Becoming a mum has ruined my life

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The problem is I love my beautiful, innocent baby beyond comprehension. My heart has expanded - but very much to the detriment of my well being

Before having kids horrible stories of child abuse would of course make me sad but now I am a mother whenever I hear of a child being abused/harmed I spiral emotionally. I grieve for the child. In manifests as intense anxiety, nausea and light headedness. It’s not a case of transferring the harm onto my child. Just knowing a child has suffered hurts.

I know my child is safe and well. But knowing that millions of children are suffering is almost unbearable.

What is wrong with me??

I think it happens to lots of parents. As a childless woman it used to annoy me when I'd see comments like "as a parent this is heart breaking"-as if it isn't when you're not one. But it does seem to be more intense and upsets parents more in general. I think it's because they can't help but imagine what it'd be like if it happened to their own child maybe?

I feel the same hearing about people being cruel to dogs. Knowing how vulnerable and trusting they are with humans and how anyone could break that trust makes me inconsolable. Also hearing stories of people whose dog has died alongside (admittedly over sentimental) poetry has me in floods.

Conversely similar stories about children elicits very little emotional response in me.

Oxytocin is a very powerful drug.

Speak to your GP. I've been on citalopram since not long after the birth of my second 3 months ago and its really helped with these anxious feelings. I didn't have PND, just anxiety which had been festering for years.

I'm very careful now about what I watch/consume media wise since I became a mum 3.5 years ago.

I too cannot bear the idea of any harm coming to any child.

I donate to baby babies, donate to charities and just focus on my little family.

We can raise good people and that is our responsibility

Before I had my son 2.5 years ago I could read books and watch movies about all sorts. But since having him even the slightest suggestion of abuse makes me sick to my stomach , I'd actually cry my eyes out. Having a child creates an instinct in us to protect them and I suppose it extends to all children really. How you are feeling is very common and there's definitely nothing wrong with you or that feeling

Becoming a parent definitely opens up your emotions. I was never one to cry at films/tv shows but I blubbed my eyes out last week watching titanic when the mum settles her children into bed and reads them a story knowing that the ship is sinking. My partner says he feels the same since we’ve become parents too and had tears in his eyes when someone’s son died in a tv show we watched recently.

But of course if it’s so intense it’s impacting your life in general as you’ve said, you should speak to your GP or health visitor.

In your arms you are holding the most precious thing in the world to you. You love and care and adore your child.

news stories that before we’re abstract are now concrete - when you hear about a little one being hurt - you look down at your baby and see their tiny helpless body and can my help but think why? How? Could anyone hurt a precious child.

you see the stories differently now because you have experienced the overwhelming love Towards your baby and it breaks your heart thinking that another child is not experiencing that.

your empathy shows you are a lovely and loving person.

what is important is that you don’t become overwhelmed / fixated by the evil in the world as let’s be honest - there is a lot.

it might be worth seeking out some counselling / therapy around this to help you to keep it in perspective and to help you to manage your intense feelings.

you sound like an amazing mum.

It’s normal for you to have a strong reaction to child abuse, but it’s not normal to spend excessive amounts of time thinking about it and for it to consume you on a regular basis when you haven’t seen an article. You need to seek mental health support, so they can consider the possibility you have ocd.

I was the same as you so I stopped reading, watching and listening to the news. I get the occasional news story through mumsnet but no where near what I was consuming before. Even before I had children, if I heard a horrible news story it was all I could think of for days and even now, years later, some still haunt me. I think think the problem is I'm more empathetic than the average person so some things really stick. I recommend cutting out the news, it's very freeing and something practical you can do to help.

Do the thoughts disturb sleep? Intrude on daily life? If yes, it’s worth seeking help.

If no, but you now have a strong emotional reaction, that’s totally normal. I cried daily for several weeks about Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, just a horrific thing to do to a child and devastating to think about.

Equally, whenever I’m pregnant, I can’t watch anything remotely violent or sad - it’s just too much.

Yes, my DH was affected too. He was a lawyer who had to deal with child abuse cases and I would find him in tears over his work from time to time. He still got it dine but he couldn’t detach the way he did before.
my kids are now mid late teens and I would say it’s easier now but you never go back to where you were before. I have eyes on stalks for any kid who looks lost or in trouble.

OP, you're a parent now. What you're experiencing is entirely normal. I had to stop reading/watching the news in the end. Anything involving children just ruined me.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was feeding DS2 at 10pm, got him back off to sleep, continued reading online new articles, felt so awful for tiny child in the story that I had to go and smother my own child in kisses, woke him up in doing so, he finally went back off to sleep around 3am, DS1 woke up at 5am.

