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Original poster

To confront SIL for having affair with her DH (my DB) best friend? fr

42 replies

Madamebrioche1 · 19/05/2024 21:00

Im so furious and this is probably outing but I need to vent. SIL clearly and brazenly having an affair with my brothers best friend, she is an absolute trollop. They only got married 6 months ago. My brother has asked her repeatedly and she's denied the affair despite stopping out all night every weekend for the last 6 weeks, coming home with love bites on her neck at 4am, spending all her time with this guy, out on all night benders with him every week. They both deny the affair. I can only assume shes swept up in it the romance/excitement all because she's not bothered about taking care of her kids, i'm so worried about them, she's out drinking all the time with this guy, taking the kids to the pub, the kids look unkempt when she is supposedly caring for them, the one has terrible nappy rash, rash all round his mouth. She told DB she wanted to separate 2 months ago, no explanation just that she didnt want to be a married mum of 2 anymore, then took herself off to hotel for the night for some alone time. She doesn't work (never has) but DB does and pays for everything. He's devastated. She's made him sleep on the sofa the whole time, shouting & screaming at him, spat at him, off on 3 day benders, coming home hungover, leaving the house in a state dirty nappies and empty beer cans everywhere, its awful. I think because she's embarrassed about breaking up 6 months after the wedding she's spinning a false narrative about my brother to justify her behaviour, the other day she went out all night came home very hungover at 8am ringing her friends that he'd taken the kids when he'd just popped to the supermarket to get them some stuff for breakfast. She really is vindictive and conniving. But what can I do? I probably won't achieve anything by calling her out on her behaviour, i don't want to lose out seeing my niece/nephews. I just think she is a vile person and hate seeing my brother so broken by her. I really hope what goes around comes around. I don't know how best to advise my brother to protect him from her because she's unhinged.

OP posts:
AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 19/05/2024 22:35

Madamebrioche1 · 19/05/2024 22:18

@cestlavielife no hes not helpless but he is on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has been working long shifts 4/5 days a week to keep a roof over their heads so when hes off he does have them. They are still living together but yesterday she announced shes moving out next week, taking the kids and won't tell him where she is moving to - no idea if she is moving in with AP. Said he can see the kids once a week but will have to pick them up from the local supermarket car park! She hasn't said how she plans to support them as she doesn't work, or have savings. He is obvisouly going to be paying child maintenance. They rent so he is having to look for somewhere to live and find something suitable for the kids.

He needs to take some time off work to deal with this situation and get some legal advice asap if he hasn’t already. Screenshots of any messages she’s sent him that are abusive/allude to the fact the children aren’t being taken care of properly by her. If she’s as awful as you and he say she is then his children need him to protect them and take care of them.

“But I was at work while my children were being neglected by their other parent” doesn’t cut it.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 19/05/2024 22:39

Madamebrioche1 · 19/05/2024 22:23

I should add i suspect she's spinning a false narrative that he is abusive to her or threatening, hence all the drama "he's taken my kids". He came home from work the other day and she went into a rage, shouting at him basically because he came home later than usual from work and she had wanted to go out and now it was too late. He tried to calm her down, next thing you know these "mutual mates" are at the door because she's messaged them saying shes scared, he's shouting when its the other way round. She has hit him before. I just don't trust her.

Can he put a couple of cameras in the house on the QT? My partner's best mate had a very similar situation where she went to the police to accuse him of abuse. (Unknown to her, there were cameras in the house: he had installed them because she was bringing randoms back to shag.)

Fortunately this meant he was able to show the police who was abusing who. And this woman your brother has married is an abuser, even if she is unwell or whatever.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 19/05/2024 22:41

Sorry, the cameras were not for creepy reasons or for catching her out per se- he was concerned about theft/security because her judgement is so bad...! (Just realised how it might read...)

