To stop my DC from seeing their grandparents

[Rowrowrowyourboat2024]

Bit of a back story - my younger DB & I were always treated differently when growing up and he's now happily married, owns own home with 3 dc , he works FT and his wife is fortunate to work term time only.

I am a single parent , work part time, all year round, 3 DC and their dad is not involved (my parents cannot bear their dad so we don't mention him when we go there so it doesn't start any arguements)

We have gone round today so they can see the DC - I am low contact by choice but I make the effort for my DCs sake and, as always, their cousins were there having been collected from school last night , treated to magazines and toys and a trip out to the zoo ths morning.

They are forever providing childcare for my DB and his wife - citing they are married and therefore entitled to a break , I made a choice to become a single parent and therefore have to forgo having a life of my own (their words, not mine) so they never watch my DC I have asked on a couple of occasions and have always been told no.

When we left today, my two eldest DC (age 6 and 7) were completely distraught and saddened about how noticeably different they are treated compared to their cousins - all the toys their are "their cousins toys and can only be played with if their cousins allow them to play" , the snacks are their cousins- my 3 year old had a meltdown because there were only 3 ice lollies left and their cousins got to sit and eat them

AiBU to stop my DC having contact ?

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
We are N/C with my inlaws for 2yrs due to them being toxic, two faced and yes they too favouritised one of DH's brothers kids.(And DH's brother)
Unfortunately if your brother is on their side and in their pockets (like my BIL was) you may find you need to distance yourself from him too as we have, as it can get so messy.
It hasn't been easy, and not what I wanted for my kids, but if they either have grandparents who are a bad influence or no influence I'd rather the latter, although I'm lucky in that my mum is great.
I am aware you say your single though, so cutting off 3 members of your family will likely feel difficult even if it's the right thing....do you have other family and or friends who you can spend time with and lean on for support through a difficult time coming to terms with ending the relationship (if you do take that route)?

I wouldn’t stand for my children being treated like this. Not unreasonable at all to cut contact and tell your shitty parents exactly why (and anyone else who asks).

It honestly reads like they’re punishing you for not being with the children’s father which is ridiculous and unfair in itself. But to then in turn punish your children with this blatant and hurtful favouritism is beyond the pale.

Wow. What horrible people! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this OP. Cut them off, you and your kids not need that crap in your life.

This. It is actually as bad as this. They are basically punishing you and your children for not being married. There is no way on earth I would subject my DC to visits where they have to see cousins getting so much more from grandparents. Just stop it now.

The dignified way yo behave would be to withdraw and say nothing.

I’m afraid my way would be send them a message pointing out their disgusting treatment of my children compared to their cousins.

I am so sorry.

Imo best to not send a letter/note/email. It will just be treated as more evidence that you are unstable/ungrateful/no wonder your husband left etc.

Just melt away. No drama needed.

@LunaMay

You chose low contact though, why are you surprised your dc relationship with them suffers for it?

Seriously? We're going to be VILE to you because we haven't seen you.

You say you stay in touch for the kids sake but really- you'd be doing them a favour not taking them. Parents sound horrible I can't believe they'd treat their grandchildren this way. I wouldn't take the DC there again

That's heartbreaking. You have to go NC now sadly,now that your children are aware of how they are treated differently. They're being SO cruel 😞

Exactly. It IS abusive. 😡😞

This is sad, I wouldn't take my kids personally.

This is exactly what happens. The same dynamic plays out with golden child with each generation becoming more damaged than the last.

Your parents sound despicable. I have had to do this too. 14 years on, I have well rounded, well loved adult children that have self respect. My advice is the following:

1. Tell your children that GPs are mean people and you are sorry they made your dc cry. You won’t be taking them to be hurt anymore. They need to know it’s not okay for others to treat them poorly.

2. If you can afford to, buy them a gift each to make up for the sad day, and the best ice creams in the shop.

This is the easy part.

1. Plan for birthdays and xmases carefully without them. Family occasions are the hardest. Plan the best days with other people

2. Build up a trusted network of friends and neighbours. Source a lovely babysitter that you can call in an emergency. Never ever call them.

3. plan a wonderful life for your kids that us loving and celebratory of who they are. They are not nobodies.

4. Text your parents that you have finally had enough, you have endured this grotesquely unfair and unkind, abusive situation for too long, and enough is enough. Block them on everything. And don’t look back.

Book some counselling.

Better, happier days are ahead. You don’t need to suffer this any longer. One day you will be very proud that you stepped up, protected them from these abusers. That is exactly what they are 💐💐💐

Oh sod off with your victim blaming! They're allowed to be abusive to children because the OP chooses not to see much of them? Bloody hell.

Oh wow, wasn't expecting quite so many replies so thankyou!!

I have spoken with my DC and the two eldest were saying I didn't need to apologise as wasn't my fault

I have blocked them all for now, I don't feel a final message or conversation or anything would be beneficial with them because no matter what it would be turned around and become my fault in some way/shape or form

Am looking at therapy/counselling as definitely need to discuss out loud with someone everything thats happened and why I feel the way I do - all I've ever wanted is to make them proud but nothing I've done has ever been good enough

My ex dps family are very hands on with my DC and this also appears to push my parents noses out of joint so to speak but my DC know they have family who love them unconditionally treat them fairly (won't mention that my DM refered to my ASD child as weird at one stage 🤦‍♀️)

Feel like a weight has been lifted now !

Good Luck OP. You sound like a lovely mother.

My mum had a similar experience - had to sit and watch her cousins take piano lessons, while she was deliberately not given the opportunity, that sort of thing - and it still bothers her decades later. The utter unfairness of it, and for what purpose?!

I'm glad you're able to make sure your DCs don't have to experience this in future, and I hope therapy helps you.

My grandmother treated me like this and favoured my sibling. My mum drastically reduced contact and never left us alone with her. Her pleas to have my sibling for the night/weekend/week were politely rejected. We were never left alone with her. Once we both reached 11/12 it was very clear to us that she had a favourite and that she was an absolute idiot. My sibling, her preferred child, pulled back as she was so angry at the discrepancy in love, care and interest. She lost us both really. V v sporadic contact once we became adults. Well done mum though, neither of us were damaged by it. I just think 'Silly woman, she denied herself so much love'.

Oh my goodness, it hurts my heart to read these experiences, what is wrong with some people 😪

First official day of no contact completed and going to bed feeling much lighter today then I did last night , thankyou to each and everyone of you who has taken the time to reply to me

@Rowrowrowyourboat2024 my mil also refers to my asd child as weird. I don’t see her now. She’s vile.

Good for you@Rowrowrowyourboat2024. You are a brave woman and are doing the right thing for your DC.

this should never happen your child is as important as the others .i have two grandchildren .whom i love but dont see .their parents choice id just be happy to have them in my life to give treats to .but we have still bought xmas gifts as i know we cant argue with my son and his partner but we still love our grandchildren and always will.