As they get older it gets slightly easier but now anything with a teenager floors me.

I think it's very normal to have these sorts of feelings after having children, mine are now teenagers but I still can't bear news stories or films/books about any sort of cruelty to children. I also teach 4-5 year olds and I feel that I'm a far more compassionate teacher now than when I started teaching in my twenties. Having said that, the title of your post refers to motherhood having ruined your life, and it sounds as if the intensity of your feelings is having an impact on your day to day life. This is also really common after having a baby, but it would be good to investigate counselling or speak to your GP or health visitor about it, so that you can get some support to help you deal with your new life as a mum. I had counselling after the birth of my first child and it was so helpful. Getting extra help is nothing to be ashamed of, we all need it sometimes and we all have the right to feel as happy and secure as possible in life. Good luck, you sound like a wonderfully caring mum ❤️

Really relate to this op.

Since having my twins I cannot cope with hearing/reading about children suffering.

Now that I know first hand how innocent and pure children are it is unbearable to think about.

I think it's natural after you become a mother.

I think this is common. My youngest is now 8, but I still can't watch (for example) a drama in which a child is harmed- let alone stories on the news without it really affecting me. I avoid these things. Otherwise, and previously, I am one of the least sentimental people you are likely to ever meet.

Short term fix - stop looking at any news items. Try that for 6 months and see how you feel then. I had to completely stop, I was lying awake at night upset by it all. I've asked my family and friends not to talk about it in front of me too. I'm not uninformed, it's impossible to avoid picking up information as you go through the world, but I don't feel the need to immerse myself in misery every day.inknow loads of others who are now doing the same, and we all feel much more normal again.

This is common, I'm exactly the same. Obviously it was always upsetting to read about anything happening to children before my DC, now however it's much more intense. My DH is actually worse and can't bear to hear anything/watch any movies that vaguely suggest a child in peril.

I think given your DC is only 7months you are also still in the midst of the hormone rollercoaster and general adjustment to life so it feels even more raw at the moment.

That being said, if you feel these stories are seriously affecting you more than you think is to be expected, please speak with your HV or GP.

To a certain degree this is part of becoming a mother

ever since having children I simply cannot read or listen to any stories of child abuse/child harm. I click away

on the plus side you are now part of the universal gang of mothers who all look out for eachother’s babies and kids and form an invisible force shield of protection around them🧡

if it gets too much to bear maybe talk to a health professional as too much anxiety is not good obviously

It sounds like post natal anxiety. I had a form of this and didn't recognise it until it had passed.

Day to day parenting I loved but I had lots of anxiety about the world and deep all consuming sadness about anything to do with children and animals.

It did get better once my hormones calmed down a bit. Do see a GP though.

These thoughts are more normal than you think. Its extreme anxiety. GP visit OP

Something fundamentally shifts when you have a baby and you feel really vulnerable. Then as you get used to being a parent, you develop confidence in your abilities to keep them safe and before you know it you worry about school and friendships. But you do grow a layer of thick skin and it doesn’t derail you in the same way. You’re growing and you will not always feel overwhelmed by worry, this is relatively normal I think. Congratulations on your baby, I miss mine being so tiny. ❤️

As to HOW to fix it, I’d say GP for anxiety and don’t watch the news. I was never a particularly big fan of violent tv programs etc but I can’t watch anything remotely violent now and it’s because I’ve developed much more compassion for others.

I am also like this, not as bad as when my DC were babies but it has never gone away and I cannot watch or read anything that might possibly involve cruelty towards or accidents of children in any way.

When my firstborn was a baby I used to make DH pre-watch films or tv shows to make sure there was nothing like that in them. I had to totally avoid the news, it eventually got better but it never leaves you, it’s a protective instinct.

It is why I try to always call out people on here talking about how they ‘hate’ children or call a child ‘it’ or talk about children as though they are the possessions of parents and compare them to dogs. Children are innocent people deserving of protection and nurturing from society, this is what will make them decent adults.

Agree with this i had my first baby at the back end of lockdown.
i am now DEEPLY affected by all of those lockdown abuse stories i really have to stop reading them...

i think this is quite normal.

i haven't watched a scary film since my first pregnancy, I used to love thrillers. I now skip over sad news stories too especially child abuse but also just general news of people suffering. A report of Israel bombing a hospital ward of premature babies had me in tears recently. My tolerance for human suffering has plummeted since becoming a mum.