Holiday with my parents - plans changed

[Babybirdmum]

Just some background, I am married with a two yr old and a 3mo baby. My parents go every year in spring and summer to Cornwall for a week. Usually I go in the spring with them and my sister goes in the summer because my sister has OCD, and other mental health problems so she finds it hard to share small spaces with other people. All of us are quite skint, my parents always book the same cottage because it is cheap. If they hadn’t invited us to go with them we wouldn’t be having a holiday this year as I am on Mat pay, so i am very grateful. However, it only has 2 small rooms (one the size of a small bathroom with 1 bed no wardrobe, the other has a small double and a single and wardrobe). My husband and the babies will sleep in the room with the double and single, my mum goes in the small room by herself because she is a very loud snorer and my dad sleeps on a bed that we bring downstairs (he and my mum have separate rooms at home as well). Also, my extended family want to come away with us so they’ve booked a separate cottage. Since my sister has found out they are going, she wants to come too, so my mum said she can sleep on the floor with her in the tiny room. All of this would be fine, except my sister is very hard to live with. Due to her OCD she spends hours in the bathroom, has showers at 2am, wakes up very late in the day, is generally moody most of the time and has screaming swearing arguments with my mum (imagine the worst argument you’ve ever witnessed, they’ve even gotten physical before). My mum does everything for her even though she is an adult like her washing and breakfast in bed. My sister has never washed up or anything ever in her life. Basically, I am dreading the holiday now she is coming as I already have two very small children who’s needs are very high. I can sort of see both sides as I don’t want my sister to be left out of the holiday as I feel sorry for her and I’m sure that’s how my mum feels too. I also realise it’s my mum and dad who are paying so it’s up to them. But at the same time, I wish she would have just let me have this week away since she gets to have one in the summer. What would you do? Would you go or not? Would you say anything? What should I do?

Your sister needs to book her own accommodation, or you need to cancel and not go.

Can you ask her if she's planning to swap weeks? Do you get summer instead? Ask her not to go? Tell her the children will make it too hard for her?

cpuld you offer to pay for a hotel room for her? Would be cheaper then one big enough for you potentially?

Could you not raise the issue from the perspective that it’s not going to be ideal for her, the kids or the rest of you to all share the same space and would your parents be willing to help towards finding you and your family another place nearby?

From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound relaxing for anyone in that cottage but you need to broach the topic by finding a solution and not isolating your sister as you said.

It’s very tricky but I do think address it in some way beforehand as I imagine leaving it until you’re there will just result in all these emotions coming bubbling up.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'd spell out to her the impact of you all being there together:
Sis, you can't... swear in front of the kids/sleep until noon if there's a 2yo running around/shower at 2am in case you wake the baby etc etc.
Then suggest she books her own separate accommodation. And if that doesn't happen, don't go.

It doesn't sound like a holiday at all more of an endurance test - could you go for the week in summer instead ?

Swap weeks.

just cancel its hassle you dont need right now.

Sounds horrendous. Id swap weeks or not go.

Surely a relaxing week at home would do you more good?

Swap weeks to the summer, that sounds awful.

Honestly, if I were your mum, I’d accommodate your sister. She needs support.

This is OPs holiday , not the sisters. The parents can support both daughters but not together.
To be honest OP I would refuse to go if the sister comes too. It’s just too many people in a small cottage

I wouldn't go and use the next year to save up and get a cabin or a caravan somewhere nice and peaceful.

I'd say to your parents you now can't go.
Your sister will wake the children with her showering during the night and you're not prepared to have your DC expose d to her screaming and swearing.
Let your parents then suggest a solution such as a swap for summer

I wouldn't go. Sounds like a nightmare.

You'd honestly willingly go on that holiday if you were op? You have the patience of a saint.

Just don't go if your sister is going. That sounds like hell. A week off staycation where you spend all the money you would have spent in Cornwall on ready meals and cheap new creative toys would be far more fun surely?

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday, what with the complicated sleeping arrangements and difficulties your sister might cause.

Your baby won't care about being on holiday, in fact having its routine disrupted might upset it, and two year olds will have fun wherever they are.

So I'd be inclined to give the holiday with Mum & Dad a miss this year. Perhaps have a couple of days out at places close to home, or do things like picnics in the garden, ice creams around the paddling pool etc.
That would all be more relaxing than coping with family dynamics in a tiny cramped cottage.

Start saving a Holiday Fund, so that next year you can choose where your family go on holiday.

I would talk to your parents before and check that they are going to speak to your sister about what behaviour is acceptable when you’re all sharing a place. Or do it yourself.

Honestly I think if she’s already been invited she’s coming. I think you have to work out wherever you’d rather go and at least have a holiday, or just not go this time and make up an excuse- like baby sleeping badly in strange places etc.

Or could you afford a hotel/ airbnb/ camp
nearby for a few days?

Afterwards though I’d definitely have a word with your mum and be clear that you’d love to come next year and you really missed it, but thinking about it the whole thing in that property won’t work if your sister is invited, so she knows that if she invites her again you’ll not be coming.

I have a family member like this and I just wouldn’t go; I’d speak to your parents and say that it’s not fair on the grandchildren; there’s no way I’d have my DC spend time around arguments like that and hope they might tell your sister it won’t work but otherwise I wouldn’t go

A bigger conversation is probably needed about them enabling this behaviour but when it’s so embedded it will take time to make changes (if they are even willing to) so I wouldn’t hold out much hope it will change for this holiday

Tell your parents that because your sister will be there you can’t risk her behaviour upsetting your kids. It sounds like your parents accommodate her needs no matter what. Your mother saying that she’ll sleep on the floor for example shows that they seem almost afraid of saying no to your sister. Stay at home and say it’s a holiday at home. Plan great activities, dinners/takeaways, enjoy this time as a family with no rushing about.

Sounds like a nightmare, not like a holiday. Are you allowed 5 adults in this tiny rental?
Go in the summer instead.

I am sure the rental property has a maximum number of people who can stay. Look at the contract