Friend taking advantage of me. I am not a hotel!

[brownbreadd]

it's a long one!!!! Buckle in!

So I met a new friend online on a Facebook forum locally whereby we realised that we had a lot of the same interests, and therefore decided after a little while of talking to me up for coffee.. eventually things progressed in our friendship and we became quite close...fast forward 2 years are now very good friends!

I have recently started to notice a few things that do not sit well with me and I would consider to be red flags. I don't know if it is just me being paranoid or sensitive so I wanted to pop something up here to get others opinions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months back, DH and I finally sold our house after having been on the market for quite a while... things were going really well, and it was naturally a very busy time for us. We found another property that we liked and we had progressed quite far down the chain in regards to getting the move going!

During this time, my friend would hound me sometimes four times a day (yes really, I've got the screenshots!) about different holidays and trips that she wanted to go on because her annual leave calendar had been updated for the year.
As I say this was a very busy time for us and we were constantly having to get things sorted legally, attending appts etc and so I kept telling her that unfortunately at this point in time I cannot guarantee when or if I can go away with her because I have so much going on at home. My husband and I were also about to start a new job each at the time.. so it was really all very hectic!

She would absolutely hound me from the moment that I woke up to the minute that I would go to bed and even though I kept being polite and declining the offers and explaining my reasons why, she would constantly bombard me with messages and screenshots of holidays. Got to the point where I dreaded opening my phone when I saw a message from her in the morning, and she was putting me in such a negative headspace that I was taking it out on my poor DH. 🥺

Eventually, she caught me on a really hard day through other reasons that I won't go into... and I ended up caving and booking something with her for a few months time. I am really not looking forward to it to be honest and would much rather be here at home as I recently started my new job and I'm missing vital training time. This is by the by, I cannot do anything about it now. It is a holiday for just me and her, my husband is staying at home due to working commitments.

Anyway, in the end, unfortunately a couple of months after the sale etc our buyers had to pull out for financial reasons. It was gutting, we lost chunks of money and the home we loved and were accepted on... but I guess we are able to go on the holiday, but it just feels completely tainted in the fact that she would not take no for an answer from me, even though I was continuously explaining my reasons..

Fast forward to now and she has met a new man who I have met only a small handful of times. He seems nice enough, but I do not know anything about him literally other than his name and profession.

A few weeks ago, my friend started hounding me about an event that she wanted to go to locally one weekend. I suffer greatly with extreme anxiety and ASD and drinking and clubs is really not my scene at all. It makes me highly anxious and it's honestly just my worst nightmare being in that type of situstjon. She went on and on at me so much that again I ended up cracking and saying that I will go with her. It was quite odd. She even made me pinky promise..

As I mentioned earlier, I am now in my new job, and have since had my rots through for this point in time whereby I am actually scheduled to work the following day on an early shift, so I am actually dreading going out even more now because I want to be able to excel in my job and function properly at work the following day. It's likely I won't be home until early hours of the morning of the day I'm expected into work. My job is set on high performance targets and I don't function well regardless on no / little sleep. I won't be hungover as I don't drink, but I will be shattered!!!!!

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, she has now met said new man and he has been asked to come along with us to said event, along with my husband now, too. She has said she wants to make it a double date

This morning I received a message from my friend asking if her and her new man can sleep round at mine and DH's house the evening of this event because they have looked into hotels and they are coming out too expensive so they want somewhere free to stay overnight. They both still live with family at home.

My initial reaction to this message was that it was extremely cheeky and rude to ask. I have work the next morning and I have also got a viewing scheduled on our home that morning too. It would not be suitable to have guests in the house that morning when I need to tidy up and prepare for the viewing!

That aside, I do not know this man at all, I don't know anything about him, what he's like etc. I feel in a vulnerable position because the house is often empty due to mine and my partners working schedule, and I don't know who this man might know / what he could do. Not saying he would, but I'm extremely wary already living in a remote location.

