Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

I agree with this, but funnily enough a few people on this thread are pushing boundaries and being very bossy towards the op. Perhaps people need to back off a little and understand the op can and will only go at her own speed

She needs time to think, ponder & reflect the best way to deal with it which is true to herself, and she's comfortable and confident in

Whilst this is true- the OP said the stress of it is causing her chest pains and anxiety. Her friend is also texting her constantly so she doesnt really have time to reflect and ponder on it if she is getting a barage of daily messages from this friend- hence why people are saying to say no now or block.

I do get it- I struggled with people pleasing for a long time, but if its causing physical symptoms like chest pains then something must be done, thats a clear sign from your body that it has to stop- you cant live your life in constant anxiety, thats really unhealthy. Overthinking something like this when you have anxiety isnt helpful- you end up ruminating and fretting. Taking action can be challenging in the moment but in the long run, it does far less damage to your mental health than the slow drip effect of feeling resentment, guilt and stress over a protracted period of time.

One of the best things we can learn is that it's ok to change your mind. Just as it's ok to make mistakes.

She sounds exhausting! Definitely put your boundaries in. Saying “no I’m sorry….” is allowed, at any time with anyone. But mean it….just like with children and dogs you have to mean it or they’ll take the p1ss!

Anyway. I've had more messages from her today, but haven't acknowledged them yet.

OP, so you have delayed responding to her. That’s a good start, well done.
But if you are really serious about stopping her from using you, delaying responding for a few hours might just make her want to tighten her control on you even more.

You are really suffering now from her leeching into too many aspects of your life and it’s clear from your additional information, each time you post, that there’s no way of keeping her as a friend if she is making you this anxious.
No way of being half hearted about it. It’s not a situation now, where she will lighten up and suddenly become the sort of friend you want her to be. On the contrary, her friendship style is ringing alarm bells here. Her conduct is far from acceptable. You are right to take issue with it. It surely can’t be allowed to continue.

It’s crunch time really isn’t it. You have to decide what you want ….either accept her growing control on your life as well as the erosion of your autonomy, or accept that the friendship has run its course.
It’s a big decision where you have to weigh up the effect of her selfish manipulation on your own mental health, your work, and your time with hour DH against the benefits she brings to your life, taking into account that there really is no magic solution to this dilemma you face.

I suggest you don’t even think of lying your way out of the holiday by hoping some sort of ‘rock solid’ excuse will suddenly reveal itself.
There is no shame in being honest….it really is the best way. You dread having to go, so don’t go. That’s your prerogative.

OP, could you bring yourself to respond simply to those messages yesterday by saying something like this….
I have taken advice and now realise that I want to take a long break from our friendship for the sake of my health, as it’s causing me too much stress and anxiety. Don’t text me or contact me please as I won’t respond, - I will let you know when I feel better. I won’t be going on the night out or the holiday. I won’t be accepting any more of your parcels. I wish you well.
All the best, Brownbreadd

Then you will definitely need to block her as she will no doubt try to take back control.
Take a long break from her OP and see how you feel without the anxiety she causes.

You’ve summarised how you feel beautifully.

I feel like she relies on me for her happiness. When she is bored she wants to see me, etc. but I can't stretch myself in so many directions.. I am trying to keep a job, a home, look after pets etc and see other loved ones and friends. It doesn't all revolve around her.

Small tweak and send that to her. Time to cut the cord and not go on that holiday. Personally I’d pay NOT to go away with her.

Feeling frustrated asking for advice on a forum is hardly bitching. Jeez.

Stop being kind, in her eyes you are a weak pushover. Stand you ground, tell her you no longer have the time or energy to be sucked into her bullying world. Block her , oh and send her parcels back to where they came

Sounds like two crazy grown women who were looking for friendship online. It was never going to end well. Your hostility towards her new bf is weird you have a husband and claim she is your good friend yet don’t want to double date…

I really feel for you. She sounds horrendous; selfish and bullying.

