How can I feel less shit about my house?

[faceoff2000]

All my friends clearly have more money than we do, they live in much nicer and bigger houses. That's life and we're all great friends and they never make us feel like we're not as good as them. Now my children are at school and are making friends it's another group of people in their 5/6 bedroom houses, 2/3 cars etc. etc. I know this is 100% a me issue and not their fault they've worked hard/been lucky in life.
How can I adjust my thinking and stop feeling so inferior?

A home is not just bricks and mortar, think of you home as a cosy sanctuary, after all you can only sit on one sofa , sleep on one bed .
Others may have bigger houses and may have more debt .

Envy is the thief of happiness so think what you have not what you don't .
If it's to do with friendship people choose based on who they like not what car they drive .

Feel less shit by thinking of those on the streets.

You don't know you're born.

@LauraNorda what a stupid thing to say.

OP I use to feel the same so I always did activities out of the house.,

You feel grateful for what you have and remind yourself that these people may be up to their eyeballs in debt to fund their materialistic lifestyles.

Not much you can do other than fight the urge to compare your circumstances with theirs. It’s a dead end street - there’ll always be someone with more money, bigger house, more cars.

Maybe think about challenging your own values? Deep down, do you really believe those with less material wealth are "inferior" to those who have more? Where does this belief come from? Could there be another way of looking at the world?

I'm sure your house is lovely.

All you can do is make the best of what you have op, we are similar, we live a very simple life in that we don’t drive (although genuinely no need as we are in the city with great transport and so a car would be more hassle trying to find parking and pay the expense) we live in an apartment that although isn’t as big as some of our kids friends homes, is cozy and clean and tidy. Honestly I don’t think anyone has judged and in a lot of ways I like having a smaller home, easier to maintain! As a result, we are not heavily in debt (I know not everyone is, but in our case, a lot of those we know with so much extra are) really, people will always have more and some less, but If you can be happy with what you have you will be ahead of most!

For me I feel better when my home is
Clean
Smells nice (candle, wax melt or similar)
Tidy, bed made, washing up done etc
I have picked up something new like a rug, ornament, bedding
Nothing that's expensive, I do get nice comments about how my home is

I get it though. I live in an apartment and for some reason I feel like not an adult because of it? Like pulling up to someone's house seems grown up and I'm letting someone in the intercom like it's uni halls or something

It was very badly phrased but I think it is true that if we try to compare ourselves to those who are less lucky rather than those who are more lucky, we are likely to realise how we are not so badly off after all.

Any house can lovely, we stay in a lot of holiday homes, normally a 1 bed or a 2 bed, we always pay extra for a ‘luxury’ cottage or apartment and honestly some of these places are just gorgeous, if you have an eye for interior design and the money to do the work any house can be lovely.

I can assure you, these people are up to their eyeballs in debt and have little to no savings. We paid off our kitchen a few months ago and I was telling a colleague about it and how glad we were to have the final renovation debt done. His first question was "what are you going to buy next?" Absolutely horrified we weren't and ot was going in the bank

Having a bigger home and several cars is not an accurate indication of wealth, it really isn't. The wealthiest people I know, and they are very, very wealthy, live very modestly. Don't let the flash fool you. Many of those people are massively in debt.

Never compare up. Compare only with yourself. So instead of thinking how much others have that you don't, think how much you have that you didn't have ten years ago, say, or that if you weren't fortunate you'd not have at all. Focus on your own home and life, actively identify the things you love, appreciate and are grateful for, and force your mind back to this when the green eyed monster threatens. If you can't do that, and it's really effecting your happiness then as a last resort you're going to have to move in different circles. But hopefully it won't come to that.

Where do you live, op, that everyone around you has 5/6 bedroom homes?
It’s hardly standard in most places (I’m assuming you’re not in London, for example?)

Honestly most people don't care as much as you might think.

In my social circle the house I most like visiting is actually the smallest. It's beautifully decorated and really cosy.

But the real thing is that the family are so lovely, hospitable and welcoming (when I'm hosting I always think what would xyz family do ). Always great food and great fun.

Compare and contrast to another family in the group with the massive 5 bed new build that's from a decor POV chav central, where you know you'd better eat before you go for a "meal" and the conversation is dominated by the husband who thinks he knows everything about everything and has a PHD in mansplaining.

A bigger house or fancy car doesn’t make you happy, most likely they’ll be stuck with loads of debt and costs like house maintaining and high bills. Comparison is the thief of joy. Appreciate having a home of your own. Many don’t

This. We live in a small flat, drive a very old car, we generally live well beyond our means, but we are debt/mortgage free and there’s a lot of freedom in that. The “golden handcuffs” are real. Just don’t compare OP, comparison is thief of joy.

