To leave him over this?

[Forwveryuv]

I’ve been with my boyfriend around six months, we live in London and he currently shares an apartment with a female. I think they’ve lived together maybe 2 years.

She is attractive and I think it’s been the case that since they met he’s fancied her but she hasn’t been interested in him. She also has a boyfriend (but this is also a recent relationship).

I 100% don’t think she’s jealous I’m with him but I think she’s jealous she doesn’t fully have his attention anymore, but I also think she’d actually never date him given the chance. They’ve also both been single at the same time as well.

Hes never given me reason to think he’d cheat but then today he was late meeting me because it was because he was comforting her because she was upset about her grandad passing - I have no idea when he died but it’s not a recent thing.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but she has her own boyfriend to comfort her and I know grief can hit at any point it just felt I would have been more understanding if the death was recent? It’s ultimately made me think that she’s always going to have some pull on him and I can’t be bothered to compete so maybe it’s easier to end it early on? Or am a I heartless cow?

Yeah, pack him in. There’s no point if you don’t trust him.

Is it just this one incidence or have there been similar ones? I am assuming this is a pattern and can understand you cooling off. If it's only this one time, I think that's a bit extreme unless there are other factors that you aren't happy about. So, it depends.

Personally I would have had to have asked when the grandad died. Although, grief can rear its ugly head unexpectedly sometimes.

A few times I have seen women 'compete' with their 'admirer's' new love interest or girlfriend even though they don't want him themselves. Not sure if they take his interest for granted and don't like it when it goes away?

Yup, leave him. No good will come out of you being constantly suspicious that he will/has cheated. What’s the point?

I wouldn't leave him over this, or at least I'd wait to see if it became more of a pattern.

I don’t think he’d cheat. I also don’t think she’d cheat.

My worry is that I’m second best. He’s fine to postpone seeing me to comfort her (when she has a boyfriend that can be there for her?).

But if you feel that way then you need to be single to work on yourself. Feeling not good enough is a self esteem issue. It leaves you very vulnerable and this is unlikely to be the first time you have doubts. If you fundamentally feel like he could do better then you forever be having arguments about it. People with low self esteem are likely to accept being treated like crap because they feel like that’s what they deserve and they just want to be loved.

You shouldn’t put up with feeling second best. I wouldn’t, I’d be second only to a man’s kids 🤣

The cool girls and pickmeisha handmaidens will go into overdrive telling you you're hysterical, needy and unhinged.

But you have clearly picked up that he fancies her and I'd definitely say trust yourself. There are dozens of clues we pick up consciously and unconsciously that absolutely tell us when someone is attracted to another person.

I wouldn't split over just one incident, but if he prioritises women he's attracted to over you clearly this will cause more issues and has to be considered.

Oh, you mean you feel like he is TELLING you he likes her more by his actions, not that you FEEL second best? Or both? Either way, you should leave.

It seems to me that he's not really fully available to you because of his attachment to the roommate, which he wishes would be more.

I would walk.

I think you're being extreme, but if that's how you feel then leave him.

It seems a one off incident?

How late was he? He could've messaged you, that was rude if he didn't?

People can be too much enmeshed even if they aren't sexual with each other.

You can find other examples of this. If someone always putting their best friend first over their own family or putting some relative first over their own family.

I think in a relationship, you want to feel like you're a priority, that you're important, and that you're not a triangle with someone else.

I'd dump his ass. In fact I'd ghost him. Leave them to it.

If you feel he fancies her then I’m assuming you’re picking up on behaviour and others instances before this? Because I wouldn’t automatically think bad of my boyfriend for comforting a friend in grief, no matter the timescale, rather I’d see that as a kind act.

It doesn’t really matter if he does or he doesn’t fancy her now, because the trust is already shaking and the situation is making you feel overlooked and second fiddle. So you’re right in that it’s probably time to call it a day because you can’t get round this.

They say you can’t compete with a ghost, and nor can you compete with the idea of a girl inside his head. You won’t ever know if he does/ doesn’t have these feelings (because if you asked no doubt he’d reassure you) but if you BELIEVE he has these feelings then what he says doesn’t matter does it?

It's only happened once. I'd monitor the situation and if it happens again I'd walk.

Trust your gut, something doesn’t feel right- don’t waste your time.

Do you have no other examples of times he has prioritised her?
If you want to end it, fine. But I wouldn't choose this particular situation as the hill to die on.

Like you very aptly put, you are a heartless cow.

Kindly, that's a "you' thing and others actions are not going to change that feeling.

Have you felt this way in other relationships? Unfortunately this is something you need to work on yourself and I would suggest you do that outside a relationship to reinforce you conquered it independently.

YANBU. I absolutely would not want to put myself in a situation involving potential competition/mistrust/feeling second best re another female. You’re better off alone than consumed by concern all the time. And there’s no escape either- they live together!

Alright Shez calm down love.

He comforted her when she was upset. What's wrong with that? I'd expect it of a friend.

You said it yourself. Grief can hit at any time. For whatever reason, grief hit. Your boyfriend was there, hers wasn't. Presumably after 2 years as flatmates, they are also friends. I would think less of someone who ditched a friend who was upset, to go on a date.

But, if you are always going to want to come first in all circumstances, let him go.

Listen to your gut mose a than his being late.
He'd be with her in a flash if he could, that probably won't change.
Whilst he may like you, you most likely are wasting your time.
Give it another bit if you wish, but I'd be done.
Living together AND fancying that person, is potent stuff.
He could be very deeply into her, more than he even admits to himself.

I think he sounds like a nice person. If someone is upset and grieving (and that can be on and off for months, if not years), a kind flatmate/friend isn't going to brush past them saying he's busy. He'd be a wanker. It's a nice trait OP, don't go looking for issues.

My MIL passed away in January and my DD still gets upset if she hears a certain song or smells a certain perfume, more so than when she was at her funeral. Grief is odd and very personal.

Have you told him how you feel?

You should never feel second best to another girl. This will eat you up if you let it. If you think he has feelings for her my advice would be to think whether you want to live like this.