I'm quite introverted but used to feel somehow obligated to put others' happiness above my own, but this gradually became untenable for me. I just got sick of constantly feeling put upon and used, never having my efforts and kindness reciprocated, and not having time to do what I wanted.

So I just stopped.

I stopped offering to do things when heavy hints were dropped (sick of being a chauffeur and gofer), stopped pushing down my feelings of reluctance/dread/resentment to make other people happy, and started to politely but firmly say no. I didn't go into huge explanations or excuses...I just said I didn't want to/wouldn't be doing X or Y.

Surprise, surprise, some 'friends' subsequently fell off the radar, but it just showed them up for the users they actually were, so no loss.

You need to start putting your needs and wants ahead of her's. This isn't a proper friendship - she's using you and you're letting her. Tell her you won't be going to the event and reiterate that you've already explained why she and her partner cannot stay at yours that night. Tell her not to have parcels delivered to your home and say you'll leave them on her doorstep if she continues to (out her spending to her family!). Seriously consider cutting your losses and pulling out of the holiday.

You really need some space from this person, and if she isn't able to respect your feelings and boundaries, fade her out

You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

I've read all your posts and honest to God, I'm suffocated by it!
I really think she's unhinged! She'd call your work to tell them you "need time off"...???
My advice is, DON'T go on the holiday. Just say that you don't want to, she forced you into it. Cause an almighty argument and never speak to her again.
Get your husband to answer the phone to get calls and reply to her texts.

Op you just need to be very firm and say 'NO! That doesn't work for me at all'.
I have a friend similar to this. We've been friends for years but not super close.
We got closer a few years ago and started spending more time together but I was going through a rough patch and I stopped drinking altogether and so didn't want to go on nights out ect.
Suddenly I was 'boring' 'old before my time' ect whilst she constantly tried to talk me into nights out, clubbing ect..we are in our 40s!
I'm happy to go out for a meal and some drinks in the evening or do normal stuff like shopping, days out, catch up over lunches ect.
But the constant pressure on me to do what she wanted because she is unhappy in her own life was exhausting and I got sick of running out of excuses. Meantime we just spent less time together because all she wanted was to talk about (bully me) into planning nights out
I realised she didn't want a friend and had no interest in me or my life ..she just wanted a wingman so she had someone to go out with so she could get drunk, dance all night and get chatted up by random strangers to make herself feel better. She's married ffs.
I just stopped replying to her messages and didn't see her for months even though she lives in the next street. I bumped into her a few weeks back and we chatted and I had missed her but within minutes she was saying oh we have to go away clubbing for the night.
No...we don't!
Your friend isn't being a friend..she's using you to fill empty bits in her life and doesn't care about you at all .bin her off!
You will feel so much better

@brownbreadd I think you need to change your mindset about her. Stop viewing her as a friend. She isn't a friend.

View her as an abusive, manipulative stalker to whom you owe nothing.

Once you stop viewing her as a friend maybe you will find it easier to tell, not ask, her to leave you alone. Cancel the holiday and night out, get your husband to stand up for you more (in my view he isn't doing enough. My DH would probably have told her to piss off long before now). And tell her to stop getting parcels sent to you. Leave a notice outside that you will no longer accept parcels addressed to her.

What is the worst that can happen?

I think people like this really get off on the control thing. It's very disturbing when you step back and see it for what it is. But it is very hard to see it when you're in it

Good friends make you happy OP not feeling ill by bombarding you with text messages.
Good friends listen- she doesn’t.
I think this friendship has run its course.
Talk to your husband get his perspective and support.This lady is making you feel ill by her constant bombarding you with demands & you shouldn’t feel like that.

If she can afford all these expensive holidays how can she not afford a room at a B&B for the night out with her chap?

