To confront SIL for having affair with her DH (my DB) best friend? fr

[Madamebrioche1]

Im so furious and this is probably outing but I need to vent. SIL clearly and brazenly having an affair with my brothers best friend, she is an absolute trollop. They only got married 6 months ago. My brother has asked her repeatedly and she's denied the affair despite stopping out all night every weekend for the last 6 weeks, coming home with love bites on her neck at 4am, spending all her time with this guy, out on all night benders with him every week. They both deny the affair. I can only assume shes swept up in it the romance/excitement all because she's not bothered about taking care of her kids, i'm so worried about them, she's out drinking all the time with this guy, taking the kids to the pub, the kids look unkempt when she is supposedly caring for them, the one has terrible nappy rash, rash all round his mouth. She told DB she wanted to separate 2 months ago, no explanation just that she didnt want to be a married mum of 2 anymore, then took herself off to hotel for the night for some alone time. She doesn't work (never has) but DB does and pays for everything. He's devastated. She's made him sleep on the sofa the whole time, shouting & screaming at him, spat at him, off on 3 day benders, coming home hungover, leaving the house in a state dirty nappies and empty beer cans everywhere, its awful. I think because she's embarrassed about breaking up 6 months after the wedding she's spinning a false narrative about my brother to justify her behaviour, the other day she went out all night came home very hungover at 8am ringing her friends that he'd taken the kids when he'd just popped to the supermarket to get them some stuff for breakfast. She really is vindictive and conniving. But what can I do? I probably won't achieve anything by calling her out on her behaviour, i don't want to lose out seeing my niece/nephews. I just think she is a vile person and hate seeing my brother so broken by her. I really hope what goes around comes around. I don't know how best to advise my brother to protect him from her because she's unhinged.

I really think your job is to support your brother if he wants it, annd the kids if he’s amenable and agai only if he wants it. It is not to pretend you’re some bloody avenging angel

@JJathome well that goes without saying. Not trying to be an avenging angel, just someone thats really pissed off that her SIL has decided to destroy her kids lives by shagging her husbands best mate. They are about to lose their dad, their home, their pets all for a crappy affair. As a mum myself i know i wouldnt ever do that to my kids.

I’d say nothing and advise your brother to get legal advice as soon as possible. If the children’s Mum is neglecting them your brother needs to do everything he legally can to ensure they live with him in future.

Stay out of it, obviously be there to support your brother but if you confront her and they stay together you’ll be the worst in the world and it will ruin your relationship with him and his children.

I'd leave the sex/affair part out of your mind and focus 100% on getting your brother clarity on as much residency of the children as possible.He needs to get all the evidence of bottles, nappies, rashes, everything, and play proper hardball or he will lose his children. Who's sleeping with who is about eleventy billion times less important.

Ignore the affair but and just support your db re the children and his mental health

I completely understand your anger, I would feel the same.

Her behaviour is poor but also quite unusual, people have affairs all the time and don’t behave like she is. Is she having some kind of breakdown on top of the affair?

She doesn’t sound safe to be in sole charge of her children.

You’ll just make yourself look bad and make things worse for your brother. Stay classy. Be the reasonable family that behaves themselves and just wants what’s best for the children.

Phone SS on her if she is looking after kids drunk or badly hungover and if she has them in pubs with her while she's getting drunk.

Your SIL is awful but your brother really should be looking after his kids a bit better as well! A women wouldn’t be allowed to get away with her kids having terrible rashes and looking unkempt even if her DH was treating her like crap.

The affair isnt your business. I wouldn't get involved in another people's relationships. You can support you brother without slagging off his wife. She can be all the wankers under the sun but she'll always be you nieces/ nephews mother. It's better to say nothing if you can't say anything nice. If the children are living with your brother and his wife and the children are being neglected then your brother needs to do something about it. She may be the primary carer but if she isn't careing for the kids then he needs to step up and find alternative care fire them.

Keep out of it the affair is none of your business and you seem very emotionally involved. why isn't your brother looking after his kids if their mum isn't?

What you can do is:

1. tell your brother to collect evidence of her lack of care for the children.
2. If the children really are at risk (being looked after by intoxicated parent or being present at pub whilst parent is getting drunk), then you will need to call social services. (This is not malicious but may identify a mental health issue.or , at least have the children are being looked out for)

@SemperIdem i wondered this, she lost a close relative recently and had a couple of really stressful things happen in her life but now seems to have gone off the rails. She was with DB for 12 years, then she said she didnt want to just be married with kids bue clearly had been having an affair. When she came home hungover the other week, and mistakenly thought my brother had taken the kids, she was hysterical, wet herself, vomiting etc. But shes spending all her time with this AP who is a big drinker. And they have 2 mutual friends who seem to be enabling/encouraging her behaviour - giving her money to go out, paying for her new flat because she doesn't work.
She's not told her family about any of it.
She seems hell bent on making my brother suffer. She doesn't seem bothered about the kids, and spending every opportunity she can to be out in the pub, living it up. My brother gets home from work and then shes off out. But i do worry about the kids because i think shes just thinking about herself and trying to live the life she thinks shes missing out on.