I took me a good hour to muster up the courage to text her back. I did, and told her unfortunately this would not be possible because I have work the next day and I also have a home viewing. Yet again, my word was not good enough for her, and she has gone on and on about the fact that accommodation in the area we are going out in is too expensive and they just want to spend one night together...

this obviously makes me feel really uncomfortable, not only the fact that I don't know him but also the fact that they want to spend the night together under my roof!!!!! All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Is it weird that I almost find this more insulting?! It's like they are just using me as a place to sleep together before heading out for the day the next day!!! I just feel completely used and as though my word NO is not good enough or respected.

Not only does she do things like this, but she also often has her deliveries and parcels directed to my home address without having ever asked me if that is okay. I often come home to find parcels of all shapes and sizes on my doorstep addressed to her, and a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for bed at 11 pm when my ring doorbell alerted me movement outside of my home. I checked my ring doorbell and it was her at 11 pm on my driveway collecting a parcel from my front doorstep. She did not once ask me if she could come at that time of night or even if she could have anything delivered to my address AT ALL. in fact she has never asked!!

when I asked her about this, she told me that she cannot have things delivered to her home address since she still lives with her family and they become concerned with her spending habits because she continually has parcels arriving. So, she has to have them delivered to my address to hide that from the family.

Through all of this, I am trying to run my home, maintain a good relationship with my poor DH who is constantly working. I am also trying to excel in my new job, and maintain the house for the market and viewings... to be honest it feels as though she is trying to make things difficult for us.

I am not entirely sure what I am asking here...

I guess I just need an outsiders perspective? I feel like I'm being used and abused for my Home, my address for her parcels, and as somebody that she can fill her free time with. I just feel as though the friendship is very one-sided...

I think I mentioned above, I do suffer extreme anxiety and ASD, so I am sure if it is overreacting or being paranoid... I just feel as though I want this holiday over and done with and then I want to try and distance myself from her a little.

Almost as soon as this holiday was booked, she was then sending me other holidays for later in the year. When I was saying no to the first holiday; she kept telling me that she cannot function without a years worth of plans in advance and that she doesn't know anyone but me, she needs to book up as much as she can with me.

I tried to gently explain to her that I have also got my own things that I want to book, such as special anniversary trip with my husband later in the year!! I think she has been so used to almost being the third person in our relationship for so long, she almost feels as though it is a given that she will attend anything like this with us! I have just tried to make her feeling included where she has been continuously saying how lonely she is.

There is nothing odd going on (!!!) but for example, if DH and I are popping out for a bite to eat, and she is asking me what I'm doing, I will offer for her to come along etc.

When I mentioned about the fact that I will also want holidays later in the year with my husband, she became funny about the fact that I had not asked if she wants to come along. I can only hope that now she has met this new man, hopefully they can start to organise things together themselves.

I feel bad as my fuse is getting shorter, but I am really struggling to regulate my emotions around this situation, and feel as though I am being used and abused. I have plenty of other friends who are low maintenance and lovely and would never be like this to me.

As I say, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here but perhaps an outsiders perspective would help me!

Thank you in advance and thank you for reading if you got this far!!!

You are way too nice.

I would have responded LONG before now with, I said NO what do you not understand about that?

I'm sorry this is causing you so much anguish you have posted this here.

You just need to learn to say no. No I don't want to, no that won't work, absolutely not I don't like doing that. She might try and guilt trip you - so what? You're not responsible for her loneliness or whatever and you're not obliged to say yes just because it's easier to back down.

I have horrible chest pains from all of the stress

Kindly, it's time to get a perspective on this. It's totally unhealthy. You have to stop what is happening.

Speak to your OH. Ask him to help you. Put together a plan.

But this is you're problem right here! You very to say if you're going on that holiday or not. The reason that you think you need a good excuse is because you've given in so often before.

I mean this kindly OP, but you need to "just say no!" Your are under no obligation to explain your reasons for not going. In fact its best you don't explain. That gives her less less leverage to manipulate you.

You've paid for the holiday, that still does not mean you have to go. You have the choice to forfeit that money, and use the loss as a constant reminder of what happens when you let people steamroller you.

I know you find this hard, but you've been given so much advice on support on here, plus your DH sound like he could help. As someone else had said, ask him!