MILLYmo0se · 19/05/2024 22:46

Why not focus on doing something useful and productive, supporting your brother in walking away from this mess and seeking custody of his children as the stable parent. What are you looking for in confronting her, she doesn't care what you think, she isn't suddenly going to think 'oh im a terrible person doing the wrong thing', it's a waste of time and energy

Moonpie6 · 19/05/2024 22:54

Madamebrioche1 · 19/05/2024 21:00

Im so furious and this is probably outing but I need to vent. SIL clearly and brazenly having an affair with my brothers best friend, she is an absolute trollop. They only got married 6 months ago. My brother has asked her repeatedly and she's denied the affair despite stopping out all night every weekend for the last 6 weeks, coming home with love bites on her neck at 4am, spending all her time with this guy, out on all night benders with him every week. They both deny the affair. I can only assume shes swept up in it the romance/excitement all because she's not bothered about taking care of her kids, i'm so worried about them, she's out drinking all the time with this guy, taking the kids to the pub, the kids look unkempt when she is supposedly caring for them, the one has terrible nappy rash, rash all round his mouth. She told DB she wanted to separate 2 months ago, no explanation just that she didnt want to be a married mum of 2 anymore, then took herself off to hotel for the night for some alone time. She doesn't work (never has) but DB does and pays for everything. He's devastated. She's made him sleep on the sofa the whole time, shouting & screaming at him, spat at him, off on 3 day benders, coming home hungover, leaving the house in a state dirty nappies and empty beer cans everywhere, its awful. I think because she's embarrassed about breaking up 6 months after the wedding she's spinning a false narrative about my brother to justify her behaviour, the other day she went out all night came home very hungover at 8am ringing her friends that he'd taken the kids when he'd just popped to the supermarket to get them some stuff for breakfast. She really is vindictive and conniving. But what can I do? I probably won't achieve anything by calling her out on her behaviour, i don't want to lose out seeing my niece/nephews. I just think she is a vile person and hate seeing my brother so broken by her. I really hope what goes around comes around. I don't know how best to advise my brother to protect him from her because she's unhinged.

Completely feel your anger!

Agree with other pps about trying to get your brother away from her and custody of the children.

Be prepared for her to play dirty. Make sure you get any arrangements regarding the children in writing (text/email) and anything to do with money via the bank (so she can't say your brother hasn't been paying anything for the children.)

My family had this, but we were the family of the person having the affair. My brother had an affair within 12 months of being married.

Bellsandthistle · 19/05/2024 23:17

It all sounds terrible, but remember you don’t know the full story.
Do not assume your bother is entirely an innocent party.
Support him in separating from her and focus on the wellbeing of the children (who are being neglected by both of them).

Nicole1111 · 19/05/2024 23:55

Your brother needs to take on care of the children, even if that means giving up his job. The children’s physical and emotional safety needs to come first, and from what you’re saying she cannot ensure that. Yes I appreciate that will have financial implications, especially in the short term, but he’ll have to apply for benefits to allow him to take on the role of the full time parent. If he rings his local mash team (google the county name then mash) he can ask for more advice and guidance from children’s services and for support with his own well-being.

RoseBucket · 20/05/2024 00:10

She has spat at him, she has hit him. She is (potentially) drunk in charge of the children.

He is in a domestic abuse relationship. If the children are hearing this, they are also victims of domestic abuse.

Encourage your brother to seek advice from the Police and your local domestic abuse service, an organisation such as Andy’s Man Club will be able to offer emotional support.

He can speak with the local housing officer and check out entitled to for temp benefits advice.

Noseybookworm · 20/05/2024 01:01

Madamebrioche1 · 19/05/2024 22:18

@cestlavielife no hes not helpless but he is on the verge of a mental breakdown. He has been working long shifts 4/5 days a week to keep a roof over their heads so when hes off he does have them. They are still living together but yesterday she announced shes moving out next week, taking the kids and won't tell him where she is moving to - no idea if she is moving in with AP. Said he can see the kids once a week but will have to pick them up from the local supermarket car park! She hasn't said how she plans to support them as she doesn't work, or have savings. He is obvisouly going to be paying child maintenance. They rent so he is having to look for somewhere to live and find something suitable for the kids.

Your brother needs legal advice asap. He can get an emergency court order preventing her from removing the children from the family home. Then he will have to go to court and the judge will decide on custody of the children. Tell him to document when she goes out, stays out all night, her drinking especially around the children, her neglect of the children. He probably needs to request some compassionate leave from work to sort this out. He needs to step up and protect his children. Hopefully she'll move out without them once she realises he means business.

Ottersmith · 20/05/2024 02:44

He needs to go to court and keep the kids with him. He should record the abuse with his phone. He can't let her take them away. If she wants to remove them from the family home she can petition the court. Does he have anyone who can come round and help look after them?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2024 06:20

He should be urgently gathering evidence and speaking to a solicitor, not working. Work can wait. A solicitor can advise if he’d be successful in applying for an emergency residency order. Confronting your sil isn’t what is required right now. Can your whole family needs to rally round?

