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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it a townie thing? Or am I just anti-social?

103 replies

oObyeOo · 18/05/2024 18:09

I live in a very popular part of the UK that basically triples in number the summer months.

It’s the Lakes, so it’s ruralish and lots of space if you know where to go. Yet despite this space…. Like today for example….

Me and family (dh & 11yr old dd) are sitting on the lake shore, really long section of beach. Lots of space as only us and another family approx 20mtrs away.

Another family with younger kids approx 1 and 4 come and sit RIGHT next to us!… About 2 meters away. There’s a whole fucking beach!

Why?!

I think it’s a townie thing… when you live surrounded by people you feel safer/more comfortable next to people.

Whereas if you live rurally you prefer your space more.

OP posts:
3catsandcounting · 19/05/2024 10:21

OP, we're about 40 mins from the lakes; DH and I were once at Fell Foot Park, out of season, more or less had the place to ourselves. Lots of space!
Over the hill came a family/group of around 16, adults, teens and children carrying huge picnic baskets, rugs, toys, etc, and headed straight for us, plonked themselves down within a metre of us, laid out their feast, and ramped up the music on their ghetto-blaster, whilst the teenage boys proceeded to play-fight in front of us, knocking over my coffee.
They seemed surprised when we left.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/05/2024 10:28

oObyeOo · 19/05/2024 08:51

How do you cope living in a city/town?… I’m an introvert and whenever I visit a city I just want to leave again. It’s so overwhelming

Well, unless you're fortunate enough to bump into an unattached farmer on his ten yearly trip to that-there-London or earn an absolute shitload yourself, you create a mental shield that is mostly only penetrated by direct threats and non verbal communication whilst simple physical proximity/personal space is unfortunately almost non existent. Or you go nuts.

The thing with people in London being unfriendly because we won't talk/chat isn't accurate - we're talking all the time. Just not necessarily verbally.

As a general rule, we'd really rather not be that physically close with anybody we're not intimately involved with, but the way to deal with it is through the less confrontational non verbal communication.

If you actually look at the behaviour of people in a very busy environment, you'll see that there is communication going on all the time - like Starlings know not to fly into the Starling next to them, people instinctively shift their positions slightly, pick up their bags off the bus seat next to them just from proximity - whilst there is apparent no eye contact, there's a whole load of being aware of exactly what's going on and interacting without having to say a word. We'll know that particular person is best avoided, that it might look close but there's plenty of time to get across the road and that driver isn't one of those whose right foot is ten tons heavier than normal (so won't lift off the accelerator onto the brake that easily), going by their road positioning and engine noise, that person over there is clearly unfamiliar with the area and might need to be told the connecting bus they need stops at the 3rd stop in the row, not this one, or will need a hand to get their shopping trolley off the bus as there's a big drop between bus level and the road at the next stop.

Urban design is supposed to communicate directions to people without needing to tell them (lighting, planters, road shapes, etc) like fencing can be used to shift livestock into pens - unfortunately, some visitors don't understand this communication, which is how you end up with the much detested London offence of stopping dead in front of me looking up and around with your mouth open instead of keeping moving at a normal warp speed and then stepping into one of the eddy sections.

Problems arise when construction doesn't take into account human behaviour - hence carefully designed crossings that aren't used because the actual natural route humans (and other animals) would take cuts directly across a corner or is 7 yards down the road and doesn't involve crossing a road, walking along, crossing at the crossing, then walking back on yourself and crossing another road, for example - blocking the line of sight to the logical route can discombobulate somebody not used to having things blocked, but is normal for somebody who is directed like that when getting out of a tube station all the time.

We don't have to like it and many people cope by not willingly going out unless absolutely necessary (thank fuck for Amazon same day and Ocado, as that saves a lot of stress, never mind the numbers that WFH), using headphones and generally focusing entirely upon getting from A to B without being impeded any more than necessary. Or they wait until they can sell up & move to the countryside expecting peace and quiet, only to find that it's full of smells and noise, church bells, errant sheep and combines going through at night. And lots of people who want to know who you are, where you're from and even if you're having a good morning when you're bravely trying to find your way to the shop on a non pavemented, winding road with gates, weird bits of wall and actual bits of houses sticking out into it of a morning.

Oh, and running/exercise. That's very popular for those physically able to do it, whether it's urban running at stupid o'clock, going out somewhere a bit greener just to get away or hiding in a nice, air conditioned gym where there are again a whole bunch of unspoken rules and communication - coping mechanisms to satisfy the fight or flight (always more useful than the freeze) response.

Kitkat1523 · 19/05/2024 10:41

oObyeOo · 18/05/2024 18:56

Well I fucking hate it!!

Well you should have fucking moved then ….free country and all that

DevotedSisterBelovedCunt · 19/05/2024 10:45

Garlicked · 18/05/2024 22:42

In a lifetime of travelling, I've concluded that 70% of people do this. It's nothing to do with wanting to talk to someone or with place of origin. I think it's some sort of atavistic instinct - which I haven't got - to follow other people's lead. I bet it's the same instinct that makes people join queues before finding out what they're for, or fight for the last one of something even if it isn't what they wanted.

People be weird Confused

Yes, I agree it's this. It's not town/country or north/south, it's an instinct that many people just have.

