knew someone who started off as a nanny but continued on with the same family doing a mix of after-school care and laundry/tidying/etc. That might be the sort of thing that would work for you.

COuld you afford a nanny/housekeeper so someone who could do childcare when you're working and housework the days when you aren't. So if you worked Monday Tuesday and Thursday they'd do childcare those days (which could include children's meals and laundry) including tidying up after the DC. Then Wednesdays and Fridays they do housekeeping?

Your husband is looking at this all wrong, but you know that. How much you each contribute to running a home and looking after kids is not directly related to how much money you bring home but how time consuming/stressful/demanding your work is.

Your career may be lower paid but it's important to you (and society!) and definitely demanding. Would he really be happy to see you run yourself into the ground trying to do it all just because you happen to have a career that doesn't pay as much? That's not a partner.

You do realise that he won't change. So you either accept that or you change something yourself to improve your situation.

If it were me, that would be divorce. Seeing as he contributed very little apart from money and misogyny wouldn't you be better off without him, if he also pays you maintenance?

Go back to work. Start divorce proceedings. Enjoy much improved quality of life. I've done it, got the t shirt.

I know someone who listed out every stupid little thing she did in the house and with her kids weekly. Bit like a bat shit star chart for adults.

She asked her husband to tick off what he is responsible for. He had the grace to look sheepish and start to step up.

Realistically, your husband can throw money at the problem. Doesn't want to do housework or look after his kids? Hire a nanny, housekeeper, gardener etc. He'll have considerably less cash to enjoy his "free" time with.

Go back to work. Time will tell whether a divorce is on the cards. He was presumably once upon a time a functioning adult, but has gotten incapable and lazy. At least if divorce is the outcome you'll be more self sufficient.

I replied yeasterday. However, I had another read of your post this morning and saw it in a different light. Looking under 2 very young children is 70 hours a week job (plus being on call overnight 365 days a year). Your husband, on the other hand, does 15-20 hours per week plus commute. Do you truly want to go back to work or the real issue is you want the overall work more evenly spread? I am saying this because you said you found your job very stressful. I work alongside doctors in a hospital setting (as a midwife). Things haven't improved since you took a break, otherwise there would have been no junior doctor strikes (this conflict hasn't been resolved yet, to my knowledge). Lots of doctors are quitting, I hear this information first-hand. If the real issue is feeling undervalued and underappreciated at home, that the issue you need to address. Here is one idea .... Insist your husband increases his hours to pay for mother's help. You should be able to find a local mum to do 2-3 hours a day 5 days a week for small money (This would fit in with nursery hours and be a real bonus to a lot of women I suspect). It would be pocket money to your husband. However, it would give you a breathing space. Then you decide if you truly want to return to work as a hospital doctor. It sounds from your post you are at the end of your tether and feeling very resentful. Lots of people suggested divorce, it's a standard prescription for struggling women on Mumsnet. As if divorce and going 50/50 on children's custody is the best thing in the world. Since you have a high earner at home, I suggest you maximize your advantages. You can say to him you will be less tired and more willing to spend time with him in the evening. I say this because I suspect you are too tired to even watch TV with your husband at present. My suggestion would be to explore all routes of making your workload more manageable at home before trying to get into the job market whilst your children are so young.

I think you should work out what you would actually like to do and then have a conversation with him about how you can jointly achieve that. If he cares about you he should want to contribute ideas of how best to make it happen.

It sounds like money will be available for paid help so it's just a question of working out what he would be happy to take on himself versus what you should get paid help for. Talk details, list out everything that needs to happen (school drop off / pick up, meals, cleaning, tidying etc) and brainstorm together how to deal with each part.

He should definitely not be having an easy life at your expense but if you can jointly afford it and make it work without it being unfair to you then the choice to channel earning power into more time off is not inherently unreasonable.