FemaleRageTheMusical · 20/05/2024 08:21

Whatthefuckwasthat · 19/05/2024 22:25

Sorry but your brother needs to get a grip here. You need to give him some tough love. He doesn’t have the luxury to wallow in despair. He has 2 small kids depending on him.
She’s having an affair and acting cray cray. That’s rough but shit happens. He won’t be the first to suffer infidelity and divorce and won’t be the last.

Im picturing my own brother and niece and nephew in this situation and this is my honest advice I’d give him:

  1. kick her out. They’ve basically separated and she wants out. Shes not safe to be around the kids right now.
  2. Take emergency parental leave from work. May have to even get a credit card to cover the bills for a short while if no savings but shit happens.
  3. Get childcare and contact arrangements sorted for the kids and the house into a good place.

Once the above is sorted and in place he can then go through the motions of grief and picking himself back up again. But until those steps are taken he is secondary to those kids. It’s amazing what you can do when you have no other choice. Women have been doing it for centuries.

If my brother refused to do any of the above (or was incapable) then I’d be taking it into my own hands. If things are as bad as you say they are and he refuses the above then I would:

  1. Contact social services asap and tell them everything, request an urgent assessment.
  2. If able offer to take temporary guardianship or an alternate family member.

At that point if they would be putting their own issues before the care and safety of their own children so I wouldn’t feel guilty for it as I’d have no other choice.

It sucks but life happens, shit happens. People have affairs, mental breakdowns, die, lose jobs and all sorts. It’s rough but when you have children you have no choice but to carry on, you can’t ’opt out’ in despair, even if it’s at the detriment to yourself.

This is good advice.

Eggmoobean · 20/05/2024 08:25

Your brother needs to take the kids and move out with them. She is dragging these poor unkempt kids to the pub and he is not doing anything about it. Her behaviour can not be tolerated, and he should be doing more to protect.

when she wants contact , she files with family court.

Boomer55 · 20/05/2024 08:29

Stay out of it, regarding the affair, as it’s not your business. But, support your brother with getting a grip, and helping with sorting out the children.

ChangeAgain2 · 20/05/2024 09:16

Working does NOT obsolve your brother of his responsibility to ensure the kids are looked after. If she is not looking after the kids then he needs to. If he needs to be signed off sick from work because he's on the verge of a breakdown then so be it. I certainly wouldn't be letting her take the kids if she's keeping them in that condition. Has he applied for a child arrangement order? If he's on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and as much right to keep the as her. He can't just cry in a corner, my kids are being neglected, and choose to hold his hand up and do nothing.

CantDealwithChristmas · 20/05/2024 09:26

You're a very caring sister and I understand your anger.

Your SIL clearly has developed a serious alcohol problem.

Agreed with PPs you need to call SS and signpost your DB to legal advice to help him get her out of the house, or get himnself and the kids out of the house.

therealcookiemonster · 20/05/2024 11:57

@Madamebrioche1 Hi OP, this sounds absolutely awful. you have had some excellent advice
in your place, I would encourage your brother to first contact a men's DV charity eg the Adam project https://www.adam-project.org.uk/

he is being abused. some cameras to capture evidence would be good as sadly men suffering DV are often dismissed. he should contact the police next time she flies into a rage to get her out of a house and get a restraining order or similar. your SIL is spiralling and her violence could get worse and put him or worse the kids in danger.

After this social services need to be involved as well as lawyers. he needs to go for 100% custody with supervised contact until her mental health recovers.

while this is happening, he should take emergency leave, he needs a break. the Adam project will probably guide him towards dome counselling as well. could they maybe live with you for a short while? or could you stay with them? just for emotional support

going forward, he needs to make sure the child benefit goes into his account and that he applies for UC if needed in order to pay for childcare. the money in any joint accounts or joint saving accounts needs to be transferred ASAP to prevent her from taking it and spending it.

I hope things look up for him soon.

ADAM Project | Supporting male victims of domestic abuse

Dedicated entirely to supporting male victims of domestic abuse. We can give you free, confidential advice and support if you are a man experiencing, or are at risk from, domestic abuse, and are living in Leicester, Leicestershire or Rutland.

https://www.adam-project.org.uk

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