But i know everyone is right, best to rise above it, focus on the kids. Im worried for them, i need to make sure they are going to be looked after because i dont think shes in the right frame of mind, she seems reckless. Im worried about my brothers mental state, he feels like he's lost his wife, his kids, his best mate, his mutual friends shes turned against him by spinning this false narrative.

@Itsmyshadow well he does look after the kids when hes off work but he does 4/5 days in a row, long shifts out in the morning, back in the evening. Takes one kid to school, makes their lunch, home at bedtime. Its when shes got them shes not changing nappies, living in a dirty house. He cleans it all on his days off and when he gets home from work, he often comes home to a bombsite, empty cans of beer over the floor, piles of dirty nappies.

Your brother needs to take the kids himself and let her seek contact via courts.
He needs to step up.
Not sure why you say the kids are " losing their dad " when if what you say is true he needs to take them and care for them (sort out full time childcare if he is working) and discuss contact with their mother thru the courts
He is not helpless

@bananaboats he is looking after them when hes not working as explained in my last post. She doesnt work.
Obviously im emotional about it, its my family, pretty normal to feel this way.

Why is she in his home?
You said her friends were paying her new flat.

they have 2 mutual friends who seem to be enabling/encouraging her behaviour - giving her money to go out, paying for her new flat because she doesn't work.

So he needs to be sole parent since she cannot care for them Adequately
And let her fight for contact via courts

@cestlavielife no hes not helpless but he is on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has been working long shifts 4/5 days a week to keep a roof over their heads so when hes off he does have them. They are still living together but yesterday she announced shes moving out next week, taking the kids and won't tell him where she is moving to - no idea if she is moving in with AP. Said he can see the kids once a week but will have to pick them up from the local supermarket car park! She hasn't said how she plans to support them as she doesn't work, or have savings. He is obvisouly going to be paying child maintenance. They rent so he is having to look for somewhere to live and find something suitable for the kids.

He probably needs to take some time off and sort this out. I get that he's working but he can't fuck off to work when his kids are being neglected at home.

I wouldn't be letting her take the kids. He had to take some control here.

I should add i suspect she's spinning a false narrative that he is abusive to her or threatening, hence all the drama "he's taken my kids". He came home from work the other day and she went into a rage, shouting at him basically because he came home later than usual from work and she had wanted to go out and now it was too late. He tried to calm her down, next thing you know these "mutual mates" are at the door because she's messaged them saying shes scared, he's shouting when its the other way round. She has hit him before. I just don't trust her.

Sorry but your brother needs to get a grip here. You need to give him some tough love. He doesn’t have the luxury to wallow in despair. He has 2 small kids depending on him.
She’s having an affair and acting cray cray. That’s rough but shit happens. He won’t be the first to suffer infidelity and divorce and won’t be the last.

Im picturing my own brother and niece and nephew in this situation and this is my honest advice I’d give him:

1. kick her out. They’ve basically separated and she wants out. Shes not safe to be around the kids right now.
2. Take emergency parental leave from work. May have to even get a credit card to cover the bills for a short while if no savings but shit happens.
3. Get childcare and contact arrangements sorted for the kids and the house into a good place.

Once the above is sorted and in place he can then go through the motions of grief and picking himself back up again. But until those steps are taken he is secondary to those kids. It’s amazing what you can do when you have no other choice. Women have been doing it for centuries.

If my brother refused to do any of the above (or was incapable) then I’d be taking it into my own hands. If things are as bad as you say they are and he refuses the above then I would:

1. Contact social services asap and tell them everything, request an urgent assessment.
2. If able offer to take temporary guardianship or an alternate family member.

At that point if they would be putting their own issues before the care and safety of their own children so I wouldn’t feel guilty for it as I’d have no other choice.

It sucks but life happens, shit happens. People have affairs, mental breakdowns, die, lose jobs and all sorts. It’s rough but when you have children you have no choice but to carry on, you can’t ’opt out’ in despair, even if it’s at the detriment to yourself.

@FemaleRageTheMusical its a new job, not greatly well paid but if he doesnt go to work he doesnt get paid and if he doesnt get paid he cant pay the rent and then they are all further up s##t creek. I think he is trying to work out what to do, but its not easy with someone who is not reasonable

I'd suggest social services for the children, your brother needs to do this.

Your SIL has slid into alcoholism so needs help too.

Your brother will need to be frank with SS emphasize the children are in danger.