I certainly have it. I've realised that if I drive into a large but mostly empty car park, my first thought is to park close to (although not directly next to!) the cars that are there. I think it's something to do with that section having been proved as "safe", or at least intended to be parked on, whereas the large empty space... maybe there's some reason you're not meant to go there, and everyone else is aware of it, whatever it is, so you'd be unwise to go against that.

Same in cinemas, and probably campsites if I ever went to one.

I'm aware of this thought process and so go against it, and park in the empty bit. I think for many people though it goes on unnoticed under the surface, hence the situations described here.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2024 10:46

snowlady4 · Yesterday 21:46
Maybe they hoped you'd have a conversation and your kids might play together

Why would anyone ever assume that, particularly at an isolated spot?

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 19/05/2024 10:47

This sort of thing is a bloody nightmare, why people do this is beyond me. I think the only solution is to pick up and move further away yourselves.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 19/05/2024 11:04

I've noticed a similar behaviour with penguins, and they don't live in towns.

mewkins · 19/05/2024 11:16

I don't think it's about where you come from but how sociable you are. I think some people on holiday like to strike up conversations because they want recommendations for where to go/what to do etc. Or else if they spot similar aged kids they may hover near them in the hope the kids will play together. It annoys me a bit as my dog doesn't particular like strangers even though she looks cute.

napody · 19/05/2024 11:54

oObyeOo · 19/05/2024 09:40

I was thinking this too… which is why it pissed me off more than it should have

Very understandable!

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/05/2024 11:57

This is a gross generalisation. I have lived in London most of my life and would never do that.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2024 12:06

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/05/2024 19:09

Yes me too!

How is the lakes rural “ish” though? Surely it’s rural?!

Your perception of what is rural is based on where you yourself live.
I can go into more detail if it's not clear.

Lammveg · 19/05/2024 12:08

I think this is actually some weird human instinct.

Kind of like watching a kid loose control on a bike and they head straight towards the only tree around.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2024 12:18

It's been established by research that urban dwellers stand closer to each other than rural ones even when there is space so I don't see why OP is having a hard time for mentioning where the people are from.

MumblesParty · 19/05/2024 14:30

I hate this too OP, and it’s not necessarily people wanting to be sociable. Recently I’d dropped DS and friends at a football match one evening, and I had to wait for them to finish as it was too far to drive home and back again. Tesco was open but the cafe was closed, so I sat in my car. The car park is huge, only about 5 cars in the whole thing, so I parked in a far corner. A couple in a car drove and parked right next to me, literally in the next space, despite the fact that there must have been several hundred free spaces. They sat and ate some food and chatted to each other. No attempt to engage with me. I have no idea why they chose that space.

StormingNorman · 19/05/2024 14:35

Fucking appalling invasion of space. Some people are clueless. Bit like people who sit right behind you on an empty bus.

Therapy4all · 19/05/2024 14:37

SocksAndTheCity · 18/05/2024 18:57

I'm a cityie and I would have done exactly the same.

Thirded

oakleaffy · 19/05/2024 14:39

Revelatio · 18/05/2024 18:11

How do you know they don’t live rurally?

Absolutely this.
It’s silly to assume they live in a city- A fair number of Londoners live between two houses anyway- one in the Shires, one in Town - weekends and holidays are spent in the rural one-
Ditto rural people have a pied a terre in London.

SquashPenguin · 19/05/2024 14:41

Lived most of my life in a city and I wouldn’t do that. They’re just oddities with no concept of personal space.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 19/05/2024 14:46

oObyeOo · 18/05/2024 18:56

Or park next to your car in an empty carpark

I've had this. Came out of the supermarket to find some fucker parked right next to me with no other cars parked anywhere near. Almost empty of cars but yet this fucker parked so close I could not open my car door without hitting their car so had to get in the other side. What is it with some people.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 19/05/2024 14:52

Take your clothes off, no one will come near you 🤣

Davros · 19/05/2024 15:10

I'm a Londoner born and bred

  • sitting or parking near someone else when there's lots of space is simply bad manners imo
  • I talk to strangers and will regularly ask people if they need help if they're looking gormless in the middle of the pavement. I had a chat with the woman sitting next to me on the bus yesterday
  • I cope with living in a busy city because I LIVE here. I know my way around and I've got my own bolt hole called my home. I went up to M&S an hour ago and it was maaad as we are near a Heath and people were going for picnics etc. 5 minutes away, I'm sitting in peace in my garden
buffyslayer · 19/05/2024 15:14

Why would saying you're from preston area mean you live in a city?
There's loads of countryside around here!

LardoBurrows · 19/05/2024 15:15

QueenCamilla · 18/05/2024 22:30

I'm from the continent. I flock and then I get my tits out.

Oh God, you'd be my worst nightmare 😂

StoatofDisarray · 19/05/2024 15:28

It's not a townie thing.What a twattish thing to say.

Dearg · 19/05/2024 16:11

@NeverDropYourMooncup That’s a very well observed analysis of city life.

Op, I have lived in huge US cities , mid sized towns and villages of around 1500 people. At no point would I ever have sat near you, on a bus, train, beach , unless perhaps I felt one of us was vulnerable in some way; nor would I ever choose to park my car near another if there were lots of spaces.

I am a friendly introvert. I am happy to engage with people, but very relaxed on my own. My experience is that city life facilitates the privacy and anonymity I prefer. But given the opportunity to relax on a beach, I would do it as far from others as possible. So, for me YABU.

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