I know many families like this. We live in quite an affluent area but choose to live well within our means and plough lots into pensions. Pensions came into a conversation recently and most in the group just laughed and did the 'we'll worry about that later' or 'I'll be dead by then' etc. One said 'my house is my pension' so I asked where they'd live once they'd sold their house to fund their retirement. And she looked confused and said 'oh never thought about that, DH says the house is a better pension scheme'. These are people in their mid 40s...the mind boggles...

I always worry about my house, but that's because it's messy and full of clutter, which is in part because it is small, but mainly because we are messy people both working full time with no family support, and not good at keeping up with tidying.

I usually meet people out of the house, which I know is wimpy. Especially as I am going to say to you that your real friends won't care at all. Actually, I love going to people's houses that are a bit messy, as I feel like we could be friends! I feel more relaxed than in fancy or spotless places, and (stupid, I know) I usually feel like they are nicer people too.

Anyway, your house is smaller, but nothing to suggest it is a tip like mine! I bet it is lovely. Most of my friends earn a lot more than me, but I can honestly say that part has never been an issue for me. They also tend to be in more debt, so it kind of balances out. In my really skint days, we used to meet for coffee instead of lunch/dinner. My friend with the most impressive house and two nice cars is mortgaged to the hilt, and I don't envy that at all.

5/6 bedrooms need hoovering and windows cleaning, changing beds, dusting. Why would you want to waste your life on that if you don't actually need the space?

I'd focus on making your house small but perfectly formed. A good summer garden with a lovely place to sit, maybe a sunlounger or two. And relax.

I don't think I get all the debt comments that come up on these threads.
Of course, some people will be 'up to their eyeballs in debt' but, equally, many won't be.
Same applies to people with smaller houses.

I live in a 5 bedroom/5 bathroom/2 reception room house. DH and I were lucky to buy our starter home when we did then, some years later, we sold in the SE to buy in Yorkshire.
We have savings and very little debt (other than what's left on the mortgage).
We have a car each, but DH has a 2010 plate Vauxhall Insignia, and I have a 2015 plate Ford Fiesta - so, not exactly flash.

Op, my sister's house is by far the nicest house I have ever been in. It's a small 2 bed cottage, one bathroom, one reception room - but, she's got it absolutely beautiful.
She's very artistic, enjoys dressing her home, and has amazing taste in interiors. Nothing is really expensive, she just seems to have an eye for what 'works'.
I definitely don't have that flair.

I used to feel this way op. Then I read a quote somewhere along the lines of ' there will always be someone wishing they had the life you have'. It made me realize that I need to be happy with what I do have and stop comparing it to what others have.

I knew this thread would bring out the "all the millionaires I know live in sheds" brigade!!

I have very wealthy friends who worked stonkingly hard in very well-paid professsions from the day they left uni, and they have beautiful substantial houses, nice cars, etc. I have a normal house, but I don't feel inferior to my friends because firstly they are my friends, and secondly, I am funnier and a better cook than all of them. In many ways, they are inferior to me.

The above paragraph is largely tongue in cheek...

Could you make your house the best one in other ways?

One of our really good friends has a much smaller house than ours but I love it when we all go there - it's so homely, she's very creative and there's always a beautiful centrepiece on the table and she's baked something delicious. Another friend ditto - one of my safe spaces, always no judgement, a cup of tea and a biscuit, and a big comfy sofa to lounge on and cats to stroke.

The first one is also a really nice social space - just one room downstairs kitchen / diner / living. Some houses can be better thought out / decorated / designed.

Our next door neighbours have an old juke box which makes hanging out at theirs super fun. A friend of a friend has built a really cool bar in their garden which makes parties so much fun.

Also, our house seems to be the one all the kids love coming to (aged 12-15 now but when they were smaller too) prob because we'd go a bit mad with things like Halloween, Christmas, fun activities and yummy things to eat...there would be a lot of fun and mess and I make a big fuss of them.

The biggest most expensive houses are not always where the fun happens or the ones filled with the most love.

You've got this OP 💪🏻 I'll bet you have a lovely home and people love spending time with you in it x

Without a Frank conversation about money, you have no idea whats going on under the surface.
My best friend has a detached 5 bed house in a lovely area, which is mortgage free. The cost of this- her father worked hard for his money and saved hard for his retirement only to die aged 50, never spending a penny of it and leaving it all for his children.
Equally another close friend looks like she lives the life of luxury's, 2 new cars on the driveway, big family home fitted with all mod. Cons etc. When we last met for coffee, she was super worried as her and her husband are drowning with their massive mortgage and around £40k of none secure debt.
The moral of the story is, appearances can be deceptive. You really never know whats going on under the surface.