*Through various reasons (I absolutely HATE lying) I feel like it's going to be the only way I can get out of this. She won't take a simple 'I don't want to go' so I'm honestly not sure what to say.

It needs to be solid.. 🥺*

No you don't need to think of a good, solid reason" !!!!!

This is how you make it so difficult and complicated for yourself.

The reason is YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. That's it.

Make a decision and forget this " she won't take this or that answer". That is up to you not her.

My heart goes out to you OP.

This is why you need to just be honest, OP.

You say she 'won't accept' you saying you don't want to go, but she would HAVE to. She can't physically force you to pack a bag and go to the airport!

I think you yourself need to accept that she cannot make you do ANYTHING. She's a CF for pushing and pushing to get her way but you have to take some of the responsibility because you keep giving in to her. You need to stop that.

There's no need for lies. If you tell a lie, no matter how solid it is, you'll be right back in the same position over something else soon enough. If you learn to just say 'No, I don't want to' then it's done. Once you've put your foot down once, you'll keep doing it, and if she can't handle that then that's her problem.

I’m in the ‘block her’ and refuse to accept parcels. (Put a big sign on the door saying Ms Annoying Woman does not live here. Do not leave parcels. DPD etc will photograph it for their records and take the parcel back.)

I believe using your address for parcel delivery all day and night, without your permission, MAY constitute harassment so you could state in a parting text that if she does not cancel all future deliveries you will take legal action.

Relationships are about balance and there is none in your friendship. As an ASD person myself (with ASD teens) I recognise the people-pleasing, being naive as to their real motives, having a strong/rigid moral compass and deep sense of loyalty, the longing for a friend who really gets you… but we’re vulnerable to CF who ride roughshod over us, people like this woman.

Please give her the boot and make yourself completely unreachable.

I can’t go on the holiday. By all means find someone else to replace me, but I am unable to go.
It is because of a personal reason I can’t discuss now, but just to let you know in plenty of time, I will not be going.
Sorry for any inconvenience, have a great time, from me.

She will have to take a simple “I don’t want to go” if you don’t go. She can’t make you go 🤷‍♀️ I’ll say it again, you need to be more assertive. There are courses in assertiveness that you can take. You will feel less anxious and more confident if you become more assertive.

Has he ever brought up the subject of divorce?

This is just outrageous. I am really sorry you are going through this Op.

She has betrayed your confidence by talking to your hairdresser about your personal issues. She has no respect for you at all. None of my friends would dream of doing that to me.

You can't trust her not to contact your boss and risk jeopardising your relationship with your employer. Her behaviour probably does amount to stalking now, and I honestly think that you should consider letting your boss know that someone is stalking you and may contact them to seek personal details about you. Your employer should have a protocol for managing this.

I am not surprised you do not want to go on the holiday with her and imo you really should not go. You can make the unilateral decision not to go and give any reason you want - that you have too much on at the moment, any personal reason or that you just plain don't want to go. Just get her told (text or email is fine, maybe get your DH to help you write it) then ignore or block any responses.

I feel sad that I can seem to ever find friends that are good for me, with good intentions. I think I trust too easily and give too much of myself. I am fed up of being taken advantage of

No, you don’t trust to easily, you get dragged into things because you want to help and make things better - you aren’t the life saver you want to be - you are Aso being incredibly dishonest. She pushes for an answer because you swerve saying no, then end up agreeing to things you don’t want to do, when she truly believes you do want to go!

Can’t you see what you call ‘people pleasing’ ain’t actually pleasing anyone? You don’t want to go, and she thinks you can’t wait to go. Hence the lies, deceit, and now you feeling sick with anxiety -

Imagine if you said a straight no to start with? No thank you - I hope you find someone who’s like to go with you.

straight - you ar Healy because you didn’t want to go and she can find someone who would enjoy the holiday with her.

Stop making this about her and get a backbone.

All day she has been going on and on about the fact that it would just be one night and that they would be out of our way by the morning.