You're giving her the impression that if she keeps hounding you, you'll eventually give in & say yes. When she sends links & asking you to go out to places you don't want to go to say 'No thanks, not my thing' & keep repeating it. Be assertive & don't give in to her. If she persist just message her saying' I'm really not wanting to upset you but PLEASE STOP sending messages, I've said NO & mean NO'. ask the delivery people to stop dropping off her parcels at your address. If it carries on then you need to consider her friendship & whether you want to carry it on as it does seem very one sided.

I agree with this. I think some people on here are being a bit rough telling you to grow a backbone and so on. I've some direct experience of this type of situation (close family member went through something like this) and as you're autistic this can mean you're easily taken advantage of without the capacity to handle it. It isn't necessarily about being 'too nice', it's about navigating a very difficult social situation.

Similarly to @RampantIvy I think your husband could help you out more, but maybe he doesn't know how bad the situation is? I'd urge you to ask him to help you deal with it, or to ask a therapist as it sounds as if it is making you dangerously stressed (chest pains etc).

Maybe you need to just write down your priorities in life and what outcomes you want - it sounds like you value your marriage, your family, work, home, pets. Resolve to prioritise them for now, and give your time and energy to what will make you happy and secure. Realise this person is an obstacle to that, and get your husband to help you write a text to that effect to her - or ask him to write to her instead if you feel that you can't and then block her number and delete it from your phone.

First step is to not reply soon like ur fingers keep it brief. If u need little white lies to get out of something, do it. If she digs to find out the truth call her up on it for stalking u then distance yrself more. Why wd u want to go away with anyone other than yr husband? Seems like ur both at different stages of yr life and shdnt be so intertwined. Remember we all say distance yrself so when she msgs say nothing cos we're all sitting on yr shoulder saying so.

I don't think there's any need for white lies - OP (and any of us) should be able to say we need to step back from a friendship for a while and that should be respected. 'Hi X, thanks for your message. I want you to know I need to step back from being in touch with you for a while as I've a lot to deal with in my personal life that I don't want to burden you with. It means I've to cancel going to the concert and on holiday. I'll be in touch in due course but meanwhile, hope all goes well for you. Bye'

This doesnt sound like the sort of person who will take no for an answer, do they? Hence tactics needed!

Ignoring the messages or not replying to them isn't going to get the underlying issue (her hassling you on a constant basis) to go away.

You need to and in fact you simply MUST reply to whatever her last message was saying something like this (and to hell with whether or not she is offended or her nose is put out of joint, it should be - anyway here is the suggested text you should reply with):

Hi X - I haven't replied to all of your messages because I simply do not have the energy to any more. Since my last reply to you, you have sent me X number of messages. This is exhausting. I am sorry but I need time to myself at the moment and I'm going to take this opportunity to say to you that I cannot go on the holiday with you and you cannot stay with DH and I after the upcoming event - I'm not even sure I'll be attending at this point. Please can you stop sending messages to me and just leave me alone for the time being. I'm fine but I just need space and you're not giving me the space I need. I'll be in touch at some stage in the future. All the best @brownbreadd "

If you send her that message and she still contacts you, block her!

Sounds like she has complex emotional needs which probably keeps others at bay so explains why she says she has noone else to ask. You're obviously a very kind and patient person, but you need to be firmer with her in your responses.

Maybe it's time you called a meeting with her on neutral ground and take her to task over the way she has behaved towards you, not recognising and appreciating your reasons for not wanting to submit to all her plans, wanting everything on her terms. You might want to have those screen shots ready to show as an example if she disputes how she has behaved.

You must explain to her that this suffocating behavious is spoiling the friendship for you and causing you anxiety, and if she cannot change her ways then you might have to, regretably, consider parting ways permanently in order to preserve your own mental health.

In fact, it may be a good idea for her to get some kind of therapy as she sounds rather unstable and 'needy'. Good luck.

Omg just say no! And keep saying it!

You most be so overwhelmed by the advice you have been given and the harassment you are getting from your "friend".

I'm just going to send you a hug x

I think your choice to openly bitch about her on mumsnet says a lot about you.

Why is that some people are supportive of everyone except the person whose life is being made miserable?