Start with this. Let's call her Nemesis (unlikely to offend any Mumsnetters)

"Nemesis
I think I've been quite clear. This doesn't work for me and we are not in a position to host you and Billyboy the night of the concert. I will not change my mind so please don't harass me further on this point". (Be clear you see this as harassment)
Pt 2.
I've now been advised that I have a formal training assessment and an exam the morning after the concert. I've put the tickets for DH and I up for sale on ticketreseller.com (do it and post the link with your message). I hope you and Billyboy have a great time, wish me luck for my exam!

Then move onto parcels and hols. The message about stolen parcels is a good one. Use that. And put up a sign for the carriers.

The next holiday message you get

"Nemesis
DH and I have lost a lot of money with the house purchase going south. We would like to celebrate our wedding anniversary next year and it's the only holiday we will be having in 2025. It will take us a year to save for that. As it stands I can only come to X with you this year as it's fully paid for.
Please don't send me any other messages or links to hols. It will not be possible. "
If she ignore you, tell her that you won't be harassed like this, you've been very clear and you are reconsidering going to X this year with her/ have decided to cancel the trip as her behaviour is not that of a friend.
If it escalates, call the police. Make sure you keep a record of texts and messages esp since they can be deleted retrospectively.

Give me her number and I'll sort it! I'm sorry but she's more a stalker than a friend. I would cut contact sooner rather than later.

I think I would have pressed the "block" button at the stage if "hounding me 4 times a day" bit ,OP.
You have ASD , often this is given as a nasty view of Autistic people , giving people a nasty view of social ineptness or a lack if care for our fellow human beings. This is one example of ,you caring too much , wanting a friend but not putting the appropriate boundaries in place. The complete opposite of a cold uncaring, autistic stereotype. It is OK to let go OP. You are correct in your assertions re being taking advantage of. I have adhd but not asd and have similar difficulties. Love to you .

You sound like a lovely, kind, caring person and I can totally relate to your situation as in the past I was a people pleaser.

In the end I just got so fed up of always being taken for granted and having people take advantage of my good nature.

Please don't be afraid to say how you feel to your friend.
Your friend is taking your kindness for a weakness, she sounds so cheeky and doesn't seem to have any consideration for your feelings and needs.

You seem like a wonderful person and it seems as if you have been a good friend to her too and she is just demanding more and more.
I think she will just get worse if you don't address her behaviour how.

Good luck

Could the new fellow go on the holiday with her instead, and pay you back the money? It isn't worth going on a "holiday" because you've paid a chunk of money with someone who is giving you chest pains when you try (only in your mind, mostly) to stand up for yourself against her demands.

I completely relate to the panic around certain personalities and the thought of saying no, when you want to say no - or "Go away! Leave me alone! Take a hint!" - but your husband can help you with all of this, so that's a plus.

You simply have to be more assertive, even if it hurts her feelings. Tell nicely but firmly No, and then refuse to engage in the conversation further. If she continues to bring it up, tell her you have to go and sign off/stop responding.

Our childhoods don't match, but I can completely look back and see times over the years I've let people stamp all over me in the same way. I understand. Just gonna catch up with the rest of the thread. Hoping you've got your power to close this shit down in a way that's comfortable for you.

I agree with this, but funnily enough a few people on this thread are pushing boundaries and being very bossy towards the op. Perhaps people need to back off a little and understand the op can and will only go at her own speed.

She needs time to think, ponder & reflect the best way to deal with it which is true to herself, and she's comfortable and confident in.

I agree also. There are people who respond to boundaries and others who see them as challenges to overcome/bulldoze. OP could do an assertiveness course this weekend and graduate with flying colours - it doesn't matter, as her friend seems to be of the type who do not respect boundaries anyway.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Even if you decide to stay friends, the parcel thing is a no no. I'd suggest you set a tight boundary around using your address.
Also, her planning to have a bonkfest in your home with some bloke is beyond insulting and rude.
Boundaries seem to be something this lady doesn't have - maybe set a few of your own good luck.

She's annoying as hell

You have a point, but I think OP isn't going to find what she needs to do comfortable at all. She's going to have to push beyond the discomfort because the 'friend' is really taking the piss. Asserting boundaries is so hard for a people pleaser, painfully uncomfortable and often quite scary, but well worth it in the end.